I am writing down my to do list for you to see, partly because I need to procrastinate further, and partly because it feels good to cross things off lists.

Social
- Do all of the cold war questions
- Do Key review
- Study for Cold War Test
- Write up chapter review for both text books (so far I have done all the chapters in the first text book and need to do the 17 case study's, in the second text book I've done nothing and therefore have to do all 17 chapters)

Science
- Study for Physics Unit test
- Make Chapter 10 Notes
- Study Bio and Chem.
- Find practise diplomas(if anyone knows where I can find these, for Science 30 I'd be grateful)

Math:
- Write up notes on all chapters
- Do all text book review (Probability(done), Matrices(done), Statistics(Done), Finance, Sinosodal Data, Vectors)
- Do Key Review before Friday 7th

Sculpture 25
- Finish fish(done)
- Do found object sculpture
- Finish sketch book
- Prepare for critique

Profesional Development 35
- Write some more entries on blog
- Go see Rodin(done)
- Take and add photos to blog

Not school related

- Emiy's bag
- Order Passionate Mistakes by Michelle Tea from Chapters
- clean room for god sakes!
- Get tickets to the Amnesty International Arts Jam
- Find P.J. Harvey at the library
- Remember to eat, shower, sleep etc.
- Go to Betsy
- Read

I saw the Rodin exhibit today. It was beyond my wildest dreams... or something like that. I was amazed. It's definately one of those things you should see. I saw both Mr. Robinson and Mr. Jobb while I was there. Afterwards was a bit annoying though, because I was in my whole art gallery quiet inside my head mood and everyone thought I was sulking, which I wasn't.

The first part of the holiday was awesome, but lately I've not been feeling like myself at all. I just feel empty and souless, like I don't have an identity. Today at Rodin I loved who I was, but it was still fleeting at best and I'm really scared that for there rest of my life I will go throught these periods of knowing myself and being a complete stranger. Oh god this is such a weird thing to be writing about.

I think, if I were in Iraq I would have a valium addiction. In fact, if valium was sold without a prescription here I would probably have an addiction, or at least a very strong desire to always have it in my system. I'm rather worried that I've inherited my mothers anxiety. I'm far too stressed out. The thoughts of returning to school on monday make my head spin. I'm not ready for the exams, I've been working nearly steady since boxing day trying to get some review sheets made up and I'm running out of time. I mean, I can't wait until I am out for good. I hate all those teachers who figure that if they lecture at us for long enought we might actually make them look good.

Why am I so serious all the time.

I think these are like... modern day Warhol, because we all know how much I love Warhol.

I've also been watching a lot of Garden State, if you didn't catch it when it was in theatres and I was obsessed with it in the summer, rent it. Definately worth the time and or money.

Oh! I got three out of the four Kim Barlow CD's for Christmas. I adore them. She makes me so silly happy, pigtales and cars and she makes me want to drive forever and see everything, in fairy wings. It could be dangerous. Lately I've been really anxious to turn 18, and I want to be a master of animted objects. I have two separate lists of resolutions. One to become an adult, and one to be come the coolest kid I'll ever know.

"Nothing left to stay for, everyone we know is crazy, they just drink and work and fight, lets change our names, it's time we're moving on..."
get in the car - lucky burden - kim barlow

Tomorrow holds the possiblity of sibling bonding. Long over due sibling bonding at that. A trip to the library. I signed up for guitar lessons today. I'm super excited. I am going to teach my brother english, because his teacher is not. Silly woman, she thinks Language arts means Arts and Crafts. Poor thing, she's a little confused.

I remember when this blog contained relative uniform thought. Wait... no... It probably never did.

I haven't been posting much lately. I've been too busy being myself and loving who I am to both much with updating. I've been reading crazy books about girls, and watching movies about war and other things. I suppose there will be more later, and here's hoping I get my hands on a working camera so at least there will be photo documentation of the the holidays.

I don't know about you but I had a fairly good christmas. I woke up this morning with terrible pains on the left side of my back, which didn't suprise me much because I went to sleep with horrible pain in my back. However, that being said, I woke up at nine (I think that's a sleeping late on christmas day record.)I think everyone is pleased with their gifts, Mom got a foot spa and new dishes for the kitchen. Dad got knives and a blender, Erik got The Good the Bad and the Ugly DVD, a philosopy book, and chocolate, and I got many many CD's (and Final Girl!!!)

I'm very proud of myself. I essentially made christmas dinner. Yup. Mom came down with the flu around noon and proceded to spent the evening throwing up, poor thing. My grandmother and I made dinner, because it was christmas and we had a turkey cooking. I can't believe that I actually managed to cook a dinner, with the assistance from Grandma of course.

I also went driving today with Erik and Dad. It was scary but I didn't hit anything, and I can go about 45 without freaking out. This is my third time driving and I've had my learners since the end of the summer, but here's hoping I know enough this summer to drive with my mother to the Yukon or out east or something.

Boxing Day shopping tomorrow. Guitar stuff and more music. It's really an unfortunate time to be unemployed, what with all the great music around.

.

.

.

I'm slowly learning, through the little details, that I am, by no stretch of the imagination, alone.

I watched Boys Don't Cry tonight. I've been wanting to see it since it came out in theatres, being thirteen at the time, I was obviously not allowed. My mother was none too pleased about me watching it tonight. She is of the weak stomach variety.

Watching the movie made me want to be myself so intensely. It made what we're doing at school with the G.S.A. seem all the more important.

(oh man... there was a newsletter sitting on our computer desk, it appears to be some sort of school paper from Abe. The front page has an article by my former locker partner of seventh grade. She appears to be as whiney and mindless and misinformed as she was five or six years ago.)

I seem to have got stuck in a loop of gender disphoria. Not me personally, but everyone in every form of entertainment I've sought out lately. My book, Tipping the Velvet is all about entertainers in London during the end of the 1800's. It's really quite interesting, and I realized that if I tried really hard I could be a cool cabaret singer with my new haircut. Don't ask where I came up with that. But anyway, Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters seems to be excellent so far. Boys Don't Cry, I highly recommend. Or Boys Don't Cry by the Cure, also good.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't really like it much. I'm not really letting any of it out either, because then it's real and it hurts and I actually have to face it all. I suppose I will be sufficiently distracted by Christmas.

Oh, and if you've pulled the "I'm older than you and thus superior" card with me lately, in any way shape or form, you're probably not on my good side. Please, Don't ever say anything like that to me again.

Today my mother told me to fuck off when I told her to breathe, then I made her a cake. See. Thick skin.

I've probably said too much. I love my mom, really. I love my life, I don't ever want to be anybody else. I love the Cure, and books, and I probably do resent you for being older.

He told me to look at my hand, for a part of it came from a star that
exploded too long ago to imagine. This part of me was formed from a tongue of fire that screamed through the heaves until there was out sun. And this part of me - this tuny part of me - was on the sun when it itself exploded and whirled in a great strom until the planets came to be.

And this small part of me was then a whisper of the earth. When there was life, perhaps this part of me got lost in a fern that was crushed and covered until it was coal. And then it was a diamond millions of years later - it must have been a diamond as beautiful as the star from which it had first come.

Or perhapse this part of me became lost in a terrible beast,
or become part of a huge bird that flew above the primeval swamps.

And he said that this thing was so small - this part of me was so
small it couldn't be seen - but it was there from the beginning of the
world.

And he called this bit of me an atom. And when he wrote the word,
I fell in love with it.
Atom.
Atom.
What a beautiful word.

~Tillie ~ The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds ~ Paul Zindel

Today was mixed. For the most part it was pretty darn good though.

I almost don't want the holidays to come because I am feeling much more comfortable at school, the G.S.A. is developing at an amazing rate(we already have hardcore cool fundraising ideas!) and things are going well. My marks are strangely improving. I'm getting 85% in Physics(as the third unit in Science 30) and I nearly have an 80% in Social. I've completely lost hold of logical mathmatical thinking however, so I suppose that mark is not so good, but there is plenty of opportunity still to make up lost brain matter.

Today I picked up a copy of The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds. Remember how much I liked it a couple of years ago. Well it's still my favorite play ever. Over the holidays I'm going to make little cartoons out of it. I'm excited. I also got a copy of the script The Soldier Dreams from Mr. Jobb. (Part of the fundraising ideas.) As well, I have stacks and stacks, okay six other books that I'm hoping to get read before I return to school. Emily K. said she'd loan me a book, however I can't remember what it was, and I probably won't get around to reading it until after finals. I'm very very excited (not about finals). I don't plan on leaving the couch on Saturday.

I'm missing English a lot. Not reading is painful. Not thinking about the stuff I do read, or rather not having the time too, drives me batty. I need to do something about my class next year though, because from all accounts my teacher is not quite as demanding as I would like.

The only bad thing about today was the horrific stomach ache I had all day. I slept from four until seven thirty this evening before finally swallowing all the meds. Yuck. I also didn't eat anything today, aside from the oatmeal at breakfast. It just wasn't an eating day.

Okay, I'm alright now. I'm still taking adult mentor/role models. I can never get enough of those. And if you feel like being one of those awesome people like Ari who answers all of my silly questions about life even if she's in the midst of moving across the U.S. or like Ms. Smyth who is 300% more helpful than anyone would ever imagine possible I'd love you forever because these are the people who make my life excellent.

I have made some logical decisions about my future.
1. It's rediculous to think that I need to completely relocate my pretty awesome life to have a better life. So I'm not going to Montreal. It's far too big right now.
2. It's also rediculous for me to think about going to University.
3. I have several fabulous east coast relatives who are more than happy to loan out their couch if ever the need should arise.
4. I have one phenominal aunt who always tells me to come stay with her, (and two of her three children lived with us at some point in the last 18 years.) So it's only logical that I go there for a while.
5. I need the east coast like woah.
6. My parents are cool with all of this.
7. While staying with my amazing aunt I could possibly volunteer here, and get some valuble farming experience.

8. I never do homework on Monday's.
9. Pah.
10. I figured it should be a deca.

I'm looking for positive adult role models. I realized today that part of the issues I have about growing up is that I personally know only one happy adult. This I think, is part of the problem.

So, if you're happy and over 25, feel free to you know... be a role model.

Thanks.

Today was rough. All day I just felt like crying. Which is an excellent mood in which to write a social unit final. About war. I am tired of wars. I am tired of everything actually.

Sucky weekend, sucky monday. suck. suck. suck.

The only saving grace today was my 85% average in physics, which kind of made me feel worse because I should have just took physics like I wanted too.

Also saving me is my last night of work tomorrow.

And the prospect of chilling out with my grandmother over the holidays.

I have to go. I am going to play guitar for a while and hope that it makes me less anxious and sad.

Today has been draining. Oh man. I feel like shit. My entire family has been playing hot/cold with me all weekend. Today it reduced me to a good half an hour of violent sobbing. I suppose I should clarify, by hot/cold, I mean loud and intense/quiet and being passive agressive.

I made a post around two saying that if anyone needed me i'd be at grandma's house indefinately. I packed and everything. Then my father, in a moment of softness brought me his left over indian food from the night before. And because I have loads of homework requiring computer access, I stayed here.

This afternoon I walked to the grocery store and bought my own groceries, because the only thing I ate this weekend was a bowl of popcorn, a bowl of frosted cheerios, three oranges, and the indian food I had for lunch.

I've been listening to a lot of Ani lately. I got So Much Shouting/So much Laughter out of the library, and I'm obsessing over it again. The thing about Ani is that once you're tired of repetitively playing one of her CD's there's at least 20 others you could listen too.

Penelope by Pinback is an awesome hand clapping happy tragic song.

I guess I should go find some dinner now.

I really can't wait until tomorrow when I can go to school. Who would have thought I'd actually get up at 6:30 every morning just so I could be at school by 8. The english hallway is my favorite place to be these days. It's quiet and warm, and just feels like a good place. I know you probably don't understand. That's okay. I think I might not be online for a while. Or at least, i don't think I'll be on MSN.

"To all the people out there tonight,
who are comforting themselves,
if you should happen to see my light,
you can stop and ring my bell,
i'm just sittin here in this sty,
strewn with half written song,
staking one breath at a time."

~Ani Difranco - Knuckle Down - Recoil - 2005

So, big week. The G.S.A. was officially approved on Thursday morning. YAY! Big celebrations. My mother gives me "I'm so embarrassed" looks, and my father says rather loudly and forcefully "I don't want you out of the closet!!!" I nearly started crying. It was so much easier when we pretended that none of it existed. But you know, this is further proof that the club is needed.

Anyway, friday night television always makes me lonely. I have decided that I am going to work for a radio station when I grow up. No I haven't, but I have decided that I'm going to become very informed about music. Not theory but culture. It's the only thing I've stuck with my entire life. From American Pie when I was tiny, to the many songs I listen to each day.

It's too late to self-destruct.

I'm just the girl who loves you, inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out.

The following is an excerpt of a conversation I had on friday night. I am sharing it because I think it's the most honest in the moment description of where I am right now. Just for clarification, I'm in a really excellent place.

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: do you know I was afraid for so long to cut my hair shortshort how i wanted it or thought I wanted it or something?
and then when I did, it looked awesome, and I love/d it.
and but I was so afraid.
I have been thinking of big shifts in my life tonight, and all of them weren't because of me but because of something someone else said.

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: ughughugh! BUT YOU GET IT!!!!

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: I totally get it!
I've been relating that to my own life the past couple of days.
but you know what I was thinking?

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: what?

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: All I've heard all my life is that it's horrible to be part of a minority group, and that if you are life will suck, and I've been living with the horrible idea that because I'm gay my life is going to suck, but it's not, it's going to be so amazing because I am being who I really am, if I had to pretend to be straight my whole life it would be horrible.
and so for a long time I was scared to be gay because everyone said it was scary and dangerous and that I'd die from aids by thirty, but that's how everyone else sees the world and I don't need to be that way, it's not scary being gay once you realize that you are.

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: you know what's so amazing???
i was just talking to my mom about matt and you and gsa/s and a bunch of my other gay friends and how like, when you were going to the "self help" kind of group? or maybe i totally read into it wrong and it was a support group.
but you get to the point
where you don't need a book or a group.
i mean, not entirely
but you realize
your own two legs are good enough.
and being gay isn't all of who you are
and,... I was thinking a lot about what you were saying today.

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: but you know, just realizing that my future won't be the hell that everyone says it is, and that everyone doesn't want to crucify me makes me soooooooo enormously happy.

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: mmm!
I am so glad you are there! and here!!

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: My life is going to be so good, and I'm going to love a lot and live a lot.

Enormous post of literary and photographic nature over on the art blog.

So, as you know, I've been reading Fall On Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald. I finished it this evening, and I feel compelled to do a review, as I do with fabulous top of the line books and terrible burn this book if you see it books.

This was the good kind. It is the most intelligent book I've read. Which is to say, they way it was put together was so fasinating. The characters are people who really existed in my mind, like family or something quite similar, surrogate sisters, who I will remember for a very very long time. About two pages from the end you figure out all the mysteries when you read one sentance and everything is understood without any of it being said. It was amazingly heartbreaking.

Wow. Life is fabulous. Everything is progressing, I got the t-shirt done for Elissa, which removes miles of stress. Ack, I swear I'm going to burn my own house down. It's like I have no control over it. The knobs for the burners are confusing.
The GSA plans are coming along nicely. I hear that we have three more supporters than I ever really thought we'd have. I feel as if I've talked to everyone in the past week. I certainly hope that Brenna's excellent student image and my overwhelming work in drama plus fairly good grades will give us some pull with the administration. However, I think that this actually has a chance of getting off the ground.

In other news: my mother is becoming more vocal in her unhappiness. She wants to leave. Seriously if I didn't know who my mothers parents were I'd swear that she met my dad at some hippy protest while she was viting from england or the united states and she ended up marrying him so that she could stay in the country. That's how much the love each other... being not at all.
I really resent the way I was rasied. To believe that physical contact is the most absurd form of communication. The other day I was talking to an adult who mentioned that she had been discussing something of importance with her husband, and it stunned me that she would discuss it, I've been raised in a house where my father does whatever he wants regarding anything, my mother does whatever she wants because my father doesn't care, and no one ever discusses anything. They aren't involved in each others lives, they are simply people who share the same bed at night.

My mother is freaking out over the GSA. She is very very nervous, because as she sees me I am fearless but niaeve (which I'm not) and all she sees is all of the horrible stuff my cousin went through that she understandably doesn't want me to go through. I think she is forgetting that this is not a town with a population of 500, it's a school with a student population three times that. It would be nice to talk to my cousin though. He's a great guy.

But I am insanely excited about everything in my life right now. In working to make me life better I am hopefully making other peoples lives better, and visa versa.

Life is so much better when you are prepared for it. Therefore, today was excellent.

Today was a fuck up day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Except physics. I like physics. Physics is practical. Nevermind the bit about needing to know the gravatational forces attracting Jupiter to Earth. I wrote an essay today, forced it out. I conclude that it is 100% harder to write an essay at home than it is to write one in class. I never realized how stupidly outspoken my housemates are until I need them to be quiet.
I am going to wake up tomorrow and pretend that today never happened. Magic fairies did my homework while I was sleeping and this week wednesday's have been abolished.
This morning there was a tiny cow making a tiny home of my brothers chocolate milk carton. It moo's when you open it. I think this is fabulous.