I've heard too many stories lately where mothers abandon their sick babies.

I have officially resigned, I have two weeks.

We have sold the pool table.

I have too much stuff to do.

I am a brave/stupid big/little girl who really wants to change the world and make a difference.

The other day, I was sitting in the hallway, as I usually sit in the hallway. One of the teachers was conducting little one on one meetings with her students. One of the students said that she wasn't doing so well lately because it's really hard being a lesbian in highschool. [Details as to which teacher and which student will go with me to my grave.] What the teacher said to her will probably have the most magnificient indirect effect on the way I view the rest of the school year.

She said: I know how hard it is, believe me, but you can't let it affect how you get through highschool. All of those people who make it hard for you, they just want you to fail, it's all a game to them, and if you let them get to you then they have won. But if you just stick it out everything will be so much better once you are out of highschool. All you have to do is finish, then you've won.

I probably started shaking right after I heard that, because even though I was probably not supposed to hear any of their conversation, I did, and it has changed everything. I understand it now, I understand that yes it's incredibly hard to go to class everyday with kids who don't know who you are because if they knew they would probably kill you. To talk to people about your boyfriend who doesn't really exist, or that boy everyone else thinks is cute and you couldn't really care. I know how hard that is too, and now I know that as soon as I get out, and the better I do, the more I've won, than all that will be over, at least on the large all encompassing form it exists as in highschools.

But it also made me realise why I needed to return to my school this year, rather than going to Alternative. I couldn't make a visible difference at Alternative, I couldn't make any changes that really mattered because everyone changed things. But I can change things for a minority who really desperately needs things to be changed. So, I want to have a GLBTQ (gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered/queer)recognition day, because if we can have a recognition of every religious or ethnic holiday, we should be able to have a holiday for us too. My long term goal is to have a GSA, because I believe that if there had been one in place when I started Highschool things would have been radically easier. If at the very least, for one day, we cause everyone to think before they mindlessly utter the phrase "that's so gay" than it will be a success.

So yes, on with the homework, and the catching up and all that stuff I promised myself that I would indeed do.

It is one-thirty PM, and I was awaken by my neighbour walking around my kitchen. Dude... this sucks, but anyway. I suppose if I am to get to the craft fair by 3 than I should probably modify my plans. I also feel as if I have an ulcer in my stomach. It doesn't feel too good, which is to day, whenever I eat I get stabbing pain shooting through the middle of my stomach right under my solarplexis. But I can't deal with that right now.

More later.

Larger update later. But for now, the plan is to go immediately to bed, sleep as long as humanly possible, shower, then get as much work done as humanly possible. Sounds good,Yes?

Also, I think I'm getting those valuble teenage experiances adults talks about with starryy eyes.

And by the way, my bedroom looks like a clothing factory and a santa clause's work shop exploded in a messy accident involving a bunch of CD's and beads.

Things are going reasonably well these days. I'm far too busy to mull over the atrosities that my life revolves around. Drama stuff is going excellent. I'm really pleased with how everything is turning out.

I got home tonight and wrote an essay about the Treaty of Versailles and World War One. Yes, that is totally something I will use later in life. I have just now remembered that I have a unit final tomorrow, on politics. oh. dear. god. I may have to tap into some of that candy I recieved this evening and stay up another hour.

Tomorrow will be full, as will Saturday and Sunday. I'm really having a good time though, and I really like quite a few of the people on my crew and on other crews. Opening night cards are better than Halloween.

Today I got a package from the best girl ever whom I love dearly, who sends me CD's and books and odds&ends, and I adore all of it Jess(of you're reading this. Thank you SO much.)

Off to hit the political books.

Home is not a happy place.

Happy Accident.

It's never a good day when you wake up to your father swearing at you, and then promptly start crying.

I am a fuck-up.
The depression is back.
I destroy things.

Good weekend, and bad weekend. Good day, and bad day.
Today I woke up super early with cramps, dragged my sorry body off to the grocery store, bought some smarties, and chocolate and Tayo. I got a hot chocolate out of the deal though. Which made it good.

I'm making a huge ammount of cookies right now. After, I am going to watch Angels in America. I get to lay around all weekend and nobody cares.

I feel as if I've been crying for years.

Life is significantly better lately.
I am living in the moment, instead of freaking out over the future.
Two nights in a row now I've had the crying dreams. Where I'm hysterically crying in my dreams and then when I wake up I'm covered in tears and sobbing. There's got to be a reason for this. You know, other than the obvious, I am overly emotional.

In the spirit of living in the moment: I am not going to science today.

I don't know why I am the only one who cannot cope. Fifth consecutive night of crying over homework. I don't feel like I have a personality and my only emotions are mock-happy sad and empty. It's easy to fall into old routines. I basically have to quit my job. This doesn't really bother me all that much, except that I'll probably never talk to some nice people again. And I probably won't ever leave the house again.
All I seem to be doing lately is crying or complaining or thinking of how stressed out I am. I think it's time to take a little break from writing it all down. It's not getting anyone anywhere. But I'm okay. I'll be back sometime.

i feel as if
all the aspects of my life
are playing suicide games and
it's up to me to stop it
while everyone tells me to
focous on my baby toe
as my body
mind and
spirit
play russian roulette
in the dark

I feel good about today. I tought myself how to juggle, and I am significantly better now than I was when I was 12. I have also been properly socialized, as my parents had people over this evening to play pool. My parents have people over about once a year, so as you can imagine, it was quite a shock to my social system. I feel good though. Juggling is very zen, or something.

Puss In Boots is my favorite fairytale character.

Tomorrow I am going to feed the ducks in the golf course, and I am going to stand on the fareway and juggle. My family is going out to the mountains, and I am staying home to work on work. I would be up for some company though, should anyone feel so compelled.

I can't take much more of this.
In other words:
Today has been shitty.

Life is rediculous. I like my family far better from a distance. Fifteen minutes ago started yell at me while I was making cookies, because I used the "wrong butter!" Apparently it was old. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the butter. I said that maybe someone should remove the bad food from the refidgerator, so that the next time, unlike the last time I made popcorn, maybe I wouldn't use it. Does this seem irrational to any of you? Then she yelled a bit more about being a terrible mother and how I never want any help and how she's so evil and whatnot, and I didn't really listen because this is a weekly occurance. Then she put her coat on, announced that she wasn't taking care of us anymore and slammed the door.

It looks like I'll be making dinner tonight.

It's become overwhelmingly clear that I need to run away. I spent an hour trying to keep from bawling, and now that everyone's gone to bed I'm just crying.

I am too internal. I am too alone.
I am too busy. I am too self-sufficent.
I am too hard. I am too breakable.
I am too drowned. I am too robotic.
I am too quiet. I am too inside myself.
I am too shy. I am too tired.
I am too accepting. I am too aware.
I am too habitual. I am too selfish.
I am too shakey. I am too distracted.
I am sighing shuddering sobs.

I think I am having my emotional breakdown of the month.

We had a kitchen party today. Trea came over. My father bought a really really nice six string guitar today. He needed another creative outlet. Or something.

My fingers are getting used to stings.

I stayed up until 1:30 working on homework. Everyone I know was working on homework today. It was a day off. Tomorrow is not. I listened to Cat Power's CD Free all day long. Did homework. Played guitar. Listened to Vanessa's CD. I finished my social studies American Election project today. I have 13 references, excessive?

We now have a Dictatorship project. It involves playing the games on www.thedictatorship.com I morally object to every single one of them. While creative, they are horrifying.

The golfcourse is now open for wandering. This marks they day that I stop spending so much time at home.

We are having waffles.

If you should find yourself with some free time:

www.silvergrin.net

Just reminding you. ZeD. Also, this woman is awesome, I'm pleading for her book Final Girl, for Christmas. I must say, that I liked Feminine Protection a lot better on paper, but it's still pretty funny in the extreme way. I LOVE Why Things Burn. Go watch.

Also if you search Metric you will find a live performace of Combat Baby.

Over and Out.

"I have spent many days stringing and unstringing my instrument

while the song I came to sing remains unsung."
- Rabindranath Tagore

I read this in one of my mothers "womens magazines" while the rest of my family was eating dinner at our cluttered kitchen table. This quote hits the mark dead on, this is how I feel about every aspect of my life. This is really really hard to feel. I have no idea what the hell i'm doing anymore, what's important to me, who I am. I don't feel like I have an identity, because my indentity is based on my intrests and lately all I've done is work.

My neighbour, who has a CD that I got today, is AMAZING. I'll be carrying it around for quite a while so if you want to listen, just ask.

I woke up to the best sunrise today.
I am having an excellent time.
Life is, for the most part, good.
I spent some time with Shannon and Anthony today.
We walked down to Kensington and chewed on cinnamon sticks.
Fabulous.

I wish everything my brother has ever said to me didn't have the "fuck you" undertones.

I don't want to only ever be a robot.

Two amazing songs I've been listening to on repeat:

Halloween Alaska - All the Arms Around You

Innocence Mission - Where Does the Time Go

I need to make my life anti-stress. I don't know what day of the week it is, let alone the actual date. I probably couldn't tell you the month either.


I am getting things out of the way however, Mamady Keita work shop is this weekend. I am exicted but also nervous and anxious because this guy is AMAZING.

The mold is now mostly under control and our new washing machine and drier and freezer have arrvide, and we can start putting out basement back together. I'm pretty sure the mold,cleaning products and paint played a part in me catching this cold. I'll also not mention where the cold in question came from, and rather just mention that I spend an awful lot of time with a certain girl who I don't like breathing all over me.

Cha.

I feel like I am imploding. It's like everything is far too much and there is far too much to do and I don't know what to do first and this seems to be a recurring problem for me. I'll start something and think of a better way to do something else and I won't want to forget it. Or it's just not physically possible for me to do something. I am also highly emotionally charged this week. I haven't pinpointed the cause, however I'm sure it won't go away for a while. I started crying tonight because my brother said he needed the computer while I needed the computer. Sheesh. I am having fun though. Really I am. I think I'm socializing. It's really really difficult though. I find it so hard to initiate conversation. To the point that I'll think about it for weeks before I say anything.

oh man.

Self-Eveident Truths:

I feel disoriented.
I am busy.
I am not articulate.
I am a little pannicked.
I do not have any clean pants.
The Shins CD Oh, Inverted World is awesome.
I need a lot of words.
I am maybe making a friend.
Maybe two.
Words are difficult.
The right ones, the right order.

I am exhausted right now.

The house has reached new junkyard status. Last night my father and I unpacked twenty years worth of junk, including a make your own yogurt machine, and distributed it through out the house. My mother has to clean up the toxic mold. Yes, large black patches of toxic mold, not 10 feet from my bedroom door. So uhhh, I guess i'll be cleaning this weekend. Also, my parents, specificially my mother refuses to get rid of nearly everything. Which makes it difficult to clean. Obviously.

While the Karmic Powers that Be are not acting kindly towards my family, (Caseinpoint) I seem to be having a good day.

What to do. What to do... I'm very restless. There's so much weighing on tomorrow and on this month. I have quite a lot to do and I don't know what to start with or even how to do most of it.

Go to Reflections.