okay, rationalize!

What is more valuable, blood or tears?

this story ends in blood shed

I am so ready to be done with my childhood. The anticipation filling my body is making everything tingle as I feel everything shitty about my childhood exploding.

There are a few things I want to keep, memories, people, things, but for the most part, I want to leave all the crap behind.

I talked to a dear friend [who was never intended to be a friend, but who has turned into such a fabulous person in my life] on the telephone for an hour tonight, and despite complaining about work for 60% of that conversation I am still feeling better than I felt before the call.

I felt pretty lousy all weekend. Last week was a pretty crazy rollercoaster of emotions, and I can't take it like I used to, I don't bouce back anymore, so I got into the kind of tortured melancholy mood on thursday night and it seems to be lagging around all weekend. I say Bah to that.

If your name is Emily Smith I'd love to hear from you. Also, if your name is not actually Emily Smith, I'd also love to hear from you. I'm feeling pretty alone right now. Actually, I'm feeling a bit better right now.

[Music: The Stills - In The Beginning]

we emerged from youth all wide-eyed like the rest

I want to be a writer. That's all there has ever been for me. It is the only thing that can save me. Maybe one day I will be destroyed by it, but I am no good at a lot of things, but I am fantastic at writing, that will keep me going when I feel like the world is eating me up.
I am going to start something tomorrow.

I love you.

[The Weakerthans - Without Mythologies]

You're on the distant shore.

It was bound to happen one of these days. After being awesome for about three days, maybe two and a half cause yesterday afternoon was kind of sad, I am totally sucking today.

The end.

this is birth, and this is death, all in the same day

At work I moved a heck of a lot of dirt out of the store, cleaned up air conditioner puddles and mopped three times. It wasn't till the last lap with the mop that the bucket of water didn't look like it was 80% mud.

Andrea and I read out loud out of her boyfriends old English Anthology book, and then analyzed the writing. It was so incredibly fun. She was really into it too, but also really into Margaret Atwood, and I need a good cushion of time to think about Margaret Atwood, it's so harsh. That's not a bad quality, it's just that I need to process violence slower than I process easy things. It was a great deal of fun though.

My lip is completely unswolen, which is fantastic. However, now the barbell in it is too long and I keep catching it on my bottom teeth and therefore it hurts a bit. However. It's fantastic and I love it.

I need some cereal. I'm seriously lackin in cereal.

Also, because I am a loser who doesn't know my AM's from my PM's I don't actually get to register for classes until tomorrow at 9AM. Hurrah. At least I will mostly be home and will only miss a little bit of French. However, after waking at 7 today to prepare for work and clean before going off to work, I'm not too eager to stay up all night, and I think I might crash now.

I am going to try to keep track of everything I read as of now.

I'm a collector of nostalgia.

[Music: Stars - Celebration Guns]

clap your hands if you believe.

So I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bursting at my seams with excitement over moving away and going to school, but I would be lying also if I said I wasn't feeling any pangs of doom. However, the key in this whole thing, is that they are little pangs of doom. Not deep rooted foreboding storms of ultimate destruction. Just a little doom.

But I digress. I am terribly excited. I am hoping that the excitement dies down a little, [it hasn't so far,] because if I keep up this excitement level for the remaining days of summer I may actually burst.

Oh a completely un-related note. I feel the need to profess the insane infatuation type crush that I have on Jazz, also known as, Manufacturing. Granted whenever she writes I only understand 70% of what she writes, as it is all incredibly cryptic, but none the less, pretty much everything makes my insides freak out. I am done being mushy now. Also, I am incredibly frustrated because she lives in Portland and I do not, and also, Portland has an amazing book store. Futher more, while I have been to Portland, I only spent three hours there because my family is sometimes, though not often, lame.

Arg. That is all I have to say. Other than, I am reading about five million novels right now, and I want to read about 50 million. I've also watched a lot of fantastic movies lately.

Rushmore. Oh boy! Wes Anderson is AMAZING. I am going to rent Bottle Rocket tomorrow, because I am insane and I apparently do not plan on sleeping between now and next Saturday.

I have also, in the past week or so watched Say Anything, Pulp Fiction, The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, Velvet Goldmine, and something else... I know I watched something else.

I am listening to the Fem Bots. I bought their CD a couple weeks ago, and my last "uninfomed" purchase. I don't actually know what I was thinking at the time, but it seemed like a good idea. Luka talked about them a lot. I have not yet listened to it, but it seems like decent background music.

Sigur Ros is a fantastic summer rainstorm music.

Finally; I need to be less cynical, because being cynical and a hopeless romantic is a very confusing and disorienting practice.

[Music: The Fem Bots - Count Down Our Days]

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Here are some pictures of the new piercing. What do you think? Here it's kind of hidden. But notice the hat. It was a touque of Erik's when he was a baby and mom and I found it yesterday while cleaning out a dresser and I've been wearing it ever since.

Today, there was a film crew down the street. It was quite exciting. There were tonnes of trucks around, and for the first time in probably forever, the parking lot across the street was full on a sunday. This picture shows the actors trailers and the hair and make-up trailers. Aparently Josh Hartnet and Samuel L. Jackson were here for it. It was very weird though. There were people with headphones and cellphones and walkie talkies everywhere. Anyway. I took Boo! for a walk and someone said cute cat. Again, weird. Oh so exciting.