I Am Not Angry Anymore.

I have been trying all day to write an essay for Mount Allison. Technically it's for the Bell Scholarship. I have no motivation at all. My IPod and the opportunity to drive has distracted me. The essay is going to be about how Charlie of The Perks fame provided me with my most meningful learning experiece. I know I can do it. I just need to be okay with everything else first. I hate my hesitation.

I drove to my grandmother's house today. It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. When I arrived my grandmother said "Your hair is red!" I'm not sure why this is shocking, but I replied "You like it?" in a somewhat sarcastic tone, and she said "No!" Oh man. I love the Grandmother. I also got a fabulous escape route from the "You Can't Move Away From Home!" lecture, in the form of a fabulous girl calling me. I love the cell phone.

Nothing else of note has really happened today. I've been telling everyone the story of Wednesday, but I think I'd like to write it in letters more. If you'd like to read it, let me know. If you'd like to read my essay when it's done also let me know.

Otherwise, Leisha Hailey played a girl with flesh eating disease on Grey's Anatomy this evening. I may be the only person who finds this hilarious. So, even if I dont' get L Word Night tonight, at least I got Leisha Hailey.

I want Disco Sheets by Wolf Parade to be my ringtone.

Music: Ani - Angry Anymore

Screen.

Remember sexy sick Pheobe voice? I have that right now. It's pretty sweet.

So, every so often this lady comes into the store, and she used to work there, and she is fabulous as a customer. She came in Saturday so happy that she recieved a grant to do her art work. Go check it out. Laura Hughes.

"You play your part painting in a new start."

I've had a pretty crazy past couple of days. Wednesday, was my imaginary birthday party. I never really had a birthday party, last year, or any year before my 15th birthday. Driving around at night in a car with loud music and having people shouting along is one of my favorite things.

I'm going to write actual letters to any of you that want one. If I don't get some essay writing done I'm going to kick my own butt, but you could too, it would probably motivate me more.

I'm working with Tyler today, and I'm terribly excited. I think I might blow off theatre for a second night. I justdon't feel up to competing for tickets and I don't have the attention span.

Love.

Music: Feist - Gatekeeper

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have officially been accepted to the University of my Choice. [Dalhousie] I'm having a really excellent time lately. Really Excellent!

Dear Invisible Friend:

Today was a weird day. It started normally enough, Rene called finally to see if I wanted to go ice skating, sadly, when we arrived at the pond there was water instead of ice because it was plus ten, Celsius! Then we returned to my house where he proceeded to molest and quiz me in a tag team of uncomfortable Reneness. I walked to the mall before work, and ran into Brenna half way, which was bizarre cause I was kind of lost, and on the wrong street when all of a sudden someone's shouting at me. She told me that HMV didn't have cat power, so we walked to work, 45 minutes early, and I passed the hour curled up on the floor of the office reading A Separate Peace. Work, was work. Which means I did nothing. I went to starbucks and tried to teach Nico how to write an essay. I'm not sure yet if she's a lost cause, or if she's really sincere, in any case, I'm trying. Then, I arrived home, played with boo for a while, sprawled on the floor and listened to Cold Wind by the Arcade Fire on our new turntable. At which point I was chaperoned while watching Sin City [amazing and woah movie] by a girl that I quite like, but I think I'll refrain from mentioning much.

Now, I'm checking on my invisible friends, and going to sleep.

I don't feel like the world has shifted. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I will be in Russia, or some horrible reactionary regime. Or maybe everything will still be okay.

I didn't get that last post right. Did you get it though? It's like some people can have really strong convictions, and then there's me, who only agrees, I stay "safe" I am not controversial, I just bumble around trying not to step on anyone's toes and wanting everyone to love me all the time. I hate it. When I'm in a group I might as well be mute, I have opinions, but they generally differ, and involve quite a bit of thought, and it's just not something I would blurt out. It's great that I can say, yes, I voted NDP, or, I like cabbage, or I don't drink, those are things that I can refute later. Sometimes, I can say I loved a movie or CD or person, but only if I know I will be agreed with. Why can I not just say, I love you, or I am gay and I believe it's the best thing to be, for me. Or I need something from you. It just doesn't happen.

Music: You're Beautiful - James Blunt

High.

I have a tremendous respect for someone who can look disaproval in the face, and while staying true to themselves change that disapproval into approval. My mother and I are going through this strange dynamic right now. The instant something remotely interesting happens I feel the need to hide it from my mother. If I meet someone new, I don't say anything. If I'm asked, I'll give as little information as possible. Why? Because my mother is having trouble dealing with my lifestyle. I don't know. Secretly my mother likes the fact that I stay home most of the time and hang out by myself. Plus, she doesn't know what to do. Part of her is thrilled that I have a social life, and part of her is terrified about everything. I just don't know how to tell her that I'll be okay.

I'm going to go fly my kite now. It's fabulous outside!

Situation.

I've been doing a lot of official school stuff these past few days. I've been thinking a lot. Too much. It's okay though, I'm figuring things out. This past week has been an excellent one. I asked myself what I wanted, and I'm not really sure, but I'm okay just finding it as it comes. I'm not in a panic about anything, I'm ready, ready to just let things happen.

I am trying not to over think every situation I'm in.

The art Centre's order has finally been filled, a month late, but only three days late officially. Which is excellent. I can stop having dreams about orders not coming and everything being red. Plus, things are good, so when I was walking home I was listening to Apostle of Hustle, who are fabulous, and I was just bouncing along and grinning, and you know, I'm happy.

That is all.

[Edit] So, Monday night I was pooped and I was lying on the couch, kind of half sleeping half watching the television andthen I answered the phone and it was my aunt and she told me all sorts of crazy stuff, but the best part was when she told me how she stole a cabbage from two people in the North Market... I kid you not.

Also, just so I can still have some trauma in my life... I miss Jessica Jackson terribly. I got a card from her a couple of weeks ago, but I really haven't been involved in her life for a year now, and sometimes I think about her, and sometimes I listen to her songs, but mostly I just think I should let everything go.

[End Edit]

i.i.i.i.i.i...

I have started talking to myself... a lot. Again. I'm trying to curb it. Also, I'm scared of the mail man. It's just like when I was getting my exam result back.

I have nothing good to say, but I hope that something amazing happens tomorrow.

The name of the game...

Get the cat all nipped up and tease her with a string. This is the funniest thing. I get such a kick out of my cat. She can turn the light switch off and on in the kitchen, and she jumps up at the magnets on the fridge. In other news, we've officially adopted her, and in doing so we've discovered that she's a taurus... Oh boy, you should have seen me laughing at that. (No one talks seriously when my cat is around, it's alllll baby talk.)

Yesterday was terrific. I went to my guidance meeting, which involved the counsellor saying that I was applying to schools that were perfect for me. Then I went looking for the Brokeback Mountain house... but I only might have found it. Then I went to visit Annette in Kensington Art Supply, our rivals and sort of friend. We had a great chat bashing Col-Art a distribution company. Then I went and bought a duplicate of my favorite shirt. Then, I met a girl for coffee upon Rene's insitance that I need a social life, [I'm trying to not be insulted by this] and it was really great! I wasn't neurotic at all. I didn't really want to go to work though. Then work totally sucked.

The end. Hopefully today will be exciting too.

Boo!

Boo! II

Boo! III All Photos courtesy of the Brother!

Redefine.

I spent a good hour tonight reading and looking at Normal Life while I was waiting to read Questionable Content.

So, big things happening in my life lately. Well, relatively speaking. On Fiday I worked my first ever shift at the south store. [This store is managed by the same manager as my store, and a lot of the staff bounce back and forth with the exception of Jenn who only works at the north store and Evelyn who only works at the south store. However, since I live so close to the north store I end up working there more.] So, for the first time I met Evelyn. I've worked at the store for seven months and I've talked to her at least once a day, every day I've worked there, but I'd never met her. Boy it was weird. She's quite awesome, and equally into the not needing to talk every second thing. Tyler said that we'd probably be like two peas in a pod, and with the exception of the fact that I'll probably only be working with her twice a month, we probably would be.

I am also terrifically fond of the south store. It's everythig I've always wanted the north store to be, clean, bright, open, everything in a place that it should be.

Tomorrow I have to get up so that I can talk to my high school guidance counsellor and probably hear things that I do not want to hear. I hope this will be the last time I need to talk to a high school guidance counsellor.

I met a new person today. Via Rene. Over MSN. [yes, i'm not terribly happy about the internet bit etiher.] I'm excited about the idea of a new person being around. Things get kinda lame when hanging out consists of me and my Ipod.

Tomorrow I have a couple of hours of nothing between the guidance and the working, so I think I might try to get into a Separate Peace in a nice quiet coffee shop in Kensington. if you want to find me, I'll probably be in Higher Ground.

As a side note, I need to dye my hair again soon, plus I need to cut it. Has anyone used Henna before? Or a similar product that won't distroy anything in the dying process?

Random Mix: Week Four

Cat Power - The Greatest
Wolf Parade - This Heart's On Fire
Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes
Apostle of Hustle - Gleaning
The Firey Furnaces - Tropical Iceland
Broken Social Scene - Shampoo Suicide

That's it folks. Life is entertaining and I like the direction in which it's heading. I'm entertaining the idea of starting a comic, but at this point in my life my drawing skills are not up to par... exactly.

Longer update when I can see the floor of my bedroom.

There are so many things I want to know...

...but I can't find the words to ask her, "who are you?"

Climb on two-by-two to ensure these days continue.

This weekend was massively productive. It's amazing what happens when I don't change out of my pj's until three, and I don't bother leaving the house. So, the crack down starts tomorrow. I'm done managing everyone else's interests, I'm going to start taking care of myself. I may be perceived as a bitch, but it wouldn't be the first time.

Goals for the upcoming week:
1. Keep bedroom tidy.[This seems to be a never ending task.Bah]
2. "Don't take nothing from no one!"
3. Produce something.

I think my card making frenzy will continue. I plan to buy some more pencil crayons.
[Aside for a second. It's amazing how much of an art snob I've become. Let me tell you a few things, in case you end up in an art store and you have no idea what you want. When it comes to drawing media go with Faber-Castell. They only make drawing materials, i.e. pencils, crayons, pens, water-soluble pencils, graphite, charcoal, etc. They are a fabulous German company. If you want Acrylic paint, get Golden, it's more expensive, but it's worth the money. If you need watercolors go with Windsor & Newton, they are the oldest of the old. I don't know anything about oil painting, it scares me. One day, I will read a book about it. Paper, paper is a crazy thing.
The most important thing is, Acid Free or Acc. If you want anything to last longer than a year, go with acid free. It helps if the other materials used are artist quality as well. I'm done now!]

So anyway, art snob. I've got all this paint that I swear I'm going to use before I buy some Golden. But seriously, it's amazing how much easier it is to paint with high quality materials. Same with pencil crayons, I have some Prismacolor student grade and some artist Faber-Castell and I can't stand to use the Prismacolor.

So anyway, it's too bad I love parts of my job so much, cause I'd just walk away from all the crap otherwise.

Peace.

Music: Feist - Lesiure Suite
"The words have been stolen, but silence is golden."

Look out! Whale!

Jellyfish!

Octapus! [I must admit that these are slightly Tyler inspired]

Sea Horse. [I maintain that the live ones freak me out!]

This is the funky bird house that I painted. I'm not sure where it came from, but there are two of them and they've been shuffeled around the house and garage for years, so I painted one.

Need.

I have this overwelming need to create things. Just, mass production. Craftyness. I painted a bird house yesterday, and made one of two arm socks. I want to learn things.

I can't help but feel sometimes, that my high school let me down.

Books Read 2005

1. Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit - Jeanette Winterson ****
2. Affinity - Sarah Waters **
3. The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things - J.T. Leroy ****
4. Rubyfruit Jungle - Rita Mae Brown ****
5. Bastard Out of Carolina - Dorothy Allison ***
6. Fingersmith - Sarah Waters ****
7. A Complicated Kindness - Miriam Toews ***
8. Best American Non-Required Reading 2004 - Edited by Dave Eggers *****
9. Final Girl - Daphne Gottlieb ***
10. The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds - Paul Zindle *****
11. One Hundred Women - Kristina Halvorson ****
12. In the Next Galaxy - Ruth Stone **
13. Rent Girl - Michelle Tea ***
14. The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck *****
15. The Death of A Salesman - Arthur Miller ***
16. The Polysyllabic Spree - Nick Hornby ***
17. How We Are Hungry - Dave Eggers ****
18. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran-Foer ****
19. Angels In America - Tony Kushner *****
20. Girl Walking Backwards - Bett Williams ***
21. The Rendezvous - ? *
22. Hypocrite In A Pouffy White Dress - Susan Gilman **
23. Dress Your Family In Corduroy & Denim - David Sedaris ***
24. The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd ****
25. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling **
26. The Passionate Mistakes & Intricate Corruption of One Girl In America - Michelle Tea ****
27. A Boy of Good Breeding - Miriam Toews *
28. A Long Way Down - Nick Hornby ***
29. Rubyfruit Jungle - Rita Mae Brown ****
30. Carnet De Voyage - Craig Thompson ***
31. Cannery Row - John Steinbeck ****
32. The Chelsea Whistle - Michelle Tea ****
33. Hairstyles of the Damned - Joe Meno ****
34. The Best American Non-Required Reading 2002 - Edited by Dave Eggers ****
35. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom ****
36. Epileptic - David B. *
37. The Little Prince - Antoine de St.-Exupery *****
38. When I Am Old - Gabrielle Bell ***
39. A Million Little Pieces - James Frey *****
40. Mosh Pit - Kristyn Dunnion **
41. She’s Come Undone - Wally Lamb *****
42. Venus Envy - Rita Mae Brown **
43. The Perks of Being A Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky *****

*[not very good] *****[Terrific!]

In which she comes to a conclusion.

"It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy too."

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky

I have decided, that for the next little while that I am just going to be happy for other people.

Screwed.

I keep getting screwed over at my place of employment. I don't mean, like bearable, I can deal with this but I like complaining, I mean, really horribly screwed. So, here's the deal;

Issue one: Melissa [who is entirely innocent in this matter] is returning from her trip to Montreal this upcoming week. While she has been way for the past month I have been covering her regular shifts and my regular shifts. Sort of. Basically I went from work six hour days to eight hour days. While I admit, I don't need to work eight hour days, I cannot justify working a four hour day. So, Melissa is coming back on Thursday, and this upcoming week I'm working 40 hours, some at the regular store, and some at ML, [which the boss agreed would not happen, because I live so close to the other store]but whatever, I can deal with this. Then, the following week, I'm working 26 hours. WTF. I can't work 26 hour weeks and keep only one job. It's not logical. I can not work only four hours in one day. It does not justify the two hours of travel time to ML.

Issue Two: If you have talked to me lately you're well aware of the Rachel issue. For the rest of you, Rachel is the girl I work with. One of them. She is an ACAD student, taking Visual Communication. She does not work. She isn't the least bit inspired to help, assist, move out of the way, or offer any form of courtesy or respect to anyone in the store. She is lazy, does not need money [because her parents pay for everything, despite that she is 21.]She lives a life of privledged and luxury, showing up at work when it pleases her, doing whatever she likes, and generally making a nuisance of herself.

Now, she's a Taurus, I'm a Taurus. This is bad for several reasons, first, she does not treat me with an ounce of respect, simply pity, apathy, condescension, and the occasional mock-kind remark to kick me in the teeth. She is the passive aggressive type. I don't think she knows this. She has also taken to hover near me, so near that she is invading in my personal space! I covet my personal space. She has taken to hip checking me into the wall... Or floor, or boxes, shelves or customers. Again, I say WTF [how old are we here?] So, I meet all adversity on her part with adversity on mine. I am strong willed, I will not give in. I won't call her on the personal space stuff, but I will argue tooth and nail when I know I am right, [which is often, cause she is senseless.]

Furthermore, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian, or at the very least Bi. She knows I am gay, or at least that way inclined, and she uses it to both attempt to seduce me, and attempt to mortify and attack me. The mortification is not working, however the attacking is slowly driving me insane. It's small derogatory jabs at me. "I do something because I'm a lesbain." That sort of thing.

And to finish this story of terror, the boss thinks it's hilarious that we literally start throwing things at each other and sulking in different corner of the store by the end of the evening, so she makes sure to put us alone together all the time. I just don't understand this logic at all!

Issue Three:

I have never been properly paid. I have been working there a total of seven months and never have I been paid the right amount, on time, in the right form. I don't even care what form it comes in, so long as Revenue Canada considers it legal!

Resolution:

I am going to finish applying for schools. I need to have this over with. I am going to revise my resume, have a good long discussion with the boss, and hopefully come to some sort of resolution. I would like to continue working there, despite all of the above, I do enjoy it. That being said, this is the most turbulent and challenging jobs I've ever had, [and I've worked with two year olds!]and I believe that I could be just as happy, working in a less controversial atmosphere.

Any advice? Right now I'm mostly just avoiding, ignoring and feeling overall cheated.

Television!

I would like to state for the record that I did not watch televison until the age of eight. I don't remember if I had a tv or not, I must have, at some point, because I remember watching Sesemie Street with Jonah, and I remember Mr. Dress-up, but for the most part, I read books. I've always been quite lost when people at parties get together and reminisce about childhood programming. I remember clips from being at other houses, but could someone please explain the poke a dot door business. What is a pokearoo? Nevermind, I don't think I want to know.

On another tv related note. If the only channel I had for the remainder of my life was the CBC, and it continued to produce the quality that it currently is, I'd be totally fine with it. The week thus far has been stellar! Last night was the ever so wonderful Rabbittown pilot [go watch it!] and this evening has been This Is Wonderland which is the only show on TV that I truly get excited about, and afterwards was This Space For Rent pilot[watch it!]This is comedy I understand. This is the insanity that makes my life seem normal! This is what I want to spend my time watching. This is what I can see and immediatly understand. It's perfectly Canadian and I am so in love with the CBC.

[Not to mention the fabulousness of Mr. George Strombolopolis and his show The Hour.]

Party. Hardly.

After dropping off the last of the cars many occupants at four in the morning, my dad asked me how the party was, I replied, "I think I'm going to go live in the middle of nowhere by myself until I am at least 27." I don't understand why people have to drink themselves silly, then behave badly in public.

So, in the spirit of the New Year, my resolution is to have stronger convictions. I know what I believe in, I strongly believe in a lot of things, and I am going to work to externalize all of this. To accompany that, my past is forgotten, I don't take crap from anyone, and I'm not going to consume alcohol, or excessive alcohol. I don't understand the point, and I do not want to contribute to this insanity.

So, other than my semi-weekly drunken Rene molestation, my life has been pretty exciting. Rachel and I are really going at it at work. We worked together for seven hours a day, five days last week and we hate each other. Yesterday we just kept to ourselves and avoided confrontation.

I ordered an Ipod off the internet and it should be arriving soonish. I'm very excited about this.

My family has been renting Corner Gas season 2 on DVD this past week, and I must say, if it weren't for Canadian TV I'd probably stop watching altogether.

This morning I was sleeping and I heard something strange and it was my cellphone ringing and vibrating in my bag, of course, being that I had only gotten a couple of hours sleep jumping out of bed and talking on a cell phone was not going to happen. So it started whisteling to me to alert me to the fact that I have a message, [I have no idea how to program this thing.] so a few minutes later I crawled out of bed to listen to this message, "Hi Karyn bglersizngeib [<-- that's stattic] I am really sick blifneobnngvreujnbg; I'm sorry, I'll [bfvoenbo] call you later." Then in my sleepy stupor I hit delete instead of save, and promptly lost the message. Worst part is, I think I might have forgotten something, and the message said ID Withheld, so I don't have a clue who it was. So, if it was you, and it's of great importance, send me an e-mail or give me another call.

Anyway, I am reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower in the hopes that it will reconcile my belief in teenagers. I'm going to go to the video store and listen to One Winter.

Happy New Year!