Tell me everything you love/hate about your cell phone. Apparently I need to get one.
The neighbours cat is hunting in our yard, once again. I just watched her eat a mouse... again. I think she's just doing it out of sport now. She can't possibly still be hungry.
I've been going to various university websites to try to get them to send me physical information, they don't want too.
I am finding it hard, because, all of the courses that really interest me, ie. Graphic Design, English, Journalism, Arts, Photography, Music Therapy, either don't have forseeable futures, or have various conflictions, for example. I can't take Graphic Arts and an art college because then, I can't take English and Journalism.
All I know is that I want to leave, and I need a way out.
Today was better than expected, and for now, I've decided I can't think about the future anymore, just the present and living in the moment, because that works. That doesn't lead to me wondering if I'll ever be able to keep a normal job, or if I'll ever be able to make long term plans. I get scared a lot about all the pain, and that I might be like this forever, and I'll never want to be alone, and how hard it will be to be normal. I could be talking about anything right? I mean, the above applies to everything about living and there is nothing I can do to change it in any perticular circumstance so, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and see how I feel and go from there. Plan? Plan.
Breath Me - Sia, best new song I've heard in a while. Go find it. It is so pretty.
I think I may be going to the best school. I am getting rather anxious for it all to get started. I just read the Student Guide Book or whatever they call it. It answered a lot of questions. I just hope that my expectations aren't too high.
I have decided that I need to see Garden State. The desperate nature of my need to see it has cause the degree of need to jump from wanting to needing. You know why? Well because it has a Postal Service song on the trailer of course!
This song I'm listening too is making my day.
There's a video too, which is quite possibly one of the most interesting ones I've seen lately, bear in mind Much Music and Much More Music are the type of television I avoid.
I think I need to buy this CD.
It was sunny today, and at work, Alex died her hair red [not at work, but rather Alex who is at work, died her hair red.] And she let me use the special scanner and sign my books out all by myself! It was exciting.
I signed out "A Field Guide to the URBAN HIPSTER."
I figure, going to an Alternative Highschool and all I might as well play Hipster Bingo for a while.
This afternoon I took my brother [yes, shocker of shocking news] and my Aunt to The Art Gallery of Calgary. I need to go there more. I need to go to Art Galleries in general more. They are so inspiring. I get ideas, I get cool ideas. I get back into the swing of the whole creation thing.
It is good.
Also, I went to the dentist this morning expecting the Apocalypse in the form of angry hygenists, and the dentist of death, and a plathora of bad oral hygene. On the contrary, my oral hygene appears to be very good, and I have a clean bill of... teeth...
...and so, of course I bought a bag of Strawberry BonBons from the British Imports store and have been devouring them one by one all evening.
No, I'll probably never learn.
Today was wet and rainy again. I slept through most of it. I woke up at noon, when to the bottle depot, went to the video store. Came home, yelled at my brother. Then it was like 3 and I just went and layed down on my bed in the dark and I fell asleep and slept all afternoon, until 5:30, then we went to dinner at Grandma's and it was okay but I was really grumpy because of either PMS or because of all the sleeping or possibly, and probably because of the weather.
Tomorrow needs to be different, but I have a dentist appointment and I have a feeling that won't be good. Then we are going to the science centre, and then I'm going to work. Ugh. I just want to sleep. Two hours ago I said, hey, I'm tired I should go to bed but look, two hours later I'm still sitting here and I still feel like crap.
Today was okay. The beginning and middle sucked. My stomach hurts and I'm not listening to anymore doctors. Never, I swear.
But this evening I worked with a couple of wonderful girls who made me laugh and I'm going to one of the coolest highschools in the country, according to MacLeans magazine and I bought a couple of art magazines from Shelly at the library for ten cents each.
I watched an adorable movie about girls in Sweden and it was cute and warm and now I need to fall in love immediately because it just feels right and okay right now.
Then I talked to a amazingly sweet girl whom I also adore, and she made me smile a lot and even laugh and I made her smile too and it makes me feel good, you know, this kind of exchange is good.
This is my cousin.Alex Murchison is my cousin. I adore this wonderful, amazing, talented man. I. Am. So. Proud. Of. Him.
My dad's prescription sunglasses, a camera, and a rainy day.
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I crocheted this scarf. It's thin and really long and has fuzzy trim.
The Great Room Tour!
This is my door. I bought the cat postcard because the girl working at the store was Hot Goth Girl #1 and I felt bad not buying something. The Beware sign is stupid really, the only reason it's there is it covers the stains on my door quite well. The name tag is a sticker that I made in a watercolour art camp one summer and never wore.
This is the full lenght of my door. The top is a recepie card with a PDKTF quote typed on my typewriter.
This is the view from my door. That big colour full lump is the best bed in the world. It has one afghan a sleeping bag, a quilt and a big puff sitting on it, as well as several stuffed animals [yes, not cool, I'm aware.] Big dark rectangle in the top left corner is a window. Note the new carpet!
The bookshelf. Books in order of height.
This is one of my poster walls, it has a Brodies Hostel poster [orangeone] the Tiebetan Book of the Dead poster[blueish] Ani Educated Guess poster[green] and a Toots and The Maytails poster [top right.] There is also a Abbey Road suvenir[smallwhite] The large doll is Casey. Above is my bookshelf.
My CD player and Lost In Translation poster. Red scarf tacked to the ceiling. The little white spot at the top is one of my glowinthedark fish. Hat/Coat rack.
CD player, it's always playing something.
This is my desk.
This is my desk.
This is the wall with my other window. Lots of posters. Lots of nicknacks.
This is my new computer chair. I used to have a lawnchair when I had my big computer but it sucks when you're using a laptop. Plus this is like a million years old and I love it.
Favorite corner. Pink Floyd Poster, Waking Life, sunflowers, cd rack, Dave Eggers quote, miror, photos, postcards, magnetic poetry baking sheet. Bed.
Djembe[big] Dunbeck[small] basket.
This is one wall of my closet. I helped build the whole thing. I'm proud.
Shelves on opposite wall of the closet. Big tub full of stuffed animals that I can't yet bear to part with.
I took this a couple of months ago on my lovely 35mm Cannon. I love that camera. I developed this at school so that explans the two images. I love how it looks like it's snowing, but it's all blue and bright. The figure on the left is Janine, she was cool. Today was cold and wet and grey and dark and I felt like shit the whole day.
I have moved all of my clothing to the middle of the room, and also, most of my belonging. They're all piled up, and I'm surveying all the crap that I have.
I have a lot of crap.
But lovable crap.
Today was good. This morning involved lost of in-the-car, out-of-the-car, in-the-car... but it was good.
Tonight we had a party, with professional clowns, who were really not supposed to perform but, you know clowns. The woman is a ventriliquist, and an amazing one at that. I haven't laughed so hard in a while. We drummed and it was so much fun. I think, that I should start going to the friday evening jam sessions. I think it would be good.
I took this on the way home from Watervalley. Really it was a crap picture, but I went into Photoshop and wow, it looks good enough to post.
Tomorrow there are plans, for my father and I anyway. We are going to go out and run "errands" which is just the manly way of saying "shop." I am getting up at the respectable hour of 9:30, and yes I know this is early but I have faith in my ability to do this.
Tomorrow I will drop off my resume at the art store. Even if I have butterflies in my stomach about leaving my current job, and working and all that stuff my mother said, it really seems a lot better. Plus, handing in a resume doesn't mean I am officially working there. Though I really like the thought of it. I do kind of feel bad about not showing Beljit my grad pictures like I said I would.
Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. He is very excited about this. We are having a party and my Grandmother and Aunt are coming over for dinner and then some other people are coming over after. It will be fun, or so I keep saying.
Matty gave me a free slurpee when I went to his store tonight. He's a nice crackhead anyway.
I worry a bit about my grandmother. We stopped in to visit her this evening and she looked really stressed. Like she did when she had the "big spell" a few months ago. I worry. I hope she's just tired. It just makes me angry sometimes.
Tomorrow will be good though, things will get done and the structure I crave will be in place.
Cruisin' The Cosmos With The Kid
TAURUS(April 20 - May 20)
With the moon in opposition, this weekend won't be a time when you're in tip-top condition. So why doncha take it easy for a few days and chew your cud, bud? You'll find ruminatin' not only illuminatin', it'll invigorate you with strength, to meet any test that's awaitin'.
This is from FFWD Weekly. It explains everything. This morning I just didn't feel right, so I showered and changed into a really comfy skirt and A&B showed up and I read them stories for a while. Then I went to Nordraft the Art Supply Store to look for screen printing supplies, found some, and ALSO, The owner of the store was there and she REALLY wants my resume and so tomorrow I'll take it in and probably buy the screen printing supplies.
So now I feel better.
I am Miss Grumpy-Pants. Seriously I'm so uncomfortable lately. My clothes don't feel like the fit right. My hair is always in the wrong place, or tickling my nose, or falling in my eyes. I'm too hot in my sweater and too cold without it. I am not doing anything. I have not done anything at all. I blame it whole heartedly on the weather. Right now, it's this horrible state of not sunny, but not raining, and not hot but not cold, just cool, and grey and heavy.
Plus, I seem to have been struck with my usual semi-regular bouts of insomnia, so above all I'm just really tired. Plus, my brother is an ass. I need to get out.
I can't sleep. My room has a high frequency humm/vibration thing going on. I can't find where it's coming from, and every now and then there is some thumping. It's been days now since I've slept properly. Which I think is the entire problem. Plus there are moths everywhere. Some of them are dead, some are not. When I turn out my lights at night they start flying around and bash against the walls, my mother says they are harmless when I tell her I've been up all night catching moths in a honey jar. They make a lot of noise.
I haven't taken a good picture in a horrible ammount of time. It hurts. It doesn't feel natural anymore.
I am empty. I am beginning to feel all the things I've lost the past year. I don't know why I cry sometimes.
I am eating a meringue nest, heating a samosa, and thinking about the introduction to the novel I want to write this year. In a few minutes I will probably go watch one of the seven foreign films I rented today. Third of four consecutive days shelving and I know where everything goes.
I have given up on all of my projects. My mother yelled at me for fifteen minutes this morning and then proceded to talk me out of all of them, except for painting the house. I have not yet taken my learners test because mom talked me out of that too. Fact is, she doesn't want to do anything, and because she has a habit of taking all of my projects on as well, she doesn't want me to do anything either.
My father, being much like he usually is, has decided to cancel his birthday party and go off biking in the mountains. I would love to go biking with them like we used to but I'm not invited anymore. The climb mountains on their bikes and cross streams and erik doesn't remember when he was still too scared to cross the streams so him and mom would head back to the car and dad and I would cross the streams and climb the trails. I think I'm the only one who remembers that.
So my father isn't home anymore, between work and biking, so I'm not getting any help with the screenpriting. However, if I'm not allowed to get a new job, I guess I'll just do the screen printing stuff. However, I can't do that by myself either, and I actually need money for it, and everything seems to be conflicting. It's so difficult to do anything I kind of want to just sit here doing nothing, and then go to work and then come home, and do nothing again.
My aunt is driving my mother to new heights of nervousness, and irratibility. She invited herself over the other night for a sleepover and asked if we could make crepes for breakfast. Then mom made the crepes and she ate them and then she asked if we could go to the mall, which was not in fact where she wanted to go, but we went anyway, and then she asked if we could go to Army & Navy where she originally wanted to go to and mom said no because I had to go to work. Then she wimpered like it was the worst thing in the world.
Why is everything so difficult?
I am in a good mood yo.
I came home from work to find two new e-mails in my inbox. One will help me with the drum circle charity part thing. And one will help me with the new job thing. So this is progress.
Tomorrow Mom, Trea, possibly Bronwyn and I are going to see Festival Express. It's got Janis Joplin in it. Janis, a train, the Grateful dead and three city festival tour. I'm very excited.
I woke up and made crepes this morning. I'm learning how to knit but I definitely like crocheting better. I'm making a pot holder, or a dish cloth... we'll see. I've been listening to music like crazy, and things are wonderful.
The day started with me sobbing due to the fact that every single person in my house commented on what I should be wearing. I was literally throwing a temper tantrum.
Mom: So is that what you are wearing? (Noting the brown cords and the black sport tank top.)
Me: Well, apparently I'm not anymore.
We went out to the mountains and we rode in this old yellow school bus up the ski out road on this mountain. It was worse than a rollercoaster. There was a cliff to one side and trees to the other and hair-pin turns and other such unpleasantness. When we got to the top of the road we then walked straight up hill for several kilometers until we passed into British Columbia. We looked at a lake, said "Ohh pretty," and turned around.
Notable things about today:
The fact that last night while cleaning my room I stepped on a tack lodging it well into the space between my little toe and my second little toe on my right foot. I think it may be slightly infected, which did not help with the climbing and hiking and whatnot.
The elderly couple who were probably in their 80's who hobbled up the trail arm in arm and sat at the lookout place and at cheese and crackers and tea, and then hobbled back down.
Dunking my head in the stream that was probably glacial run off and was brutally cold. My hair is now all curly and frizzy and because I do not have to go out in public it is wonderful.
Sticking my head out the window as we drove home and letting the wind feel all soft and make my hair fly everywhere. That was the best part of my day.
It started off with a "Hello gorgeous!" and should have ended with a "Fuck you."
The idiot boy at the gas station where I had been sent to pick up a paper tried to not only over charge me for the said paper, but also tried to pocket my change. I keep trying to explain it to myself, exactly why this stupid boy would pick me, tonight. Is it because I'm small, or female, or blond or 17 years old?
I stalked out and across the parking lot back to my house muttering to myself and trying to look as intimidating as I possibly can. I hate that place.
... and so it came to pass that a certain young lady found herself with a house full of shoes on a Wednesday evening in mid August... 1. Tap Shoes Black, leather, brand new Bought new in the fall a few weeks before quitting tap. I like walking around the house and hearing my feet click in them
2. Blue Glasgow Shoes Bought on last day in Glasgow I wanted cute british shoes The cost me 12pounds if my mememory serves me right Purchased at a UK version of Payless Shoes
3. Purple Pimp Shoes 4. Black Sandals black, possibly patent leather, bit of a heel, rubbery bought second hand for nineth grade graduation worn maybe twice, once being the graduation gives horrible blisters on the tops of feet
5. Black Dress Shoes bought at The Bay this spring intended to be "nice" shoes for "dress up" everything I'm looking for in a shoe, except the have padded bottoms (like inside the shoe) and whenever I step down my heel rubs against the back of the shoe giving horrid blisters
6. Vintage Bowling Shoes Bought for $5.99 on 17th AVE Addidas very very old, with that nice worn looking quality that I love about three inches too big absolutely no foot support at all adore them
7. Sneaks x2 Addida's running shoes two pairs, exact same model worn to bits, one pair is slightly darker than the other need to dispose of one pair due to alarming ammount of shoes
8. Merrell 9. Chucks Two Toned black and white hi-tops Black laces with white stars kind of falling apart added foamy inserts and now they don't hurt
10. Immitation Chucks 11. Dyke Boots 12. Sk8er 13. Grandma Slippers 14. Fuzzy Star Slippers 15. Blue Paw Print 16. Black Thong Sandals 17. Nike Sandals 18. Black sneakers The End. And now for an explaination: I used to be a two pairs of shoes person. I only ever had two pairs of shoes ever. For a while my foot size peaked at 8.5 (by the standards of whatever country I bought them in) but as it turns out I'm only a 7.5 so I had that one pair of addidas sneakers, and I loved them, and then I bought another pair and when those pairs began to hurt my feet because they were old and all of the support was gone and whatnot I began buying new shoes and none of them I really liked and over the years I've collected seventeen different types of footwear and it amazes me... I mean how many kids have tap shoes, and pimp shoes and dyke boots...
After coming to the conclusion that I no longer want to read Betsy Books, I decided that I need to find some other fairly decently written books to read. I'm learning away from the YA books, they are all about 12 year old girls discovering their bodies and how their parents are actually not as stupid as they seem and really I've been there.
I've just finished reading The Best American Non-Required Reading 2003, which I waited forever for. I think it may be the best compilation of stories ever. I love this book. So after reading short stories, cartoons and essays I've put some books on hold at the library. I just forced myself away from that page and on to here because I've just put six books on hold and many of them I will get soon, and they are large books, books that will take some time to read.
10th Grade.Joseph Weisberg
Everything is Illuminated (on CD) by Jonathan Safran Foer
Fight Club.Chuck Palahniuk
Me Talk Pretty One Day.(large print) David Sedaris (The library has seveal David Sedaris books, including Naked which is the one I wanted, but they all have 50 some holds on them, and so I settled for the large print which only has four holds on it.)
Sarah. J.T.Leroy
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.Chuck Klosterman (I really wanted Fargo Rock City but the library doesn't even have that.)
So yes, I won't be getting Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs any time soon because I'm 11 of 11 on the list, and I won't be getting Fight Club for at least two weeks because I'm 4 of 4 and despite working at the library I really have no magical veto book holding powers.
Speaking of which, I need to go to work now.
I woke up this morning thinking "why the hell not?" To the idea of travelling around the east coast of Canada with my cousin and my aunt. I mean, the timing is a little bad, being that I'll graduate and then I might possibly be going out east any way for a 50th Wedding Anneversary. But really, what's stopping me, why am I so hesitant? I've only wanted to do this type of trip since I was old enough to consciously know that I love it out there, and I've not done it yet, and there are no other plans to do that type of thing, so what's stopping me?
Also, I think too much and moving across the country is really a matter of packing and flying.
The lovely Emily Hanes of Metric... if you couldn't tell... Sorry it's taken me an insanely long time to get this all up.
This is the print on my lovely Lotus T-shirt. It is my favotire shirt ever, except maybe my infamous black tank tops. It's my favorite that I've made in any case.
I stayed up very late last night drawing self portraits with purple crayons.
Today I washed the house... the outside of it. It was very dirty. Surprisingly so.
Tonight I think I am reading the Learners License booklet, and Girl with a Pearl Earring.
Tomorrow I am waking up at nine thirty in order to call my boss and to go to Value Village with my mother.
Nine thirty is unbelievably early.
I'm not liking this having a part time job in a library thing. I talked to the angry blonde lady this evening, and she's not as angry as she looks, which is good. Also, I work tomorrow night too, which I was not planning on, and the night after that, and then next week I work Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday and the then next week I work Monday Tuesday and Thursday. While this seems to be what a part time job should be I fear it may make me psycotic. Just a theory though. I talk to myself too much while I work and everyone thinks I'm crazy, and I've perfected the Floppy Rockstar mannerisms and I found a spider mite crawling around on one of the CD's I was shelving.
I have to go call my cuz'n now.
I have returned from my vacation. It is the last of my summer vacations. It feels kind of good to be home for a while now. Not that it's all that nice to be home, but it's nice to be in one place for an extended period of time.
Being that I will be around for the rest of the summer, and that my eccentric Aunt, yes, you heard me, will also be around for the rest of the summer, I have a lot planned. I vow to have my learners license by Friday... Or Monday at the very latest. Which I suppose mean that I should probably get my act together and read the stupid book again.
Also, I have two rather large projects. One large in organization and the other large in cost.
I'm trying to set up a decent screen printing operation either in my house, garage or my grandmothers basement. I figure if I keep the location a rather vague idea something will work out. My main problem with the location is that A) Screen Printing is a disgusting, stinky and at time poisonous art form and B) It gets very very very cold her for ten months of the year, so outdoors is probably not a good idea, and the garage is probably also not going to work. Other than that there is the problem of lack of available money and the fact that this whole thing will cost quite a bit of money and will probably not be one of those things that ends up paying for itself.
My second project is the organization of a large scale drum circle which will raise money for a charity which is, much like the rest of the project, still undetermined. This is much simpler than the above project and I can probably do it, and if it is a success or not is not the type of thing I can really control all that much.
There are other projects too, such as painting our house (the outside) and finding a new job, or another job, or working more. There are also long term projects such as "the great escape" which involves me not being stuck in the prairies for the next five years, and also involves me becoming unbelievably sure of myself and independent, and it also has me deciding if I'm going immediately to university or not. How exactly does one move across the country?
It all seems daunting and exciting at the same time. I'm detemined to keep myself busy this month and avoid the usual mysterious and catastrophic medical emergency.
Oh, this is big news. I'm switching my soy milk from So Good Original to Tayo Potato Drink. Tayo is much more like real milk and much less like a sugary syrupy mixture.
I've changed a lot recently and I keep changing but I still cry when I get my period and I still forget to buy pads until I really need them and I still wish I were the type of girl who didn't cry and who stayed on top of things like that by buying that sort of thing when they were on sale and not have to walk to the drug store at 8AM.
I don't know where I am with the French, but I love Arlene Bishop, and Jorane, and music in general and I really want to give some people a call. I need to send some mail. And I made two scarves while I was away, I'm working on a pot holder from the pattern on the little wrapper that came with the balls of cotton yarn that I bought for $1 at the Fernie Bargain Bargain Bargain store.
We might be getting a kitten.
Joanna Newsom sends chills up my spine.
So today is a free day. Which means I sleep until noon, by accident. When I wake up my mother is washing fabric and my father and brother are somewhere in the mountains on their bikes.
I have officially wasted two hours and forty minutes trying to decide what to do today while I was crocheting my scarf. I love my scarf. I can tell this will be addictive.
I have decided to do all that stuff that I should get done before I go off on holiday again. i.e. Mail all those people who I promised 'zines and haven't yet sent them. Make a mixed CD of my favorite folk fest songs. Read all those books I should have read last month. PLAN the screen printing set up and the drum circle.
So if you haven't received one of my latest 'zines featuring Miss Jessica Jackson and Jazz talking about hearts then now would be the time to request one.
Tonight I learned how to crochet. I bought some rainbow yarn at Michaels this afternoon and it motivated me to learn how to crochet. I made half a scarf during Taken and while we watched A Beautiful Mind. I took it apart though because when I started it i was doing it waaayyy to tight and it looked weird and now I can make a better scarf because I think I've got the basic hang of it.
As I mentioned, we went to Michaels on the way to the Indian Sari Fabric store. These stores are farther away than Ikea is but in the same general direction. Mom and I picked up Brenna, her sister and her mother and off we went. Michaels was fun as always. I bought two largish canvases, some pliers for beading, and the rainbow yarn. I tried to find silk screening supplies but I asked two different people and they were both unbelievably unhelpful. The first said "you're going to have to ask someone in the art department" (which I was standing in at the time) and the second said, "I really don't know... you mean like t-shirt paint?" Me:"Umm, well yes same idea but I need screens, with nylon..." "No I don't think I've seen any of that around... you might want to try another department though."
I just turned around and walked back to my mother.
Then we went to the crazy indian sari fabric store and we were the only "white people" there. They had some really amazing fabrics though and I bought some to make fairy skirts out of. I figure I'm going to set up tables at craft fairs again this winter and sell t-shirts and skirts and jewelry. We'll see how it goes.
My father was standing in the middle of the kitchen a minute ago. He was laughing at me because I am sitting here talking to people on the computer and undoing the scarf thing at the same time and I suppose that looks rather odd.
Bronwyn and I had fun today. She is a lovely person. She adores those silly polyester vintage dresses nearly as much as I do. More actually.
I was trying on Chuck Taylor converse shoes at Divine this afternoon and the girl who was working there looked so familiar, she actually looked a bit like Ani, and she is so tiny. Anyway, she's from "the club" which I've decided to call it. You know that group on Monday nights for kids with "problems" and who need "support" and that one that I can't ever seem to make it too despite the best of intentions. Anyway, she was beautiful goth girl who is unfortunately far too old for me and probably has a boyfriend or something. It was cool to see her though, and I'm always really happy when I see people I've met before.
Speaking of familiar people, I saw a girl from grade seven the other day. Usually I run in fear every time I see someone from that year. I saw Meridith, and if you knew me at all during that year you know who Meridith is. You know, Meridith and Emily. Yeah. Them. Anyway, she looks exactly the same, except she is a bit bigger and has reddish hair now, and no glasses, so it took me a while to figure out who she was. She also looked really sad. I don't know.
I'm a bit sad right now. Or at least I think I am. My body is staging a take over or something. So I'm going off the drugs so it can sort itself out I guess. I think it's all a big mess this experimentation. I watched Notting Hill this evening. I adore that movie and I hate to say it but I love Julia Roberts, but only in Notting Hill and Runaway Bride and I'm sorry if I like romantic movies but I do so get over it. I want Spike to be my roommate.
My allergies are going full force these days, and my eyes are kind of swelling up and I think I may be allergic to my new pants... so I should was them tomorrow.
I can't think of anything else to say, except that I love everyone and everything with much too much force and ease.
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