"Come you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And
fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty. Make thick my
blood.
Stop up th'access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious
visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
Th'effect and it. Come to my woman's breasts
And take my milk for gall,
you murd'ring ministers..."
Lady Mcbeth

I am having one of those days where I need to be really big.

Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mamma Out

The following I wrote in my PD journal:

Lately, I've been extremely reflective, which I suppose does not explain the silence of late. After the semester changed I needed to slow down, I had previously been so busy that I kind of got out of touch with everything. I dove right back into my part time job at the art store, weither or not I like it is still up for debate. I don't see it lasting very long, but temporarily I think I like it. I'm realizing that I know nothing when it comes to supplies, which is kind of depressing. I'm also not as interested, or entralled with the art world as I once was, and I kind of wonder when that changed.

While the drama surrounding my job continues I've learned that I love teaching and I love doing my own thing. Going off and doing something and coming away from it being proud or impressed.

I recieved my diploma exam results on family day. My marks were about as good at the could have ever been. I worked so hard for so long for those marks, and to have them reflect my word was incredibly satisfying. So I've come to the conclusion that while I'm taking my year off I need to upgrade my courses in order to go to University. I am at the point right now, where I believe that if I do anything less than I am capapble of, because I am lazy, or I simply can't be bothered would end up completely devastating to me. I know what I am capable of, I know that I can be whatever I decide, I can take care of myself. Knowing this is the most powerful and liberating notion I have thus far experienced.

This entry is becoming far more introspective than I intended.

To summ up, I am going to do everything with my entire being and energy and emotion behind me and I am going to strive to improve and the surprise myself and be totally connected with every action, choice and feeling I express.

Do I want to go see the Vagina Monologues with my mother on Wednesday?

I'm having one of those days, or rather weeks, where all I do is grunt. Seriously. BAH. I feel so frustrated, and uncomfortable, and I don't know what I'm doing that makes me uncomfortable, everything seems like an inconvenience.
I am begining to suspect it's my lack of routine. Last semester I was busy, crazy busy, doing things that I was moderately good at. This semester, I haven't had any homework in two or so weeks. I don't open my backpack when I come home from school. I am awfully bad at my job, and my boss and I have a "conflict of personalities" as some might call it. Plus, I don't eat anymore. I'm going to be the only person in a first world country to get scruvy in the twenty-first century.
Gahhhj,shtienmenytireanihnieranbah. sigh. I am going to buy music tomorrow.

i have not done any exercising as of late, and along with that, I have not listened to any music either. so, tomorrow I'm taking the bus to school. i'm getting up and making my own lunch, getting my self to school, and if my mother so much as butters my toast in the morning, so help me god.

deep, I'm not being smothered, really, breath.

Oh boy.
Today has been big. With a capital B even. I got my diploma exam results in the mail. I certainly hope that they didn't plan to send them out so we all got them on FAMILY DAY. So moving along, here's the break down. (Bragging a bit, because I'm awesome, but after this no more I promise.)
Social:
Entrance Mark: 82% Exam Mark: 81% Final: 82%
Science:
Enterance: 76% Exam: 96% Final: 86%
Math:
Enterence: 72% Exam: 85% Final: 79%

I think I did awesomely, being that I only wanted over 80% in atleast two subjects so that I can apply for scholarships.

This has really boosted my whole desire to learn. I WANT to go to UNIVERSITY. I think I would be happy at university. I just need a year off to sort out all the other crap that makes me unhappy. There's a lot of other crap, for example, my dad replaced all of the light bulbs in my room with cheaper flourescent bulbs, without telling me, and I HATE flourescent light. It makes me eyes itch. All day at school, and then now in my room. I threw a tantrum.
And this will really make me seem cool. Yesterday my mother suggested washing my baby blanket, that i still sleep with every night, and putting in in the cupboard, and I started crying.

Oh man, I have to go to bed nwo.

Bang Gang - Follow

Okay, must compose self. I just finished watching the BBC tv series version of the book Tipping the Velvet that I read during christmas break. The movie was quite excellent. I did like the book better, simply because it lasted longer. However, if you like the fantastical, watch it.

I've eaten three pixie stixs in the last hour, and I am not at all ready for sleep. Unfortunately, while it may be friday night, I have to be at work bright and early tomorrow. Nine thirty to be exact. I feel like I'm being a wimp, but I am a wimp, so deal with it and prepare for plenty of moaning and complaining for a while.

I want to cut my hair. It's like obsessive complusive. I always just want to take the scissors to my head. I'm getting over that now, and heading in the direction of my bed.

Tegan & Sara - I know, I know, I know.

My mommy got back from sunny Flordia yesterday. The sun never even touched her skin. She visited wal-mart three times, and target once, "Target was entirely red" she commented. She came home with pixie sticks and a retro sweater vest type of deal for me. My grandmother sent along the worlds largest Disney bag and a giant blue watch.

Work tonighht was alright. It's kind of strange. Trial period ends Saturday evening at 5:30.

O.C. tonight! I can't wait to discover more new music!

Music:The Arcade Fire-Rebellion(Lies)

Today I was late for english, and we were having a vocab quiz, where we have to write a sentance to show that we know what the word means. So the last word was catalyst. And now begins the story:
...and this morning while I was takling to myself while getting ready for school I was making up sentances for the word catalyst
and I said something like, "Seth and Alex's relationship on the O.C. was a catalyst for Marissa and Alex's relationship, because without Seth they wouldn't have ever met."
and I laughed at myself, because I do strange things like that, and I said "I definately can't use that one today because it's soooooo bad"
and then I was late for school and i was all flustered and that was all I could think of during the quiz so I wrote it down.
sometimes I can't actually believe how idiodic I am.
I hope my teacher (who knows me pretty well) laughs and thinks it's awesome too, cause otherwise she was scold me for being silly on a quiz.
(Ms. Smyth, if you read this, well, i promise to be totally focused on the next one.)

So that was the fun for the day. Otherwise it was uneventful. Everyone had an opinion as to the murder, the mudered and the merderer. It was not fun, it was tragic and terribly sad.

Music: The Album Leaf - The Outter Banks

I have: Cleaned the living room. Done 5 loads of laundry. Washed the dishes twice. Cooked a successful chicken dish. Cleaned out the fridge. Cleaned out the cupboard. Made the most horrifiying yet delicious cake with Brenna. Slept. Watched four movies.

I have not: Done my english vocab studying. Done my art sketches. Finished my book. Cleaned my room.

I am going to start listing what I'm listening too, because music is truly what I live for and it deserves more than a passing mention in my life.

I didn't have guitar lessons today because my guitar teacher's best friend was murdered on Saturday.
I don't think shaken quite covers it though. My dad was shaken when he heard the news. I'm pretty sure her friends are devastated.

Anyway. It's all very sad.

Maria Full of Grace was amazing. Y Tu Mama Tambien was also pretty good, entertaining but definately not fun for the whole family. Dazed and Confused... isn't worth mentioning, aside from the soundtrack.

I made chicken for dinner last night. Dad managed to screw up the rice. He also left everything out overnight, so now most of the chicken is garbage. I say bah to that.

I'm bound and determined to finish my book today because I'm not liking it, but I'm sure it has some potential, so I can't give up on it, but I just want to get it over with and move on to something better.

Guitar lessons this morning, I say bah to that as well.

Couch day. I had to go out and grab some advil, or rather "a butt-load of advil" as my dad says. While I was out I rented Maria Full of Grace, Dazed and Confused, and Y tu mamá también. All in all for a couch day it's not a total loss.

P.S. I'm eating lucky charms!

I got up at 4 to hug my mom goodbye, then I got up at seven and I felt so terrible. Not sick, just horribly uncomfortable. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's kind of like having a dream that you're falling, or on a run away train and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it, and you can't figure out how to wake up. I just don't feel good about something, but I don't know what it is. I just want to stay home today and cry. Gah. I HATE THIS FEELING.

I am truly ambivalent about going to the art store tonight. You see, it is quite possibly the coolest job ever, aside from a few select things that really aren't a reality. However, I don't really want to have a job. I don't know why I have such horrid committment issues. Plus I'm nearly 18 for crying out loud! I'm getting old! I could count the days until I will be an adult. I need to have a job!

However, I think part of my anxiety is because my mommy is leaving tomorrow. She is flying, and flying across north america at that. I've been having such horrible flying dreams lately. Did I tell you about the one where we had to make an emergency landing on a highway in Toronto?

I'm toying with the idea of applying to Mt. Allison in New Brunswick, and the UofC just to see if I'd be accepted, but then again, committment issues.

Anyway, I'm going to tidy today, maybe do some laundry. Prepare to be my father and brothers primary food maker (yikes) etc. I may also do some more vocab for english, and possibly get some stuff ready to do in CommTech.

"I look so long/I get obvious/I look so hard/I look obvious/I work so much/I miss the sun shine away/I sleep so little/Watch the stars fade into day/I get so city girl on you/I go so crazy I/Don't know what to do." ~Tegan & Sara - City Girl

Tegan and Sara concert tonight. It was excellent. I think that maybe, however, I am not going to go to another standing room only concert for a while. Standing room only smells like feet and every kind of perfume all mixed up. However, there were lots of girls, a few of which I knew, and it was good to see some of them. Also, hanging out with some people I don't usually see was pretty cool. I definately want to get to know them better....

No school tomorrow. Mommy's last day in Canada for a while. Hopeful job training. Hopeful excellent art store job secured. Hopeful social life procured.

I am only wearing one sock.

Today I had a horrific headache. Seems that with the recent weather patterns my brain seem to be keen on blowing up my skull. Sheesh.

Also, I may have a job. My potential boss is more scattered and non-committal than I am, so it will work well I hope. It's at the art store, which is awesomeness. Hurrah!