Melissa Ferrick - Till You're Dead

Hey.
Life is pretty good.
It's spring.
Music is my l.i.f.e.
It's getting serious.
The two of us.
That is all.
Love.
Kar.

I'm sorry. I just want to say that I am eternally greatful for every person in my life who in some tiny way makes me feel a little less like shit. If I could I would probably hug you, but in most cases it is a social faux-pas and/or geographically impossible. But let it be known, that I love all of you.

Suzanne Vega - Gypsy

I feel like the cold is biting me.
Exhaustion is overwhelming me.
This city is devouring me.

Today, I was just sitting there, and I had a marvellous picture fill my head. I was in a tiny house, full of sunlight, I was curled up in a bed and everything had colour. I was warm, full of calm, happiness. I was high.

I am cold and feeling empty.

Juliet - Thea Gilmore

I'm having a lot of trouble with my identity, in that, i feel as if I have to stiffle it. I don't know why feel that way. It like I need to have like fifteen minutes every day where I can just be "gay." I hate saying that. I really do.

I think, Erik drove me to the breaking point. Everything about me was so negitive for so long. I haven't had a civil conversation with a member of my family for weeks. I have no idea who I am. I find myself obessing over things like songs, and tv shows and movies. My movie list for this weekend:
American Beauty,
Party Monster,
Dirty Pretty Things,
The L Word third dvd.

See even here I put the l word last on my list, don't want to seem to excited about one of the only television programs that I've actually felt something, actualy felt connected to.

Poor Twiggy gets the worst of it I think. I'm not sure why, but I don't feel uncomfortable imposing my sexualitiy on her. She just goes along with it, like it's completely natural for me to be so unconventional.

I hate this entry because I think I've nailed it. This is why I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone but Brenna and Twiggy. This is why I'm so anxious, why I feel so off balance. This is why I feel like theres something fundamentally wrong with my world.

Okay, so here's the deal. I can either..... bah. I can't figure it out. I can't even explain it.

Mae Moore & Lester Quitzau - Little Wing

oh, by the way, I'm "okay" and still smoke free. i'm trying to keep my issues at bay.

i want to write a script, for something. it's my goal to be comfortable enough with writing in that style so that I'm able to use it for the English minor I have to write in june.

okay, so here's the deal; send my situational ideas, topics, locations, things that will get me started writing.

also, I want to make another zine. encouragement is greatly appreciated.

so, i am going to start writinig again.

Is it possible to crave something I've never experienced. Over the past couple of months I've been wanting to smoke. I think that if someone were to offer me one tomorrow I'd accept it.

I know it sounds horrible, and hypocritical and I know that if I start smoking it will kill me, given enough time.

I just don't know why, but I need it.

It's becoming very clear that something has got to change. I am violently angry. I feel so stifled and confined. My family makes the feelings more intense.

I went to the mall with my mother to escape my brother and father. I went for mindless consumerism to fill the ever increasing void inside my life.

I can relate to the short story we're reading in English. It' s amazing how much I can relate. I nearly started crying in class today.

I want to cry a lot lately. I miss my family. I miss them so much that I don't like to think of them because my throat tightens and my eye balls get warm and I think how horrible it is that it's been two years since I've seen most of them.

Flowers & Things - The Fates

Things have been interesting lately. I was kind of stuck in book land for a while. Now i'm out of it and my whole family is sick, excpt me. We haven't had good internet at home in a long time. Its been sketchy. I have not directly spoken to my brother in 5 days.

There's this camp in Ottawa that I REALLY want to go work at for a week at the end of August. I'm not sure it's going to work out, and I've probably already got my hopes up too much. I just want to be a part of it so much, it's one of those things that's really important to me, even though I'm so distanced, physically, from it. I would literally mop floors for a week if they asked me too.

Anyway, I'm plotting my escape for the fall. It should be amusing. That is all.