there's gonna be nice days, in the ice age.
Is it weird that my biggest problem is shows overlapping? I was worried because, while I am in Calgary, Armin Van Buren is going to be playing at Tantra, and Melissa and I are going. Also, while I am there, Rebekah Higgs from Halifax is playing at Broken City and I also have to go to that with my friend becky. Now, being that my organization skills are not stellar, I did not write down the dates to these things before I committed to both of them. So in a frenzied early morning moment, while lying in bed, I thought oh no! they're on the same day! But alas, after som savy web surfing I've determined that they are on Wednesday and Thursday, and that everything is okay in the world.
[I'm ignoring the fact that in perfect Halifax it's averaging plus 8ish, and in Calgary it's -30ish.]
Love, Kar.
post.
I just wanted to say that watching the Placebo "meds" video is EXACTLY the feeling caused by not taking ones meds. It's a terrible awful feeling. The End.
fear.
I just want to quickly note the events of the last five minutes.
I walk into the lounge and there is a small purple fish tank sitting on the shelf with a cute little Siamese fighting fish inside of it. What do I do?
"Oh MY GOD! A FISH!!!!" and burst into real actual tears.
Apparently Marion is fishsitting this weekend for one of the girls on our floor and oh my god, I hope it leaves the lounge soon, because I have no intentions of sharing a room with that monstrosity.
That is all, I am being awesome and productive this weekend. I am however, already a day behind in my plan, because I felt like napping all afternoon, silly girl.
My threadless shirt arrived and it is fantastic!
[Music: Cat Power - Cross Bones Style]
where does the time go?
Okay so, I spent most of the late morning and all of the afternoon working on web design things, and now all of a sudden it's four in the afternoon and I have not actually started any of the things I needed to do. yikes. What am I to do. If anyone knows know to put time on hold, that would be incredibly useful right now. Anyone thinking if suggesting that I should, instead of blogging about it, be working on this work I need to do, shush. I know my weaknesses.
So, I'm eating M&M's and listening to the Stolen Minks and rocking out with my laptop sitting on my window sill and it is breathing in the cool air and I am hoping that it won't have a nervous breakdown before I finish this mound of stuff sitting around me.
The hard part is that it is discouraging. No matter how hard I work, or how amazing I think my writing is, I still get lower grades simply on principle. Plus, I don't know what to write about for my English essay. But I think once I start it will be fun. Or as fun as an English compare and contrast essay can be.
[Music: The Stolen Minks - (!-!)]
Declarations:
Short term goals:
Finish assignments/reading/studying.
Go to Montreal
Plan Christmas
Apply to write for Coke Machine Glow
Long Term Goals:
Finish university.
Go to Africa...Etc.
Have a studio, containing a kiln, and a drum set.
Live happily.
I think this is manageable. Yes? Life is a bit nuts right now. My teeth are stressing me out. School is kind of stressing me out, but I've given up being perfect and really, simply doing the work is enough for me. It's sad, but true.
I am having a fabulous time, and I think everything I originally thought about Halifax remains true, except maybe, I found love when I was not looking for it, and that is the best way for these types of things to happen.
Dance party tomorrow evening. Tomorrow, test to be written, assignments to be handed in and Amelie to be watched on the big screen.
Life is ab-fab.
Adventures in Parallel Universes.
We were lying in bed, shy, silent, gazing at each other from the corners of our eyes. I knew what she was thinking, because I knew what I was thinking. I take great comfort in the fact that we are almost always thinking the same thoughts.
"Question: If you wanted to kiss me, would you? Or would you just think about it?" I asked her, after thinking for a good ten minutes about kissing her, thinking it would quickly become unbearable.
It wasn't long before we were lip locked, fingers entangled and the blankets between us quickly pushed away.
This place of easy peace I never imagined, never dared to consider possible. I want to declaire things here, write them down, commit to things in writing so I remember them, yet I am hesitant, the outside world is hesitant, cautionary and withdrawn, they don't understand this place I've found in this world.
I feel as if I stepped off the plane in September and instead of landing in Halifax I landed in a parallel universe of Halifax, the weather is warm and tropical, I pound the street in my prettiest dress bare arms reaching out for the world that I was always so hesitant to be immersed in. I want to be fully alive, live each and every day as altruistically, and at the same time selfishly, a "in helping others you also help yourself" idea. I think this future of mine will be superlative.
I think I need to map out some goals for myself, cause while, living day to day is an excellent way to be, I also find that there are some heaving gaps in my life, some absences that are causing self disappointment. I am not making art. I feel lame,limp and unexpressed. I need to change this "I am not worthy" idea I've developed in regards to my art. I can be an artist any way I choose, I can be a writer, musician, visual artist, photographer and structure creator. I can be all at once, and sometimes none. I just need to figure out how to be.
I need goals, maps of future houses, this is what I need my life to be like in the future to carry on this sublime existence I have fallen so precariously into.
When pieced together I realize that this life I have now is nothing more than a series of chance events that connected me to others, to situations and events that have lead to my euphoric sense of happiness, of purpose and love. This soul mate that I have found is that person, that one single person whom one is meant to find and spend their lives with, and if one single aspect of my past had been altered, I would not have found her, and the thought of that terrifies me.
But it's time to tuck myself into bed, with sweet dreams of tomorrow's intended productivity, of falling asleep curled comfortably in her bed tomorrow evening. This is a great living I've created for myself, that has both fallen into my hands and been worked for for two decades.
I love you universe, you've done good work.
Fleeting glimpse of humanity.
Tonight while I was walking there was a pigeon flopping on the ground and I was sad and somewhat sickened. I watched from across the intersection as a man nudged it with his boot away from the street. After a moment he picked it up and held it while it calmed down and he placed it in the warm spot underneath his coat and waited at the corner,illuminated by the street lights. The bird safe and warm eventually died and I watched the pair of them, and it was amazing. The guy held it under his coat and just stood there trying to make the poor creature feel okay in the last moments it had on this street corner.
The Only Meaning of the Oil Wet Water
Low-Flying, Quick-Moving Clouds: I haven't long to live.
Treetops, Rounded And Rough: That's probably true.
Low-Flying, Quick-Moving Clouds: I won't even make it to the sea. I can already see where I end.
Treetops, Rounded and Rough: I don't know what to tell you.
Low-Flying, Quick-Moving Clouds: But the thing is, I really love moving like this, though I know I won't even make it.
Treetops, Rounded and Rough:There are advantages to flight.
Low-Flying, Quick-Moving Clouds:But thought is its unfitting companion.
-Dave Eggers: How We Are Hungry
.
i've been swept away.
I haven't been writing lately, which is kind of tragic, life is so sublime these days. I feel like these are the days that will define who I am when I am elderly. I feel like, as trivial as it is, I need to record every minute of this divine existence.
Yet, when I go to write, I lose my word, I stumble over the indeterminate nature of these feelings I have.
All I can say is that I want to dance around the moon and back. I want to be with this girl I have been fortunate to have found, as completely incredible, and implausible as such an even may have appeared.
I feel so comfortable, safe and secure. I don't feel threatened, pressured insecure or crazy when I am around her. These feelings seep into the real world, the one I exist in when she is not around, and I feel confident that I am on the right track, finally in my life.
Logic suggests that I shouldn't feel this way, I should be conflicted and neurotic, closely guarding my scared heart. I know that I should feel insecure, and in past relationships, I've felt threatened, but I feel none of this now, and I push it out of my mind. The only worries we have are those of outside influence, parents are wary and unsure, wanting only the best for their girls. They don't know us yet, and in time, they will come to love us.
This girl is fabulous and miraculous, she inspires me like none other, supports me in my wildest endeavors. She uses words in ways none other has before, she drinks tea and tells me about fairies. We stay up to the wee hours of the morning sharing secrets and fears, histories and hopes for the future.
We are redefining the laws of relation, the usual romantic games don't apply to our world. We are re-writing the history books.
In other news, this evening I bought boots, which means, my mother will be happy. I must admit I was pretty pleased with myself. The sales lady called me honey, it was the first time I was not anxious while shopping.
The world is amazing and I am in love with the mysterious universal pull that ushered me enthusiastically into this new world.
Music: Arlene Bishop - 98 Points Water
what? what? what?
I have not been writing much lately. Life has been busy, I am experiencing new things and new places and new challenges. You would be so proud of me. My parents call, one each night, and I am getting a bit overwhelmed.
School, is funny. I am forgetting how to think for myself, or realizing it's been a long time since I thought for myself, on a topic other than myself.
I am tired, and I sleep a lot, but, I don't thinkg it's a cause for worry.
I am having fun, making new friends, forming new relationships, and spending more time not at home than at home.
Last night I attended a grown up concert. It was fun, and I miss the way I thought about things when attending shows for the grade 12 project. I wish I could think of some sort of thesis to turn all of that work into.
Anyway, I am yet again blogging as an act of procrastination. I think I am going to go have a mini nap.
heavy hearted, heavy handed, all this heaviness.
I was recklessly tumbling around my past this evening. Why do I always need to burn bridges and run away? I fell in to the blog Keeler, first girlfriend, first romantic heartbreak. I immediately found my way to the entries from our shared moments together; I didn't remember it like that. The weird mindfucking quality of my late night actions astound me and I don't know why I do these things. Ironically, ex-girlfriend number three called me masochistic when we broke up, and in the spirit of proving her wrong, I keep walking through old habits.
They don't matter anymore though, and I wish I could start over with this new life, in this new city, and love like I was able as a child. Hands and feet bound, blindfolded, jumping out of tenth storey windows hoping to fly. Thinking not of the eventual consequences, without reservation, there is no damage made.
but what are my intentions with this?
Scalding showers at three a.m. are ineffective attempts to calm my happily unsettled mind and clean and soft from the shower I play punk rock pirate dress up and wear the red and white stripped underwear outside of my ridiculous skull and cross bones leggings. Black knit arm socks and bare feet, the crazy illuminated in the teased hair, unkempt yet squeaky as I run my hands through it. I will look like a disaster in the morning, but tonight I am a character and I create my own story book, Gillian had her pigs, the princess her paper bag, my feet stick to coins as the soles darken with unknown dirt and I wonder if I will ever find rest in my restless head. This is my reality, frosted with fiction and imagination. I am slowly learning to be an adult, but I am running away from the day I go to bed at sensible hours and a cease to be, at heart, five years old. I shouldn't write after midnight, but life is too perfect and transient. It needs to be documented in precise moments.
I'll make lists and stack books and hang towels and fold clothes, and when I wake up I will be active, organized and adult, but I'll probably still wear the punk rock underwear under my jeans and smile as I skip around Halifax they'll never know my secret.
Esoteric
I think from now on, forget any of the regular terms to describe the being that I am. I am not a woman, a dyke, lesbian, gay, student, daugther, partner, lover, friend, sister, cousin or girl.
I am Esoteric.
Forget the meaning of the word esoteric, though in certain contexts it's fitting. Simply use the word to mean the being that is Karyn, I am Esoteric.
[Post script. I am also crazy, irrational, reactional, obsessive, and thousands of other words, but I love to be esoteric, though take what I say as a mixed message obsucred by reality and the tousands of molecules between me and you.]
"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. "
I am sure that I could spin a magnificent story of my existence at this moment, however my head is reeling and my heart is beating and my emotions are all whipped up, but still strong and happy. I am on the brink of a incidiary existence.
As a completely unrelated side note, take that Mr. Burnette you didn't kill my ambitions: My first two offically published articles. Great Lake Swimmers for HPX and John Mighton in my new Hero.
i did a lot of thinking today
I am beginning to think this blog is a cry for attention. I don't really post anything fascinating on here, I don't really talk about anything relevant to anyone outside of myself. I am also realizing that any thing I do, usually it's a cry for attention. My desire to attain excellence in life is just a way to get noticed. Look at me, I'm super fabulous and you should love me.
Also, further irrelevant rambles. I did nothing today. I woke up to a flashing alarm clock at 10:30 and rolled over to sleep until two. Why do I do this? I then sat around for a while, watched about an hour of online movie trailers and went to buy Final Fantasy concert tickets. At which point, I figured an adventure to the shopping center would be a good idea. I wandered by myself, tried on boots, picked through the wooly hats and climbed back on to the bus after spending a mere two dollars. I nearly bought new winter boots, my old ones look and smell like they've been living in a swamp, but the bright red airwalks seemed to be trying a little too hard.
Alas, the evening was spent with the family in front of the tv. It's sickening, yet comical. Peter, rambing in italian, Marion, diving into her bulging sack of candy, and I with my laptop. I hope I don't watch much tomorrow. I finally left when the channel consensus landed on NewsWorld. I refuse to watch the news. It's the one shred of personal value I have left. [not really true]
|
|
