Whatever Happened to Us All?

Taurus ~ April 20-May 20

Taurus, you’ve been dealt a bad hand. No doubt about it, pal — shit is rough for you people right now. The loss or change that has been cruelly foisted upon you is triggering some anxiety as you struggle to get past it. We hope you know that you’ve got a ton of support available to you, so don’t alienate yourself from the world.

If this were any more true... I don't know. It's so accurate that I don't even really need to elaborate on my life these days.

But for those of you keeping track.

I had an anxiety attack.
The girl is gone. I am confused about this, but whatever, it still sucks though.
I have been put on antidepressants as an anti depressant/anti anxiety medication.
I feel sick all the time.
This weekdiscoveredered that I either have oral herpes, {no idea where that came from} or some weird other mouth infection that involves entiretrie mouth becoveredered in ulcers.
I had my birthday. Which was fun. I got the movie C.R.A.Z.Y. and I am very excited about watching it.
Melissa is quite ill. It's not cool.
Never before have I had such a strong desire to get drunk, and such a small desire to get out of bed in the morning.
I am going to become an "alternative" music expert.

The end. Feel free to ask questions.

Music: Martha Wainwright - Far Away

Hysteria.

It's been a long time since I've felt any desire to write anything. Anything. It's funny, how the more I have to write about,the less I feel like writing about it. My solution, I'm going to try to take more pictures.

Today was a glorious day off. Off from everything, almost. I was supposed to meet my boss at the store at an unspecified time so that I could babysit her kid, but that never happened and I spent most of the day waiting for her to call. Bah. However, I reorganized my art supplies. I'm hoping that this reorganization will involve less art supplies being on the floor, and more being put away. Possibly, more being used as well. I still have not tried my silk screen kit, so maybe that will be a fun Sunday project.

I should have worn my pretty black dress that I've been longing to wear today. It was really warm, and even though I was cleaning, it would have made me really happy to wear.

I almost went kite flying. I saw some kids flying a kite too, and I am very enthusiastic about my future out door activities.

Riding my bike, the crappy awesome one, not the hardcore downhill one, makes me feel like a fancy lady from the first half of the 20th century.

I have not seen my girlfriend in a while. Wednesday when she dropped me off at work and everything seemed awesome, even though it's a bad news week. [An aunt has cancer, and my father is losing his job once again.] And then nothing, and I'm not being paranoid, because life would suck if I were, but I left her a message last night, and being that I have no experience, I'm not sure how aloof I should be in such a situation. It's all really silly, and I'm not really up for the whole mind games relationship thing. All I really know, is if it's true,[which I don't think is possible] that boys think about sex on average, more than girls, boys must be thinking about it literally all the time. I do worry though when my mother asks where she is, what she's been up too.

I am trying to plan a kick ass birthday party, I am quite excited about it. I think that 19 will be the new 17, and that I will look back upon it with fond memories. Here's hoping.

Reading Michelle Tea fiction, Rose of No Mans Land, is a bit like reading James Frey memoirs. In that,I keep forgetting that it is in fact not a memoir and purely fiction, even though it reads exactly the same as all of her other books, especially Chelsea Whistle. I'm waiting for the girl on girl action to start while they share cigarettes in the dumpster behind the white trash mall. We'll see.

I have to work tomorrow. Work, on Saturday, has become painstakingly mind numbing. There is usually and hour or two of absolute insanity, we're talking demanding insolent customers who whip themselves into such a put out hysteria that we are forced to toss their change at them while they call the manager to complain. Tomorrow should be interesting since the girl I'm working with is notoriously rude, and I'm also working with the manager, who somehow has it in her head that she will not help customers, but rather she will do the ordering for the store. Oh boy. Tomorrow shall be a treat indeed.

So, I'm off to devour Michelle Tea fiction and attempt feebly to put the whole girlfriend issue out of my mind. Today it was fabulous outside, and there's only more to come.

Sunday is easter, which means chocolate and jelly beans, and bunnies.

Shattered.

I am torn between my love of sleeping past 11, and my love of the feeling of the early morning. Obviously, there's no way I can have both, so, when I have to get up I must find some way to enjoy the morning.

My life is a circus. I had one of those moments of uncontrollable laughing while trying to get a semi-hilarious story out. I was awoken this morning by Boo trying to claw her way up my wood-paneled walls to sit on the window ledge [my bedroom is in the basement, and therefore the windows are a good six feet off the ground.] She was hanging by her front paws on the windowsill with her hind legs windmilling wildly around. She put a nice tear in my Ikea puppy poster, and woke me up obcenely early, but what ever, it was a good laugh.

Other notable moments of the day include me getting a centimeter long sliver of wood stuck perpendicularly in my finger, and thus trying to remove it with my teeth. Note to self, rubbing alcohol is evil.

A regular came in today, the type of woman who only buys stuff of the sale colour and checks each item with us to insure that it is the proper colour. Melissa and I both ended up yelling at her, because we don't take nuthin from nobody!

At five minutes after five, and five minutes after Melissa should have been done, a roll of used flourescent light bulbs jumped out of their hiding place, fell on the ground, and proceded to explode everywhere. Oh. God. Help Me.

Otherwise, work was hard, and I don't think I got to sit down, and I was hoping for a low stress day, but alas, not going to happen.

I love making stuff though. It's fun. And I love cleaning. Last night I stayed up until 1:30 cleaning my workroom and my bathroom. It was so nice to wake up and have it clean. If only I could get a grasp on my bedroom...

Goodnight. I love you.

I love Michelle Tea:

"I only cared later when i was tripping on mushrooms and this girl Iris said, You know, I really loved that bike, I knew it was going to get stolen and I just loved it... Oh Iris, you should have. If any of you ever see me treating something badly, carelessly, you can take it. Honest, it's yours."

"How do you make a girl know she's beautiful? What is the system for that, what do you show her, how do you give her a new set of eyes and turn her face back to the mirror?"

"I felt like someone stuck some awful inflatable toy under my robs and pumped it big and puffy until all the lungs and skinny highways of veins and all the tender nameless organs got crushed up against my stomach. I felt like I was going to faint or puke or cry."

I don't know why I love her so much, but it's probably because she blew my world wide open.

In other news. I love spending weekends in strange cities with my girlfriend. Oh, the hijinks.

I'm tired, and going to bed, and I love you.