I realized for what must be the zillionth time that I'm approaching seven years. Seven years on June 1st. It's been seven years that I've been in this pain. It's been seven years that I have been scared almost all the time how bad it's going to get and when it's going to go away. Seven fucking years, and today was the first day that I've done anything to try to make it go away.

I don't care about any of the drama stuff. In fact I don't really like it. I always feel like a horrible introvert. I feel like I'm on the edge of things, I suppose wallflower is the term but I'm not literally on the edge, I'm right in the middle because it's impossible to be anything else around drama people on opening night. But I'm still not really part of it all.

I miss Emily, a lot. I hate that she's not happy, and I'm always wondering what she's carrying around with her. I don't know why I'm saying this.

I can't remember what it's like to have a good day. My birthday came and went and I was hoping... but it wasn't any different than any of the other days.

I had a really good hour today. We threw bingo cards around in the field because they fly amazingly well (better than the regular frisbees) and I dound a whole bunch of them in the dumpster, as I've mentioned. And Nico got stuck in a tree and traded pants with Erin so that Erin was wearing Nico's skirt and she was wearing Erins pants. Then I had to go get Anthony who rescued her so we could go exchange cards. That was fun. I kind of forgot about everything for a while, and how crappy I felt and everything that goes along with that and I had fun. I laughed, real laughter and I couldn't stop for a while because it just kept coming.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep because I also realized tonight, and is probably the primary reason that I started crying tonight that, I will most likely never be pregnant, or have a child. This never really sunk in, but there is a girl in my book, about my age and she's pregnant and I'm being stupid and I should probably add this to my list of things to surpress for the rest of my life, this whole post infact, except for the tree and the BINGO cards of course, I kind of want to remember that. I don't know when it will happen again.

Drinking five glasses of water in the span of half an hour is BRUTAL. You hear stories of kids on drugs drowning themselves at raves. That's how I feel at the moment, saturated, and I have two minutes to drink 2.5 glasses of water.

I went to school for two periods today. In Math the DeVry guy abducted the class and I read my book for the whole class while he recited his whole Career's in Technology speech. I've heard it before, about a month ago. He told me to take a nap.

In CommTech we had Mr. Sweetland the very edgy substitute. I started cutting stuff with the HUGE paper cutter for Caroline and he started jumping about raving about fingers and slicing and I successfully managed to do all the cutting without losing any fingers. Then Helena and I took a camera outside and I found old bingo cards in the dumpster, (yes, I was dumpster diving again) and we played Frisbee with them.

Turrah!!!!

The thing about writing is that it's all about being in the moment. Especially so with short pieces. I always feel like I'm in the perfect mood to write something that is really something better than this but I don't have the time or the energy or the mental capacity right now to follow through on my idea's and it's frustrating because then I lose them and things change from one day to the next and suddenly that idea doesn't mean as much or apply as well and it just doensn't come out.

Tomorrow I go to have an ultrasound done on my poor belly. I'm slightly excited hoping I can see the inside of my stomach, as I haven't since I was four. However, I still remember doing this when I was four and I remember having to drink an insane amount of water, and I don't think I've mentioned it before but I typically hate water. So yes... Mixed feelings all around. I hope someone some where can figure out how to fix me.

Also, I have so many long-term projects on the go that I don't remember what it's like to actually finish anything.

There are many people I'd like to talk to/e-mail but I'm so tired and busy and ouch my stomach is no happy.

"We quietly grow strong so early." - Tegan & Sara

My aunt sprained her ankle while attempting to levetate after seeing the Dali Lama. My father says almost daily: "I wish I had a normal sister." Then he just shakes his head and wonders what will happen tomorrow.

My house is surrounded by many playgrounds. One day I walked out my back door with two camera's around my neck and one in my pocket.

These are from the two consecutive weekend trips to

Canmore/Banff that we went on. I know there are more somewhere

but I just don't know where.

I love the sky.

I'm reflecting in the window.

I particularly love how in this one it looks like my hand is

holding the tree up. 

Sheesh. I've been so busy lately. I want to write everything down but I haven't had a chance to sit down much lately. Everything is moving along at a swift clip and I'm just floating by. I've done so much, but I still feel like I haven't been anywhere or accompished anything.

Thank you to all of you who sent/voiced birthday greetings etc. They made my day.

My grandmother is planning the great escape from the eighth floor cardiology unit of the Foothills Hospital. My brother is limping around school after spending most of yesterday at the walk-in clinic. Yesterday I went to a "specialist" for my "problems" She couldn't believe that I haven't yet had a ultrasound. This made me mostly furious with my regular doctor.

My father leaves for work at six in the morning and doesn't get home till 6.30 at night. Then he goes to the hospital to visit my grandmother and we're all very tired.

My birthday is tomorrow but everyone's forgotten what day is it, except for brenna who gave me an "Anthems for a 17 year old girl" mixed tape. I love it, even though I haven't listened to it yet.

Hopefully I'll finally buy a new pair of sneakers after school today.

I woke up on the couch again this morning. Unlike yesterday I did see my mother today. She brought me a banana chocolate chip muffin for my to eat on the way to the hospital. We went to visit my grandmother, who is having an angieoplasty (spelling?) tomorrow. She looks pretty good, when we first came in she looked pretty rough but she perked up a bit.

Hospitals are scary as hell. Avoid them.

I have to work tonight and I am going to suck.

What day is it tomorrow? Wait... What day is it today? The twentieth eh... So that means I have double math. Damnit. I don't know how I'm going to float through this mess.

As much as I'd love a social protest I don't think I can manage the Day of Silence. It's not all that revolutionary anyway being that I am a silenced queer and Brenna is just silenced.

So my mother did spend the day in the hospital with my grandmother. My grandmother was admitted late this evening and they are planning for her to stay for three days. I was scared all day and at one point right after school my jaw started shaking and I couldn't stop it.

I made popcorn for dinner and watched FightClub instead of doing everything I need to do. It will some how miraculously get done, even though I keep committing to things that I know I shouldn't agree too. I know everything will get done.

So I throw up my hands and head off for my second night on our couch.

I just called home to see if my mother would pick me up or bring my stuff or something, but she wasn't home. My grandmother has been having heart trouble and my mother was going to go see if she could coax her into the hospital for a check up because my grandmother isn't the most rational person [neither is my mother mind you.]

I'm worried because the stress lately is phenomenal. I'll be glad when I've taken in the Alternative stuff, and once I've printed the program, and once I sort out all of my medical stuff, then I'll be able to breath without feeling like I don't have the time too.

Last night was Ani in Banff. It was quite the experience. It seems strange now that my parents would take me two hours out of our way for me and only me to go see a concert none of them had any interest in. Man... They're awesome.

I'm in Comm Tech now and I'ml ooking up through the skylights and the sky is such a brilliant blue and the clouds are so puffy and white it's great weather I think. It's pretty anyway.

From the time I woke up yesterday, around 11, till 4:30 I cleaned my room. I don't me like picking up everything that was on the floor, I mean moving all the furniture, and vacuuming. It was crazy. I even washed my windows, which was crazy because my windows had never been washed... That I can remember. It had gotten to the point that I couldn't actually open them. I never finished so I slept on the couch last night. Our couch is the most comfortable couch in the world. Or so we think.

Today is crap. I didn't come for first period, so I slept in, then I forgot everything that I actually needed for today on the computer desk. So I'm trying to decide if I should try to get to school and back over lunch and my spare or if I should just ignore it all and be like everyone else. I'll probably choose the latter because I am a lazy bum today.

So Ani was exceptional. She played all the songs I love. It would have been amazing if she played Firedoor or Gravel or Both Hands, but she played Marrow and Anticipate and Your Next Bold Move and a reallly really REALLY awesome version of Shameless. It made my month, and this concert just beat Jann Arden for the best concert I've been too.

There is a large white board covering one of the walls in my basement. It's in the Rumpus Room, a room full of computers, televisions and a mixture of retired furniture. It is our living room, family room, rec room, and occasionally our dining room. I love this room for the most part. It's cozy and comfortable. It's also the place where the electronic wars take place. Competitions between the volume of the television and the volume of the computer escalate far higher than healthy noise levels. Remote controls are stashed, stolen and hidden. The perfect seat for our favorite shows are secured at least ten minutes in advance, with no guarantee that it won't be hijacked if you get up to go to the bathroom or grab some snacks. The north wall is decorated like the Trading Spaces nightmare. Partially covered in old photographs, dark oil paintings from family friends and horrible framed posters. The south wall is my favorite. Everything blends and fits together so perfectly. To the east is the fireplace and the floor to ceiling rock wall. The white board is on the west wall. It's unsightly, and while I'm not usually fussy about things like that, this particular board and all that it contains makes me furious upon sight. While my father was unemployed he would write down everything he needed to do for the day on half of it, everything he needed to do for the week on the other half. Tiny affirmations and pleads with the universe were dashed in where ever there was space.

Now that he has a job the board has become his personal to-do list. Things that never get done, get forgotten and even play time is scheduled. It bothers me, it's ugly and intruding and I think I might just be jealous of it. I find that pitiful on my part, that I'm jealous of an office accessory. I think I hate that he plans all of it and yet I'm not really planned in, aside for a pat on the head and the "build k's window" that has been there for several months.

I've taken to writing large words like commiserate and tonight I wrote "I hate this fucking board" because I do, and I think it should know it's place, even if I erase it before anyone else sees it, at least I've said it.

I don't really think I'm sane.

My brother is going to the WWE wrestling show here in town on Monday. He's taking a giant hand made yellow poster with the word "Bien!" written on it. [For those of you as clueless as me, bien means good 'and so much more' in french.]

On Sunday, my mother, Brenna, Brenna's sister and their mother are driving up to Banff to see Ani. I am very very very excited. I don't think I need to point that out. In the spirit of family anecdotes, picture this. My mother, [slightly frenzied older woman] driving 110km/h down the highway at midnight. No. I can't imagine it either. I have no idea how this is going to work out, but it's all good because it's Ani and I love Ani.

I'm finding it very hard to get into a routine. On my MSN list there is a name "Mental emphysema" this is totally me. There are a whole bunch of holes in my brain like a sieve and I can't for the life of me remember much. My short term memory mostly doesn't exist. This scares me a lot.

and finally,

Tomorrow is FRIDAY!! Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

I've been devouring books lately. One every two days or so for roughly the past six days. The first was What Happened to Lani Garver by Carol Plum-Ucci. It was fantastic. It's all about this girl living in a small ocean town and then Lani Garver moves into town and no one can tell if he's a boy or a girl and he gets hassled a lot about it. It's all about angels and rock and roll and leather and the ocean.

The second was Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta. It's by the same author as Looking for Alibrandi which was also amazing. This one is about a girl in the 11th year of a formerly all boys school. It's really snappy and Francesca is very intelligent, even if she's a bit silly at times.

The third was Girl Walking Backwards by Bett Williams. I've been searching all over this silly city, and the internet for it for about a year, possibly more. The all of the characters are extremely diverse and interesting. They seem real. I got the eerie feeling that if my parent's were divorced I could easily be living her life. This one was definitely worth the wait, though I wish I was the type to savor books. Seventeen dollars is a lot of money for two days worth of entertainment.
It just finished it this evening. I came home and read all evening. I started it last night. I amaze myself at how fast I read this stuff.

In other news. I've gotten over my anxiety over Alternative. I realized while talking to my lovely cousin that if I don't do this than I'm going to end up regretting it and wanting to go back and take back my last year and re-do everything. I've decided that I'm going to compile a few of my best blog entries from this blog and my previous one. I need help with this though. If you can remember any posts that jumped out at you and you think define who I am, please tell me which ones they are. Thank you.

I'm also going to put in a copy of my zine. That just dawned on me too. There are so many piles of paper in my room it's a mess. I'm thinking I might be like Emily (of the former girlfriend variety) and just not clean my room anymore. We'll see.

Meanwhile, Drama stuff is coming along nicely. Mr. Jobb is really putting me to work and I love that. I'm such a techie geek it's wonderful. This is why I think I should somehow end up in advertising. I'm really excited about seeing the play. It's going to be AMAZING. One of the actors is in my science class. I can't stand him, he's a football player too, which he says all the time, as if that justifies anything. I'm sure he's a good guy but he really gets under my skin. I amaze myself sometimes, I'm so snappy around him.

I'm also trying to orgainze a group to do the DAY OF SILENCE at school on the 21st. I'm definitely going to do it. It's a protest where students in high school and University take a vow of silence for the school day in order to signify the way many queer youth are silenced while in school. I need to do this. I don't yet understand why.

I've been trying to sign up officially, or join a group in the country that is officially signed up, but since it's a thing done primarily in the United States and Australia it's proving very difficult. In any case, I'm putting together my own little homage to the event. If anyone would like to participate (and you attend my school) I will have unofficial gear ready by Tuesday the 20th. The Day of Silence is on the 21st.

I also have good news. I finally discovered some inspiration for this sorry excuse for a blog template. I thought of it while I was having blood drawn today. There is no connection between the idea and the action, but it was both a dramatic visit to the clinic and an inspirational one.

I hope someone figures out what's wrong with me so I can stop fighting my body and just focus on the rest of the list. I'm going to make an official list soon, as well as a birthday list. I've been dropping hints to my family for a while now.

I seem to have so much to say today. I talked to my cousin who is fabulous. I was feeling extremely crappy because of the weather and the blood and the general sense of grossness lately and she called me up just after I talked to my little Brandy who was so lonely cause her big sister is off at camp. Emily succeeded in calming me down a bit, getting me to open up just a bit, and make me laugh. Why is my family so goddamn far away from me? My other cousin who I love so much it hurts all the time is somewhere in Arkansas in a canoe and I miss her so much.

In the next few days I want to put together a "safe sex" information sheet for my former CALM teacher, who also happens to be the leader of the CALM department at school. For a educator she is severely misinformed and her ignorance annoys me. I forgive her because she is old and has a lot of problems herself and I think she is simply tired. Things need to change though, and so, I will try. I've got this really great book signed out of the library (under a false alias [my father's] of course) and I feel so much more confident about being safe now. I think, things need to be done and they need to be done yesterday and THE PUBLIC MUST BE INFORMED. It's no wonder AIDS is running rampant, at the slightest mention of gloves or plastic wrap, condoms or dental dams the teachers flip out over technicalities and lawsuits and the fact that they can't teach sexual positions. I think it's outrageous, but I can't do much, but I'm going to try to do what I can, because I wish someone had informed me, and I didn't have to go out into the streets to educate myself. I mean, isn't this what everyone's trying to avoid, us innocent children learning about sex on the streets?



Sorry about that.

Brenna disappeared today. Actually she never made an appearance at all. Though I wasn't around much, she may have and I just missed it. Anyway, in the hallway this morning Erin poked me and asked if Brenna was dead and a bolt of fear went through me and I haven't been able to shake it off. Maybe I can sleep it off, and when I go to school tomorrow she will be there and she will laugh at me for my insanity and learned irrational behavior.

Wow. If this were a LJ it would certainly deserve a lj cut tag. But it's not, and I don't know how to do cut tags, so Tah DAH! This was insanely long and pointless but I needed someone to listen to me I think. Things just keep pouring out of me and I've never been the type to do my math homework.

Last night my body decided that it hates me and doesn't like the drugs I'm giving it and was all weird and jittery and nauseas and generally very disgusting till about 4 in the morning. I just lay there for hours watching my neon pink clock tick between the two seconds. I suppose at some time it started working again because when I woke up it said 10:30 and I jumped out of bed so fast I tripped on all the crap on my floor and landed on my face. It was only 8. I freaked out anyway.

My clock with the hands is stuck on seven twenty and the second hand keep clicking back and forth between two seconds.

My life has become a mush of heat and paper. I spent the weekend pulling little pieces of paper from a small pentagon glass jar. The paper told me what I had to do and I did it, for the most part. I've almost done the application, and the portfolio, I've written a letter and a half, I've messed with my blog and put it back together.

I finished the final rough draft of the program this evening for the second time. Don't ask it was a disaster.

I feel like I'm in the middle of the desert. I might as well be. Everything is dry and sandy and beige. It's hot in the sun room where I spent the remainder of the evening reading. It's hot down in the basement and I just want to listen to Ani instrumentals and lay on my bed in my underwear, but all of my Ani instrumental songs are on the computer and so I've stripped down to my bra and my Vegas mermaid skirt.

All of my black clothing is wet because our clothes line is broken and our drier is broken too, and would it be redundant to say that our dishwasher and stove also seem to be on the fritz?

I'm scared that I just created this whole Alternative thing just so I would have a project to distract me. I'm scared that everything is going to change and I won't be able to deal with it and I'll end up kicking some poor guy and storming out again. True story.

In grade seven there were a whole bunch of boys and the class was massive 60 kids. Crazy hey? Anyway, there was a particular boy who I thought was amazingly vulgar. I hated him. He consequently hated me. He would follow me home throwing stuff at me and muttering obscenities and I would just go to someone else's back yard and then sneak away through the alley. One day he called me something in the middle of the class room and I kicked him in the crotch and left the building. It took me a week before I went back to class because I had another asthma attack that night.

I feel the strangest desire to tell you all of my deep dark secrets like Jessica did the other day, but I can't I only have one that comes to mind anyway.

I'm terrified that if I get attacked that I won't be able to scream. That being said, I don't think I could scream in any situation. I'm just silent for the most part.

It seems that whenever I strike some sort of retaliation against my brother he ends up getting hurt. Today I hit him in the eyes with a clothing tag... what are the odds?

Sorry this template looks like shit. Please ignore it. I will fix it soon I promise.

Tonight's drama involved my sitting in the middle of our tiny kitchen floor protesting the mass murder of our furry backyard creatures. The mousy kind. I was allegedly caught yelling things like "I won't stand for this!" and "You can't bait them with MY peanut butter! I won't allow it!"

Apparently good old fashioned cheese is too expensive for a mouse's send off. I wonder if they like soy. In any case, my mother is freaking out because she hates mice, especially close the house. These particular mice made nests under the snow in our backyard during the winter and they ate a lot of our grass. At least I think they did. My lawn looks like it has been attacked by the crop circles.

The second scene of the evening involved me, once again sitting between the fridge and the dishwasher yelling, "I don't want to take the stupid pill" and simultaneously bursting into tears.
See, it's not good for me, all these drugs and drama. It's like tequila and aspirin, they just don't mix.

The whole point of that post was the announce that I called for a new doctor today. There's a list on the internet, imagine that!

Today my mother said "It's getting really hard to come back lately." Then she started getting all teary and disappeared for a while.

My family is falling apart. You already knew that though didn't you.

I'm taking babysteps.

taking.
making.
faking.

Maybe it's all the same thing. That's how it all feels right now. There's so much that I haven't done. Today, someone said about being a teenager; "There's an impending sense of doom." I think that's fairly accurate.

My eyes are leaking. I wouldn't really say I'm crying, there are tears running down my face and I don't know why, or how to stop them. It's so late.

Could I be a waitress?
A Lawyer?

I tried to make this look different today, but I can't find anywhere that will host the banner I made and so... It looks like crap. Ignore it.

I'm making another zine for CommTech. Except I haven't done any work on it at all. It's all in my head, which is a very dangerous place to be right now, lest I suddenly forget. I guarantee I will.

Tomorrow is Good Friday.

Where should I live next? (Seriously, tell me Where and Why.)

My father wants me to write the definitive novel of my generation. I think that could work for me. I could be the next Salinger, or the next Tolkein or the next.... Rowling. I think that would be nice.

This afternoon I went and saw Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. It was AMAZING. Go see it now.

Yesterday I saw a six year old pull a knife on another six year old. They were having a fight over monopoly money. It scared me a lot.

I'm trying to get inspiration for a new layout, but I can't think of anything. Suggestions?

From about Wednesday until nine this morning I've simply felt like my insides are screaming. Like that one pink Floyd poster. I just feel like I'm screaming and I'm trying to keep it all in, and keep my body floating and upright. It's hard, and I forgot about food yesterday, and the fact that I need to eat food.
I'm still screaming, but now I know that I'll be alright because I have three periods left, one of which is a spare, and I have two unit finals, one in math and one in Physics, and it's all going to be good, because I got 100% on the replacement quiz I wrote in math yesterday. This makes me so happy.

Also the fact that my father made my lunch for me today doesn't make things any worse.