I told him. The world didn't come to a crashing halt. Amazing. I think my heart did for a while though. It's all good. He feels sorry for me. Which isn't so good, but I guess that's life. He called it bad news... I suppose he was right.

Thanks everyone. You are all amazing.

Is it weird that I have dreams and the keys on the typewriter and the traditional ABC type and not the QWERTY type?

Is is weird that I want to be a bike messenger?

Is it weird that the normal things that everyone generally fears as a group, I couldn't really be bothered to notice?

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. I have no plans, at all. Actually everything past 1PM tomorrow is uncharted territory.

Actually, that's not entirely true, I plan to watch spirited away about 10 more times. It's my new favorite animated film ever. It's so pretty and amazing and go watch it now, or maybe yesterday.

Jessica is home, and it makes me really happy that she is all safe and stuff. I'm sick and for the last few days, since last Thursday actually I've been blowing my nose and drinking oregano tea and watching day time television. Does this not suck a lot? On my holiday and everything. Anyway, mom has gone completely insane and threw out all of our cold medicine, tylanol included, because someone somewhere got tylanol poisoning. Whatever.

Goodnight,
and thank you everyone who told me to breathe.

So, as I said, I got magnetic poetry for Christmas, and my mother also bought me a cookie sheet to stick the words too. They all seem so odd out of context. I was feeling bored so this is what I came up with. I still don't really know what to say.

picture of the moment

singing sweet visions of
rose rains and fingers
she is our girl
and her bitter love
and sordid beauty
she is the gift of eternity
to live a frantic life
with her blue boy
an acheing
repulsive worship of blood
and delicate skin
delirious screams
to a whisper
there is no sea or sky
to trudge through
so leave the road behind
take her to soar
above sleep over a symphony
they heave beneath
the flood of music
as it will crush them.

Merry Christmas everyone! And if you don't celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays!

Also, so so so much love to everyone!

[Post script]

Sorry I'm so silent these days. I got magnetic poetry for Christmas so that is likely to be substituted by bad poetry.

Who said that being a dyslexic and trying to navigate the Dewey decimal system was a good idea?

This are getting chaotic. I don't think it's the good way. I think it's in the everyone is too tired to protest the chaos way. Things are getting busy for Christmas, busier than Christmas usually is. I still have some shopping to do, and I will break tradition and serious oath to buy something for Erik, at a *gasps* mall. I think he'll like it though so I guess that makes things ok.

It turns out that we are having guests for Christmas. During Christmas. On Tuesday my Aunt Marilyn is flying out, and I almost expect Grandma to be hospitalized from the stress of it all. I'm excited about having her come, but I don't really know what to think. It is going to make things so very weird. Things change so fast without asking anyone permission.
Linda is coming out from Edmonton and is staying in our house on Christmas Eve. This has never happened before. She's really nice, but I am not myself when I'm around her, and I'm hoping that I won't have to be totally introverted over the holidays.

Mom is freaking out, and I expect she will soon progress to a full on murderous rampage. Meanwhile I am listing to Joni Mitchell and Simon and Garfunkle and completing homework.

I think I need a nap, which is ridiculous, seeing as I got 11 hours of sleep last night and I've only been up for 4 hours. We'll see how things progress.

On the up side I'm happy again. In the tired "oh my god I need to stop doing all of this soon" way. Which is better than nothing.

"We should put all the fags on an island and bomb it."

That's what made me cry today, not that actually, but the agreements I heard. Terrible. Atrocious. Those words are on film and will be forever passed on to class after class after class of students. I don't see how that's helping. It's just hurting people.

Last night I thought of a great metaphor. I totally forget what it's a metaphor for. I think a lot while trying to fall asleep, and then I forget everything in the morning. Maybe I'm brilliant at night and then in the morning I've forgotten it all. I wonder how many thoughts are fleeting like that.

Today, I got a wonderful spectacular mixed cd from Brenna. I've been listening to it all afternoon. I also got a mysterious package from Fredericton, which I can only assume is from Nicole. Thank you! I LOVE getting mail.

I'm off to this years edition of the party that was the spawn of "Solstice." I won't be alone this year though. And I have my camera, and so you might get a real glimpse.

My goal is to finish my homework by Sunday night, and then I can just lay about the place for the rest of the holiday. We'll see. I spent this afternoon cleaning, and so I'm on the right track.

Love to all.

and... Happy Whatever you celebrate!

Sorry guys, I had to.


Patrick


Which 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't want to do this anymore. I have no faith. I have no hope. I have nothing left to cling to.

I'm trying to decided if everyone else is just mad, and I'm the sane one.

Everything feels bigger than me, and I can't do anything deal with it. I can't cope and I hate feeling like this.

I have a lousy taste in most people. I shouldn't be so involved in humanity. I shouldn't try to save every broken person. I can only save one person at a time and I'm giving up on most of you. Sorry.

Sometimes I want to stand in the middle of a public place. Like the food court at the nearby mall, or out in Olympic Plaza and just scream. I was to yell about everything until someone comes and sticks valium in my veins and removes me from society.

Oh and Nico, how dare you?

I spent the early part of the morning, about the first six hours of the day contemplating the various ways to kill myself. At 8 I gave up and just went to the hospital. I'm not suicidal. My uterus is fucked up and there is no better way to put it. Now I have an actual medical reason to complain, and my doctor told me to shout as much as I wanted, because I've earned it. Both mom and dad stated that Mom never when though so much pain while giving birth. Now I'm nicely drugged up, codeine is wonderful. So very wonderful.

I don't plan on being particularly articulate right now. I have free time and I believe I will use it to watch previously recorded but never got around to watching television shows. Reading my wonderful book about drugs and drag queens and sleeping.

I have the house to myself. It's been weeks!

Support your local Rainbow.

Tonight:

- Grandmothers. 1920's jewelry. books. Legwarmer.

- Mall. Old Navy. $5 soccer balls for the kids. Twenty of them. Frozen fingers frozen minds.

- Home. Call back. Acceptance. Joined the employed percentage. Celebratory doughnut. Cousin's love. Fan Mail.

- Remember, Support your local Rainbow.

- Love.

Just to, you know, overload your internet capabilities:

 

 

 

 

Today in CALM, we have the worst substitute teacher ever. I really wish Ms. Bennett would get better soon, or stop missing class or something. This one is really terrible, she is one of those new age 50+ women spewing love and generosity with a penchant for anything neurology. The class has run amok, and in the short distance it took to walk from the class room to the library, half of them managed to get lost. Now, we are working on our career assignments which she won't let us do because she is scared of technology. Man... They've really done it this time.

So...

Are you pro-robot or pro-monkey?

Guess who's got a totally newie camer-a! *sings to the tune of "I have got a lovely bunch of coconuts" while skipping around the kitchen*

That's right! I'm now the proud new owner of my very own digital camera! I've waited far too long for this. That only makes it so much better. Expect totally wonderful photos soon. Tomorrow maybe. Anyway I aspire to be this guy.

I also saw many wonderful people on the train and in Kensington and downtown. I saw one particularly wonderful person, the coincidence is amazing! I also talked to all the "crazes" on the train and worried my brother. Mostly because when the crazies ask I tell them I'm taking "women's studies" or "poly sci" or something involve Buddhists at the UofC. It's fun. Erik marvels at my ability to completely lie through my teeth. Ah well. At least I'm not being stalked or anything.

I am reckless in the early morning hours. I give away my secrets to the suffragettes on the sidelines of my life. I give away my insides, my liver, my kidneys, my heart, even my brain to the nations waiting in the wings. I'm tired and I feel like I need my organs back, just as much as I need my secrets back. They don't mean anything to you, why do you need them. I need them for life, for living.

I am euphoric. I am overjoyed, I am elated, I am blissful, I am thrilled, I am in rapture. I can't tell you why though. I can only tell you that I've been incredibly happy for the last little while, bouncing through the hallways, singing in my head and dancing along to the music. People have been asking me what I've taken and I reply "I wish I could tell you" or "I really don't know" I've never been this happy for so long. It's usually only lasted for a few hours at best, but now it seems as if I am eternally happy.

Yesterday I almost got hit by an blind idiot in an SUV. I won't go into details but even though it scared me, a lot, I was still happy. Today, I burnt my fingers on my tea cup but that didn't have any effect on my mood. I've calmed down a bit, and I'm no longer bouncing and I'm yawning a lot, but I'm happy. Inside and outside.

I am happy maniac and I am having a good time.

Today I said that I am like a growing foot, and the shoe I'm in is too small. Not particularly romantic, or brilliant, or anything, but it works.

"The more elaborate out means of communication, the less we communicate."
Joseph Priestley

I watched a documentary on the drug habit in downtown Vancouver. It makes me want to do so much. First of all, scream. Then do something productive. Like do something for someone who really needs it. I keep dancing around the safe things and I'm sick of it. I want to volunteer with a soup kitchen or visit lonely old people in the nursing home, or go down on the streets and hand out chocolate bars.

Do you ever feel like you don't know how to feel so you just overcompensate on both ends of the emotional spectrum. That's happening to me tonight. It's hard when I schedule things and then my plans fall through. I'm sure it worked out for the best, but still I was excited.

As proof that I am the coolest teenager to ever walk this earth:

I built a fort out of blankets and climbing cord on Saturday. It was really quite brilliant. I got to sleep in it last night, and for the remaining nights until my mother throws a fit and tells me to take it down. Last night I fell asleep to the smell of laundry soap, which was wonderful. I used to nap in the laundry basket(full of clean clothing, of course) when I was small enough to fit. I miss that. So yes, I bet you that I'm the only 16 year old with a bed sheet tent. It's fun, you should try it.

Friday I will be at the Bed-In for Toys at Market Mall. If you would like to donate to the United way in the form of a new unwrapped toy feel free to drop it off! Volunteerism is fun!

"... Photographers, whose compulsive need for perfection alone would render them suitable only as drill sergeants in another life." I wonder if I have that compulsive perfection thing. I always thought I was too cheap to pay for crap photos but maybe it's true.

I wrote the poem I posted earlier while sitting in my tent the other night. It started as a memory and the desire to put it to words, make it something others can see too. I tried so many times to express it other ways, photography [the lighting was never right] Painting, [the lines were always too obscure] nothing worked. Last night I tried with words. It began as an essay and morphed into the three page run on sentence that it is today. I would add the last line and then realize that I missed something and I would add a stanza or two and then the last line again but it wasn't complete. Even while typing up my final copy I was still making changes, cropping out bits, adding a line, changing a word, reversing the order or a comment. It was easy though and in the end I think I did it. I think I really made my memory into something that other people can have. I've made a picture with words.