"...Usually I go off at house parties with the old Roger Rabbit."*

I love the Hidden Cameras.

I went to elementary and high school with the Adele, I was in the Adele & Donna fan club in High school. I love crafting, and would much rather craft on a Saturday night.

That being said...:

Come, have fun, get drunk, make out. That's pretty much what I did, minus the get drunk bit. Wednesday is India Rock Dance night. I've been telling anyone who will listen to me talk of this fabulousness. I don't dance very enthusiastically, but I adore watching people dance, and I think that the Dance Mofo DJ's might have just bumped Parking's DJ Mini in my favorite DJ's list. They actually play music I like, [Unlike the utter crap being played at Twisted.] I think Broken City has also bumped the ironwood as my favorite Calgary music venue. It's amazing what experience does.

Which spills nicely into my Friday night activity of this past week: You Say Party! We Say Die! He!She!You!Me!You!They!We!Us!OK! is pretty much the bitchinest song ever. That's the only way I can describe it, it's a feel it in your stomach kind of song. I'm all for this small intimate venue thing where ones friends [and yes, I may have been involved] can dance on stage among the band. Oh boy. It was fantastically fucking fun. I love how the more I want to emphasize the fantastic quality of something, the more I swear.

My girlfriend is a rockstar. I adore her.

Events from the weekend not mentioned in the FFWD:

Thursday spent on my couch watching delicious lesbian cinematography, and horrific childhood dance videos [thank god my parents never owned a video camera, life could be a lot more embarrassing.]
Thursday evening spent in my bed.

Saturday afternoon art watching and ice skating. The Epcore centre is my favorite building in the city.

Sunday I spent sleeping in the car, and then putting one foot in front of the other in order to get the outdoorsieness over with asap.

Today was spent trying to justify the fucking wall of galvanized steel keeping me inside and everyone else out.

Uncertainty.

I was going to make a post about all the music I've been listening too, but instead, I'll make a mix tape track list with details as to why I adore these songs... mostly it's .05 seconds of a song where it sounds extra special. You'll have to wait a little while though, cause life is a circus, and I have not made a list in a while, so things are really not getting done.

On the up side however, I got my Dal info today, the official congrats letter. I've been really excited all day.

On the down side, I am feeling extremely antisocial lately, Saturday night mostly ruined being social for me. I like sitting around listening to people talk, so listening to good music, or just being quiet, and Saturday was about the old sweaty drunk gay men because way too close to me, and bad Mamma's and the Papa's remixes.

I don't know how I feel about the progression of anything and I hate to give up because I am feeling like being by myself, because I hate being by myself, but sometimes I just don't know what to say, and I just don't know who I am, and I'm afraid that I have spent so much time tying to be open minded that I don't actually have any opinions.

I am going to be proactive by taking a little break from the relationship thing, [we spent the entire weekend together, and it was fabulous, but I don't like trusting people and I don't like loving people. People are volatile. Even though she makes me grin, even while I'm being felt up by old gay men and she's singing along to Justin Timberlake, or because of this, I am not sure I want to let myself go around her. There is a big filter in my head that says "Don't get too personal" so I say things that don't really matter and I don't say the things that really matter. Point being, I need to talk to her, but I need a couple of days to make sure that I'm okay with progression. Also, I'm beginning to be slightly annoyed with her always expecting to pay for things, it's nice sometimes, but she's already driving me places, and I feel like there isn't a whole lot of supporting on my part, and I don't like that, as I am all kinds of independent.

About the school thing; I don't know. My father is very over enthusiastic about over thinking everything. I need to be left alone to do things by myself. I want to get everything in line for Dal by Friday, or at the very latest next Friday [because I have a wicked schedule this week, involving lots of early morning house work being done.]and I want to have everything sorted out and organized by then, so I can spend the next couple of months simply enjoying my last days in this mind set. It's a glorious mind set to have, I know that I'll never feel sense of non-responsibility again.

There will be another post about my actual activities of late.

He!She!You!Me!They!We!Us!OK

I have not been saying much lately, because I don't know what I think. Actually, I do know, most of the time, I just don't want you to know. I'm not dealing with a few things terribly well. I'm not coping with the fact that I have a past and no matter how completely opposite I feel 95% of the time, there is still 5% of my that wants to die. I don't know if you've ever wanted to kill yourself, but five percent is a lot.

I made a feeble attempt to drown the above in alcohol last night, which was promptly abandoned when Sudden Infant Dance Syndrome, and Laser Snake {What!!} started playing and my friends started dancing / violently thrashing around, and You Say Party, We say Die started being awesome!

In other news, I'm not dealing with the university thing very well. I've been officially accepted at Mount Allison, and I've got mail almost every day since they accepted me. However, I've only heard from the registrar's office via phone that I've been accepted at Dal, and I've got no mail. Logically, I'm not doing anything about this. I just want to accept the offer from Dal, and start paying tuition and sign up for Residence.

I'm planning a trip that I cannot afford, but I will take anyway, to Montreal the last week of July for Pride Week and The Gay Olympics, is anyone else in?

My birthday shall be highlighted this year by the Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab concert on April 26th! Boo-yeah!

Love,

p.s. I am really much more okay that I sounded in the first paragraph. There was a time when I was 95% wanting to kill myself, and 5% okay, so it's phenomenally better than that.

The weather and my immune system may be telling me to slow down. It snowed this evening, which is fabulous because if there is snow, there is ice, and ice means ice skating. It's teachers convention weekend, which means the girlfriend does not have school until tuesday. I don't know what that means, but I'm hoping I will get to see a lot of her, because I adore her. I am falling very, very hard and very, very fast for her. We are having great adventures.

Tomorrow I am quite excited about, and I hope that my current zombie mode [which is in cahoots with the mothership is conspiring against me to prevent me from my own little indie rock, rocking out,] does not develop into full blown sick mode, because I want to go to Melissa's house tomorrow and see her disco ball and gold entry way.

Which means, it's ginger tea and blankie time.

Love.

Activists never blow things up even though they want to, because their hearts are too big and tender.*

I feel like I can pause the productivity for a bit. I've been working all morning trying to catch up on stuff. I have all of my Mount Allison Supporting Documents enveloped, addressed and awaiting sufficient postage. I redesigned my father's invoice. Ordered a Paste Magazine subscription, bought This Is Wonderland S1 on DVD and two Michelle Tea books, Valencia and The Beautiful, [two books I highly recommend if you have an open mind, if you think it's too much, then it is.]

I still have to go to the bank to pay back my father's credit card debt, cash a check I received for doing nearly nothing, clean the bedroom and bathroom, both look as if all the shelves have been emptied and the contents just dumped on the floor. I was going to go see Transamerica today, but I might just be too lazy, but I think I probably should go, redeem my "weekend."

In other news, I'm having a fabulous time discovering who I am, and why all attempted attractions to boys were futile, and how glad I am that they never worked out. I'm having a very fantastic time with this.

If you want to be shocked slash informed, check this out, passed on from Tyler: Girl Fuck [NOT WORK SAFE!]

Also, last night me and the family went out for dinner and I chipped slash cracked my front tooth on my fork and oh boy does it hurt! I think I might be more accident prone than I thought. It was also around this time that my father decided to be obnoxious and started calling cigarettes fags, while the table next to us contained four boys who were obviously dating each other. At which point I retorted with "And a dyke is a wall." My brother turned an interesting shade of pink. Poor kid.

I have also recently learned that I can get away with almost anything. I bring my girlfriend home at one thirty in the morning, meet my mother, say, "Hi mom, we're just gonna hang out for a bit." to which my mother more or less replies, "Okay, I'm going to bed!" Like seriously, WHAT? Nothing further was said, other than, "When did your friend go home last night?"

I love Boo!

I'm off to be semi-productive!

Love.

* From The Passionate Mistakes and Intricate Corruption of One Girl In America by Michelle Tea.

See, I told you, who was who, and gave you a world view.

I spent the last five minutes listening to Apostle of Hustle [which I bought on a whim last summer and I still adore.] trying to decide if I care that my room is messy, and how if I clean, it will still be messy tomorrow.

A lot of things have been happening, around me and to me lately. I've been going out and having fun, being gregarious, adoring a girl, dancing, music absorbing, venting, ranting, crying, etc. etc.

Today, I went and bought a plunger for work, and Melissa flooded the toilet with her noodles. I peeled of half the skin and a considerable part of my finger nail in two unrelated utility knife accidents, neither, fantastically, involved blood!

I went to the Dalhousie info night this morning, and pending any unforeseen issues I shall be living in Halifax next year. I asked about homophobia, which is pretty much the only aspect of living in Halifax that has bothered me, and the guy I asked said "There isn't any." which I don't entirely believe, because people are people, but I take that to mean good things. He had some evidence to back up that claim as well. So, it's all good.

It's all good.

My visit to the doctor this morning involved the sentance; "I know it's not much fun to lick rubber, but it's a pretty good idea." That was my doctor trying to give me safe sex tips. It was funny, because he said, "Plastic food wrap works good too." Oh man. We also had a lengthy discussion about possible future pregnancy's, [yeah, I basically just sat there and listened to him talk about these female couples he knows who are trying to have kids.] I think my doctor is fantastic, but I only went in for an asthma perscription. I left with the safe sex talk, the don't do drugs talk, and the mental illness prevention talk. It was quite entertaining. I couldn't keep a straight face for the dental dam bit though. Really, I'm a peverted teenager at heart.

I'm going to go watch Cat Power sing in the forest.

"Lived in bars,
and danced on tables,
hotels trains and ship that sail,
swim with sharks and fly with aeroplanes out of here.
Out of here." - Cat Power - Lived In Bars

Have you got living proof?

I have sat in front of my computer for the better part of the day trying to pound an essay out of nothing. I just decided to give the Bell Scholarhip committee my coming out story. SOund good? I think so. If it's the kind of place that would discriminate against me because of it, then I don't want to be there anyway.

More later.

Love.

I would like the state on the record that today was a good, non stress day at work. When I say non stress, I mean that I wasn't stressed to tears.[I do mean that literally.]

I would also like to point out that I'm mentioned over at Tasty Human Meat, under the hourly comic, by my awesome friend Tyler in his fantastic cartoon. I don't advertise for him nearly enough.

Also, the front bit of my quilt is officially finished, it took three and a half years... yes that's right. So, I have to go cheerlead while she starts on the back, which I hope, takes considerably less time.

Over and Out.

Oh! Man.

Prologue: So, uhhuh, yeah.

I have no idea what to say, because all week has been pretty much, yeah. What?! The end.

Epilogue: I'm considering the week to be everything from January 24th until Now to be the past week. Oh! man.

The End.

Cat Power - Willie