"okay. I'll talk to you later, if not, good luck with grade 12, it probably sounds silly to you, but once it's over you realize that it was the last time anyone really tells you what to learn, and then you'll miss it a little bit."

This is how I've been feeling lately, kind of like I want someone to tell me what to do, but then, when ever I'm reminded that schools starting up again I get filled with fuzzy happy glee with the idea that I don't have to go back.

It's a good thing I've been rather successfully carrying out an "anything goes" policy in relation to my life lately. Seriously, whatever happens, I'm okay with it. My brother hates me, whatever. My 1G CF card craps out halfway through my holiday, that's life. My aunt books us into a woman's something or other retreat during my upcoming visit to Toronto, cool.

It's a really good thing I'm not so into control anymore. My family decides to end our Oregon adventure early and retreat to our multiple star condo in the mountains for an extra four days, whatever. I get a week to get ready for my Great Fall Expedition which will see me traveling across three provinces, camping on numerous relatives couches and hitchhiking across New Brunswick with various relations, yeah, I can deal with that.

I haven't seen my girlfriend, who is probably not my girlfriend, who is a good two years younger than me, and who I'll probably never kiss, and who I barely go anywhere near at all because A)All I think about when I do touch her is "Will I get killed for this in some grimy alley," and B)I haven't see her in a good week, that's not the end of the world.

I haven't seen my best friend in 48 days and counting, but I still love her more than I'll ever love anyone else, and that's okay, cause I'll see her soon.

It's funny cause this sort of thing used to have me writhing with stomach ulcers, or sleeping constantly, not eating, etc. I see my family so wound up they're about to fly off unto outer space like those StarDancer toys I played with as a kid, and I just sit there quietly thinking, It's all going to be okay.

Reading Michelle Tea before bed leads to strange dreaming of skinheads and decapatated men, blood and me saying "I'm sorry I don't understand."

Camping was fantastic. Portland was amazing. Powells was so unbelievable, I think I went into shock upon entering the building. I've spent so much time in the car lately I never thought I'd do that. Training I suppose.

I am in Fernie now. I read one book this morning and I intend to start another this afternoon. Perry Mason is on and the family is gathered around the tv because it's raining out side.

Yesterday I tried to make microwave popcorn and I forgot about it and it burned and filled the microwave with smoke and then filled the condo with smoke and now the inside of the microwave is yellow and smelling of smoke. Anyone who knows how to fix this will be my hero.

Life is very exciting lately. I think I might have some things figured out.
Meanwhile I haven't been seeing a girl that I've sort of been seeing and I miss her, but I don't know what to do about anything. There's probably something wrong with me.

I've been having an exceedingly surreal time of life lately. I am off to go camping with my family in the woods, beside the pacific ocean in the United States of America. How's that for surreal.

This is me sending you large ammounts of love until the next time I talk. I love you all.

Music: Cat Power - Naked If I Want Too.

"It's okay, we're not a real band anyways..."

I had a positively lovely evening. Actually, I had a pretty good afternoon too. The sun finally came out, and I had plans to meet friends. I met up with Emily in Kensington and we went to see our awesome friends make fools of themselves with microphones, playschool xylophones, spoons and other ridiculous items, in a room full of punk kids. It rocked man. They impress me.

"Okay, we're going to play another song now, which is weird, cause we don't have any more..."

Then Emily and I trucked ourselves over to McD's, for ice cream and iced tea. At which point I got the strongest urge to see my grandmother, so off we went, on foot once again. I love my grandmother, she doesn't want us to go on holiday, I am going to make an effort with her, I have to. She's knitting comfort dolls for children in Africa. And of course, she had to show off her monkeys. She's so awesome.

Then, oh man, we took the bus home, IN THE DARK! I live a sheltered, sheltered life. T'was the first time I've been on a bus when it was dark.

I don't know how I feel about the dating thing, it's been keeping me up at night. Not really the dating thing, rather, my social problems. I think I've almost figured it out. Not that it makes much of a difference, I am the way I am, and someone is going to love me for it one day.

Up at 8 tomorrow to visit a dear friend who is leaving for Boston.

I am much less self loathing today. Things will be accomplished. My brother is starting his own photography business, and I am finishing Harry Potter. You can see which one of us will actually succeed at life.

It took me three hours, from waking up this morning, to getting out of bed this afternoon. I'm so fucking lethargic it's not even amusing anymore. I'm frustrated. This has not been a snappy week.
Last week:
"Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, if you can figure out a way to stop bashing yourself with all the useless details and instead decide to offer yourself some nurturance, you'll find it starts off a chain reaction that ultimately brings you the kind of sweetness and support you desperately need."

This week:
"Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you have to go at your own pace, and you have to do things in the proper order. Otherwise, we see you dashing out into the street with your panties tugged over your jeans. Now, some of you can get away with this, but most of you will just look mentally ill. Establish your speed and make it sustainable."

Now normally, I don't even give this crap a first look, let alone a second look but, A) It was written by Michelle Tea and B) It seems strangely accurate.

Of course, I don't know what any of it means.

I showered today, made a cake and read 150 pages of HP. It's getting better. I don't think I've had anything to eat yet. Oh I feel like shit. I am depressed, and I don't want to be, it's the last thing I should be right now. It's raining, I have all the lights turned on and I'm listening to one of my favorite Ani CD's but I can't seem to develop any energy at all.

Off to check the weather report. It's only plus 8 right now. Sheesh. I don't know what to do with myself.

Everything I say I won't do, I do. My morals are shifty.

My mother always says, if you need something, ask the Universe. It's like the answer to the million dollar question, like the get out of jail free card. Everybody wants it, and it won't ever be sold. You keep it, for those times when you're full of desperation, and you know that you want this something more than life support, this something is life support.

I've never needed anything that intensely.

Bathysphere ~ Cat Power

When I was seven I told my mother to take me to the bay and put me on a ship.



Silver swordfish electric I can feel or dream down here.



Set me free I don't care I want to live in a bathysphere.

Tomorrow, I'm not going to think about her.

I miss brenna. A lot.
I don't want to get on the airplane.
I wish I could communicate. But there's a wall, and I just don't know how to break it down.
I miss Jonah. I don't understand why.

Music: CKUA Night Music

It just occured to me, as I was glancing at my exam results slip that, oh look, 050/050 on the WR. Gee, does that mean I got 100% on the written? Yes, yes it does. This makes me want to hunt down every terrible teacher I ever had and say "look at what I did in spite of you."

it also makes me want to take pure math, and physics. I'm just figuring out exactly how powerful my brain is. I want to learn everything.

I get until December before I have to focus on my future. I am realizing though, that I can do whatever I want with my life. If I don't have a course now that I need to do what i want, I can take it, it's no big deal. This is my whole life I'm facing, and I'm not going to limit myself. Never.

The Folk Fest was absolutely magical. I've already begun my volunteer hours for next year. Yes, I know I said that I wouldn't, but I had the best idea! I'm telling myself it will be different this time.

conversation with a friend.*

"heh, you got to be in your own way, you have your experiences to solve many situations."
"and many situations I will find myself in."
"only to learn from. Its amazing...being human.
you know how beautiful the structure of a single life is. i might be straying fromt he conversation, but I'm just saying."
"I think about that a lot.
and I was thinking earlier, that I really shouldn't be doing this dating thing right now, but you know, if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't, and if it does well fabulous, but I haven't been "devastated" lately, and really, I could use some excitement. What's the use of avoiding things, that is not very exciting."

* This is an excerpt from a conversation I was having this evening with a boy I met in Jr. High. Late at night we talk about religion and philosophy. This very moment we're arguing about the chaos theory... he's Muslim.