I learned how to make scrambled eggs today. This makes me happy because I'm getting closer to not starving when I move out. Speaking of which, the weekends are killing me. Slowly with each word my family utters. I would like to over hear a conversation that does not revolve around poop or cars, or the combination of the two. If it's not poop and cars it's bigot like statement, judgmental comments, or hush hush whispering about the other parent while driving in the car.

I want to leave. I want to leave tomorrow and instead of going into the school I'll go through downtown to the bus station and get on a bus going anywhere, except north and I'll leave. But not really, because I'm the rational responsible one.

I've turned soft, it's not yet midnight and I'm ready for bed. Geez, what a waste of time.

This afternoon while cleaning my room I found a pair of magenta tights and I put them on and then I put on my khaki jeans and rolled them up to just below my knees put on a burgundy shirt and black socks and my bowling shoes. I then proceeded up the stairs and asked if I could wear it to the fancy restaurant that we were going to for dinner. I received a yes from mom a yes from dad and a ewww no way from Erik. So naturally I assumed they would actually let me wear it out of the house.

Time comes to leave, my father has a fit about the leggings and demands that I take them off or roll down the pants. Humph. That was nice of him.

Fancy dinner was disgusting. I ate chicken while the rest of my family ate cheesy pasta with tomato sauces and snazzy spices. Blah.

I finally found my keys. It took looking to find them, imagine that. I was also on CRZY the school radio station today. It was fun.

Dear Dad:

I found the letter opener, it's in my room, see the big pile of dirty laundry in the corner, it's under that. Oh? There's a pile of books under that, sorry, it's under the pile of books too. See it there? Anyway, I've found it and I've been meaning to give it to you but I keep forgetting.

-W

Dear Mr. Burnette

I just thought you'd like to know that half of the half of the class that actually showed up today has left. The rest of them are distroying the paper cutters and it won't be long before someone loses a finger. Also, the printer is out of paper. Just thought you'd like to know.

Dear People I'm Supposed to Stay in Contact with:

I'm sorry, I've been sleeping instead.
Also, if I owe you mail, I'm sorry please remind me and you'll get some soon.

Love, Nova

Today I got my hair caught in the back end of the schools oh so safe hairdryer in art. Now I have a nice choppy bit at the side of my head.

I cried over school again today and have concluded nothing as to classes next year or this year even and I'm sort of freaking out because I'm taking classes, but I will probably end up not even needing to take them but everything is happening and recently I've been feeling like I'm trying to walk up stream.

I wonder if there is some way to analyze a person based on their favorite Beatles song?
My favorite is a tie between Elanor Rigby and "You've got to hide your love away." I wonder what that says.

I think I've made a decision but I refuse to comment on the record before the first of April. I feel good, or better than I have in a while.

Dude, check out these playlists. This is definitely my favorite radio station for now. During Art Mr. Robinson and I just sit in the art room doing equally insane projects (Me, grouting, gluing, sanding, digging through garbage cans, filling sinks with pop cans etc. Him sanding, sawing, cementing, painting, it's all good!) and listening to CKUA which is usually either this program or this one.

Now I'm going to bed. Goodnight, I love you all, and if you happen to be going to San Francisco tomorrow or Friday, you'd better be sending your jealous little cousin a postcard.

Now that my father has a job he can now worry about our falling apart family and most specifically the fact that his daughter has issues with school. He didn't really think about the whole school issue until tonight while driving me to work when he asked me what classes I was taking this semester and why I cry all the time over them. Being heavy on the academics my father blew a gasket when he heard that they wouldn't let me into the Biology classes so now he wants to take me out of the one class that I can be independently productive in and get me to do Biology online. While this is fine it doesn't solve my main and very large problem of math. He doesn't want me to do math online and he doesn't understand why I'm in applied because that won't get me into University in a year.

While this is all fine and dandy I would be very pleased if I could do both Science and Math online and then it would let me know what next year would be like if I stayed at Crescent PLUS I wouldn't be stuck in all of the terrible classes with silly people who don't know what the concept of work is.

He wants me to make a two year plan. I don't think I'm capable of that.

I'm oh so happy that he finally feels like being involved. Meanwhile, I'm not longer atlas with my family on my shoulders, or at least I hope that will be one of the outcomes of his new job.

The high point of my day was super gluing my two middle fingers on my left hand together. It was an accident, and I don't recommend it. Also super glue isn't quite as super as it says, I managed to separate my fingers.

My father has a job. A real job with a real company! Hurrah!

The high point of my classes yesterday was rummaging through all of the trash cans and recycling bins at my school. I was looking for Coke cans. I only found 14, which I supposed is a nobel amount considering how they were acquired. I'm still trying to collect a few more so if anyone wants to make any donations I'd be grateful as I don't really want to go digging again.

My doctor is an idiot. Gah.

Yesterday I realized that I need to start thinking about RIGHT NOW and not TOMORROW or YESTERDAY. I tried it today and it's really really hard. Mom started talking to me again this morning, so I suppose that's a good thing. Plus with dad having the job she's a lot calmer now. Which is also go.

I have to work tonight and I really don't want too, and I think I failed my math quiz today because I couldn't be bothered to learn the stuff I missed on Friday. Other than that... blah.

The Tibetan Book of the Dead by Jean-Claude van Itallie is amazing! Wow. Go read it, it's the play that my school's drama society is doing. It has the potential to be wonderful.

This is the only thing to make me laugh today.

I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't really been communicating with. I'll try soon.

"I'm never giving you anything ever again, 'cause you're a terrible sister."

"Pass me a fork."

That summs up out entire relationship thus far. Me, I never wanted to be a sister, and he never wanted to my my brother. We are simply people who co-exist for the single reason that we both belong to the same people. I woke up early to see my mother fleeing the house as fast as possible. Muttering something about sunglasses and fabric. My father was perchasing tickets to WWE RAW on the computer. My brother was hopping up and down in the kitchen speaking in the highpitched voice cracking tone he always uses when he wants to be annoying. This carried on for fifteen minutes.

Today I'm going to the Nickel Art Museum at the UofC. I don't care who tries to stop me, I'm not staying here.

I went to tour Alternative this morning. Wow. It's like a circus. A really well managed circus. With really nice ring leaders.

I'm no closer to making and sort of decision, and at this point it almost feels like one of those times when I should close my eyes and toss a coin.

My mother has no faith in my stellar bus transportation expertise.

Today I got electrocuted by a disposable camera. Lesson learned, when it says do no open, probably it shouldn't be opened unless one understands how to do it without personal injury.

I'm fine however. Going to Alternative tomorrow. I'm nervous. It would help if I didn't have to drag my mother across the city via the public transit system, at rush hour no less.

Meep.

After school I put on a skirt and my boots with the new star laces and I jogged around the block, there's nothing quite like with three inches of solid rubber soles. Then I grabbed my camera and we out wandering. It was splendid, and a bit nippy on the legs, but I got some pretty cool melting water and snow and cloud reflection type shots. The above shot has nothing to do with the previously mentioned.

My father has completely disintegrated into a pile of mush because he didn't get a phone call today. He has covered the white board in pleadings to the "Universe." I worry, and I want to kill every person who has sugar coated things for him because, as they may not understand, it doesn't really help him much.

I was passed this over the internet web of communication, and how coincidental that this wonderful fellow (the make-up library guy who I met a few months ago) was featured in this film.

I was left in charge of my Communications Technology classroom for half an hour ish while the teacher ran off down the street to buy batteries for all the point and shoot cameras that I was in the process of rehabilitating. It was odd. But, as I see it, no one was having sex behind the laminator, no one got high, no one broke anything, no one seemed to notice that the teacher had left the building and everyone left with all remaining limbs intact. A successful day indeed.

I'm skipping school on Friday to go tour a different school with my mother. I'm nervous, though I'm not sure why. My thinking organ has been beaten into silly string and it's all muddled and I'll be very happy when I can think things through clearly again. It's all very complicated and I wish I didn't have such a good girl thought pattern, as I would be smoking by now or something.

Soon I will remember how to breathe, and possibly find some lavender laying around, and get to bed before midnight, and everything will all be very clear.

Finished my book.
Wanted to go to sleep early.
Crying instead.
Fought with my mother.
Terrible thing is we're both on the same side more or less.
I need to throw up but I can't.
I'm beginning to think I'm the only one who can see the problem.
Which makes me think there might not actually be a problem.

I have to choose next years classes. I don't know why but it will cause me to cry myself to sleep tonight, and probably not eat much tomorrow. I'll have to go see the counsellors a minimum of three times at least to get all of the crap sorted out, only to be miserable.

I fight with my mother because she's lost and I feel like I'm dragging her along. and I fight with her because it's easy,

I wish my life were more than this.

I have:

Cannot be harmed in the making:
-a large glass teapot.
-a glass salt and pepper shaker set.
-an Instamatic camera.
- a fish bowl.
-a small globe from a long time ago.
-an ancient toaster.
-a yellow canister set saying "coffee" "tea" "flour" and "sugar"


Can be harmed:
-about 30 blue Christmas lights, sized large.
-a large spoon.
-sink strainer.
-a national geographic from 1970.
-a bunch of chain rings from a bicycle.

I have to turn this into "art". Originally I was thinking, "recreate a 70's kitchen" but now I'm not really sure that's "art."

Any ideas?

Listening to Jet, and suddenly overwhelmed by the chaos of my family I mouth along to the words. I imagine I'm in the middle of the concert and I'm thrashing in a crowd of people. I don't particularly love the music itself, but I love how it's all carried out.

My art is always fighting with my books for shelf space, and more recently floor space. I bought a few new books yesterday, and checked out an unmentionable amount of art books from the library. "Modern Art" "Impressionism" "Cubism" "Marcel Duchamp." "Janis Joplin" are among the checked out books, as well as many many photography books.
The books I purchased are:
Fall On Your Knees - Ann-Marie MacDonald
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Stir-fry - Emma Donoghue
The Glass Menagerie (from my grandmothers basement)
and a different copy of A Heart Breaking Work of Staggering Genius. The fascinating thing about AHWOSG is that the two copies I own are both the paperback kind, but they both have different backcovers for the "mistakes we knew we were making" part. Plus, now I can loan out a copy and keep a copy by my bed for late night skimming of pages.

I'm not sure which one to read first, so I decided to set them aside and read the library books first. I spent most of the afternoon reading Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. It's wonderful and British and heatbreaking all at the same time. I admire single parents so much.
I also have Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk but I don't think I'll read it. White Oleander didn't get anywhere, I'm only about 4 chapters into it, but I just can't drag myself through it. I'll try again after I see the movie.
Next, after Man and Boy, I intend to read a biography of Janis Joplin, but that might not happen either.

Everything is generally good. Of course I still haven't done any of my homework, and I probably won't until tomorrow afternoon sometime. I cleaned today, and got stuff done, and read, really sat down and read all afternoon. It was nice.

"Can I call you Granddad?"

I feel like it's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep because I'm on the other side of the world and the time zone just doesn't match my system. I'm listening to the late night talk radio which easily blends into the early morning classic tracks programming. I wonder if anyone else on my side of the world are listening, or if it's just me and all of the insomniacs of England.

In between public service announcements and the latest from the top Brit pop bands, I pause mid sentence in my book to listen to an elderly man calling into Jezza's Virgin Confessions.

Typically I tune out during Jezza's show, but today, I was sitting on my bed, amid a pile of afghans and wool blankets, preparing for the typical trash that I've heard various times before, women left by her husbands, men who've been left by their wives. Elderly ladies complaining about the state of the world. I've heard it all before.

This afternoon when I stopped to listen, I lay on my bed listening to the comforting gravel voice of this kind British man. I didn't catch his name, or his age, but I assume him to be around 85. He was just calling to say that his wife died ten years ago, and that in the 35 years that they were married they did have rough bits, the had rows, but they stayed together and they worked through things. He commented on how many couples today simply walk away from each other when things get a bit shaky, how some turn to drinks, and some turn to harder drugs.

That's when Jezza piped in with some wisdom from his mother, and the same generation as the elderly man, "In the old days, people used to make their beds, and then they had to lie in them. And if things got rough, you just had to stay in the bed and help to make it again."

Now, I'm not fond of the elderly as a group. I don't despise them either, I just don't understand them. I've had too many run-in with angry old men, and prejudice old ladies. They are from an age that just doesn't understand how things work now. I pity them, it's like adapting to life on mars. When they were born they barely had radio let alone central heating. Things like poverty and race divided up the world. That's just the way things were.

This old man, I wished I knew personally, because he seemed so casual about being old. He knew that to many of the listeners he would seem ancient, but he also knew how to talk without stepping on anyone's toes. Jezza asked if he could call him Granddad, and the man was okay with that, and I think everyone listening wished they could call him Granddad. It's a rare thing when a person of his generation can speak publicly about his views on society and not offend the vast majority of viewers.

Occasionally when I do listen to the midnight talk radio I hear something that touches me, or makes me think, I'll consider it later in the evening. I listened to this man, he said something that made sense to me. "People just leave." I leave. That's what I've taken to doing when things don't go my way. I'm not going to anymore. I'm going to stay and work things out. If I eventually leave, it won't be on harsh terms. I'll be able to face the past without the knots in my stomach and my sealed lips.

This evening I had an epiphany of sorts I suppose. It was one in the morning and I was cleaning of my bed. I've become a teenager, in the horrid, disorganized, chaotic, tiny bits of clay and string on the floor teenager way. I couldn't actually see the mattress part of my bed, or anything warm and cozy at all. All I could see were piles of books and clothing and lots and lots and lots of paper. That's not my epiphany though.

I was talking to myself, like I usually do when I'm up in the middle of the night cleaning. And I said "whom." Then I thought to myself, 'should I have said "who" instead?' Then, it dawned on me.
Whom = one person of vague or unknown identity.
Who = Many people of vague or unknown identity.

I'm sure it makes a whole lot more sense in my head, and I'm glad I got it all straightened out. It seemed very important back in... October or November when we were learning it in English and then the overhead broke so everyone started getting very angry and pushy and loud and, it all seemed very important that we know this, and I don't think many of us actually got it, and yet... I managed to make it through English without really knowing it.

Sometimes when I watch the news I don't feel anything. My eyes glaze over and my head returns to some place I've been once. Sometimes, I truly watch. I pay attention to the deaths and the tragedy. Today, I'm told, a four month old kitten was beat by a man. Basically he's getting 4 months of jail time, or a $2000 fine.
An unarmed man robbed a bank, he's 25.
A glass roof collapsed in Russia, I think it was Russia.
Now it's a picture of winter wonderland, and yes, the newscaster said hoarfrost.
There's a tattoo convention, model railway exhibition, and the winter festivities at C.O.P. this weekend.

This evening I called my dear Cuzn. She called me back at... oh 11. It was awesome to talk to her again. She's so... I don't even know what to call it. She makes me happy and giggle a lot. I'm giggling now...

...Even though I'm missing someone I used to love, this time last year. It had nothing to do with valentines day, not at all. I think we got together right afterwards though. It was the type of all encompassing thing. I miss her, but I can't do anything about it, because she doesn't really exist anymore, so I avoid her, so I don't end up hating her.

Today I bought black pants, and a navy blue shirt vest type deal. It's a lot funkier than it sounds. I'm going through a black phase. I love wearing the colour black because A) it makes me look amazing in my opinion (which is the only opinion that really matters) and B) It makes me inconspicuous. Which I like. Especially when I have a camera in hand.

I made these purchases at the *shudder* outlet mall in the N.E. I've been there twice in the last week. It hurts. The fluorescent lighting, the screaming children, the deep fried food court. The alarms, and the security and all the people. I have decided that I hate malls. Especially outlet malls. I don't intend to go into on in a very long time.

So yes, pseudo Goth phase. I'm not angry, and I still prefer Rilo Kiley to Depeche Mode and that other Goth band. So I'm pretty sure it's just a thing with black clothing.

My new/old shoes rock my socks... Literally. *man, I'm such a geek*

-I used to make bulited lists all the time, but that was before my super savvy web skills and they didn't really look like bulited lists and more like.... Sentences with dashes in between.

-Evidently, my super savvy web skills have yet to develop. However, I will soon have a professional non-blogger web page on the net. It's for the Djembabes (my mother's all female afro-celt percussion band.) It's all very snazzy. They have a fiddler now. She's only 21, but I like her better than Natalie McMaster. Actually, I think the bit about her only being 21 is a good thing, all of the rest of them are 40-50.

- The point is, soon I will be able to link to a website I designed and I can prove to all of you that I really do have some involvement in a band.

- Tonight Trea and Deb (two of the Djembabes) came over and we fiddled with movie files I took of them at the Celtic Folk Club. Trea talked dirty French and I laughed a lot. She also fixed my drum, so I can play it again without it sounding like I'm pounding on a dead goat. This is very good.

- We are after all not going to Edmonton this weekend. Not a huge surprise. I don't really feel any emotion towards the whole thing anyway.

-Since we are not going to Edmonton I plan to take my learners test tomorrow. I think it's rather pathetic to be 21 before I have a full license. I really, really, don't want to drive though. I love public transit too much.

- Today I discovered a new bus. It's fabulous because it takes me from my back door all the way down to 17th AVE. Previously this trip would involve going through the middle of downtown, taking a minimum of two busses and then walking a ways. Now it's one convenient little bus.

- I discovered today that I have to make more of an effort to hang out with Brenna. I know you guys don't know this, or maybe you do, but she is really really cool. AND, I think she might just be my favorite person ever. So yes, point being, no more sitting at home in front of the computer not really doing anything, more going out places with her.

- We went to 17th AVE today. It's this trendy artsy street near downtown. There are a lot of vintage stores, and artsy stores, and fabulous other stuff stores. I bought a new shirt which I am wearing right now, and a funky pair of ancient ADIDAS. They are marvelous.

-I also bought black shoe laces with stars on them to go into my dyke boots. Trea loves my dyke boots, except I didn't actually say they were "dyke boots." I don't know why I give my footware such horrible names. "Dyke Boots" "Purple Pimp Shoes" etc.

-Tonight after work and after everyone else went to bed I played my poor lonely guitar. I feel bad for the poor thing. Everyone has moved on to bigger, louder and more obnoxious instruments. My father is making us a box drum, and my parents are looking for this absolutely amazing indian cow hide drum for me. Because I adore Robins, and everyone needs more drums.

- I worry that by the time I'm 25 I'll have a complete loss of hearing. I worry that listening to so many songs so loudly through headphones so tightly applied to my ears will destroy my ears. But then I think, all of those hippies, all of those concerts, the days of Pink Floyd and Led Zepplin, and even before that The Beatles, there must have been millions of people who listened to music louder than I do.

- I desperately need new sneakers. Mine are not at the stage where they are completely falling apart at the seams, but are at the stage where all of the padding has turned to dust and there really isn't any support. This means my foot, and knee and hip on one leg are throbbing.

- Because we are not going to Edmonton I intend to do a lot of things over the next few days. First of which is to finish my chemistry homework. Second is to send Jessica's package. Because it was originally a birthday present, and her birthday is in early January... I also plan to write, and possibly set up a blog for regular quality creative writing. Read an unhealthy amount. Possibly catch up a bit on the large pile beside my bed.

-I shelve a uncomfortable amount of romance paperbacks at the library. This worries me. I also shelve a lot of self help type books. I could probably even tell you the call numbers, but why would you want them. Really, why would anyone want them. Self help book ruin intuition.

- This is a very long list.

-I should go to bed. Or start on my list of tasks. I'm almost done my advanced techniques class. I'm doing all but one project at home. Today, this morning I had this huge laminate board on my floor and I was dropping clay from my perch on my desk. It was fun. Then I made a cut out of "Le Chat Noir" Cat and wrapped it around a two litre pop bottle. There will be pictures as soon as it dries enough to stand up. Here's hoping it's structurally able to stand up on it's own.

- I'm excited by the possibilities of the public transit system and Daphne Gottlieb books, and the possibly combination of the two.

-Emily, I tried to call you tonight, because you sounded so miserable this morning and I really truly dialed your number while sitting on my bed and then the horrible operator voice said that the number I dialed was no longer in service. Ummm... why?

- I'm going now. For real.

- Goodnight

- I love you all.

"These are dangerous days, to say what you feel is to make your own grave." -Sinead O'Connor

It has become painfully obvious that I am no longer a "good girl."
A good girl would most certainly not be up at midnight on a school night.
A good girl would not be doing her math homework in front of the computer.
A good girl would not be singing along to Sinead O'Connors "Black Boys on Mopeds" at midnight while doing her math homework on the night before the unit test.

No, most definately I'm not a "good girl"

My interenet connection is "flakey" right now. So I believe I will be going to bed. Tomorrow is the last day of school before the teachers convention/family day break. It's very exciting. I plan to read an unhealthy ammount and finish all of the stuff I have needed to do for years.

I'd like to write something, like a novel or memoir or something, but I'm afraid my tragic attatude would just take over, and I don't want to make more tragic for the world.

Today, I talked with someone. It's probably one of the best things I've ever done. I understand a whole lot more now. I feel a whole lot better. I think the word to descibe it all is catharsis. For some reason that word has been floating around in my head lately.

I'm really really happy that someone finally told me what I needed to know. They didn't dance around, or discourage me based on everything that every other student has experianced.

I learned a lot about myself in the past week. Which is okay. I don't mind. I've had to deal with a lot of "issues" that I mostly just wanted to avoid the rest of my life. Obviously I can't do that, so I now know a lot about my past experiences and my current views of traditional schooling.

Azure Ray is singing Rise and the floaty style of it fits perfectly with my sleepy cathrtic mood.

It took me forever to get home on the bus. That's the only thing about staying afterschool later. It was fun though, and I love being alone but in a crowd of people. There was an adorable baby, she looked just like a Cabbage Patch Doll. The woman who I assumed to be her mother looked only a couple of years older than me. I felt really bad for her. Not bad that she had the baby or anything like that, but it just appeared that she was all on her own. It was really cold and she was only wearing a sweater, and she looked a bit lost.

Alas, I have to go do some balancing of equations. I'm sorry to everyone I've promised mail, I beginning to feel a bit redundant. Tomorrow on the way to school I'm going to specifically request to be dropped off near a mail box so I can send everything.

Rise

Today i'll crawl out of bed
I can't stand your shadow is too heavy to lift
Maybe we'll go for a ride
You said you'd take me nowhere
I said that suits me just fine
I know you've always been near
Whispering secrets i know i'm not supposed to hear
Hold your heart with two hands
Give it to me only to disappear
Look how low i've sunk
Don't ask me to rise
I'll only lose you when i'm high
All alone in the dark
Love survives only when we are apart
Your voice still sounds in my ears
Soft explosions that blossom with the beat of my heart

Azure Ray

Yesterday I bought a Kodak Instamatic 104 at the friendly neighbourhood Goodwill store. I bet you an infinate sum of money that it does not work. I'm going to try anyway. In anycase, I still have a funky looking camera to add to my collection of mostly broken camera's. My brother scowles at me, my father shakes his head.

I also bought a bunch of junk for my found art sculpture. I picked up a 60's style dress from the rack of mostly disgusting dresses and bought it for the sculpture. When I got home I tried it on and guess what, it looked as if it were specifically made to fit me. Crazy. Too bad it's absolutely hideous. I was intending to post pictures of my new dress and the camera, but they are all at home and I am at school. I have a sneaking suspicion that these early morning posts from my Comm. Tech. class will become a regular occurance.

I can't really feel the tips of my fingers, and the middle of my fingers, right by the knuckles are all tingly. I'm a bit worried due to all of the antihistimines/painkillers/all that other stuff, that's going through my system right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to your right, you will notice that the "Photos" have been abolished. It was too confusing/boring so I just put all of the photos on this site. Ta Dah! So, if you want to see all the photos that I did put on this site you can either a) scroll down/sift through archives to find them (because I put them in closer to the shooting date rather than all today)
or
b) Go find these dates specifically. (recommended.
-February 7, 2004
-February 1, 2004
-January 23, 2004
-January 19, 2004
-January 17, 2004
-January 09, 2004
-January 01, 2004
-December 25, 2004

Today was fine. The school part mostly sucked. Everything is not in any sort of routine yet, and so it all feels like I'm living in the flip side of things, where everything is not right. Math I just felt really panicky in.
After school I switched to applied math, and managed to yet again screw up my schedule entirely.
While in the guidance office I discussed several "alternative schooling options" with my counselor. We'll see how things go. I think I've determined that I'm going to, at some point in the next year and a half, take French 20 and 30 online.

I saw my grade nine English teacher in the guidance office. She is the same woman who took me to England and Scotland. It was nice to talk to her. I didn't get out of the school until three though. Then I rode the bus home and walked through crowds of loud rude catholic school students.

Then I stayed home and clung to my brother for a while, and told him he smelled like girl. And then I went and made stuff and it made me really really happy. I think that is going to become a Friday ritual. The making stuff, not the clinging to my brother.

Today was good. My room is a mess, my hands are eating the hand lotion like a sponge. My room, and the rest of the basement have been attacked by my splattered painting and my primary colors, and my newspaper and my film negatives and film canisters and it's all very chaotic. Tomorrow I will clean. And be a good girl.

I spent most of the evening doing various art projects. All are for my Advanced techniques sculpture class. This particular one, is supposed to be modelled after Viola Frey, except I don't really like the viola frey stuff. So I modelled it after Beth Carvner Sticher and I followed the rest of the given criteria. I love being able to do this sort of thing.

 

 

(one is a fetus bunny, one is a baby bunny, and one is a big bunny)

Okay, here's the scoop, or, What I've been doing

The new semester started on monday. I spent the day fighting off tears, because on every "first day" I become "that girl" the completely insecure, scared, (same generally temperament of an abused dog.) I sit in the front and count the minutes until I can go home, curl under the blankets and cry, eventually sleep.

Last semester was very successful, it appears that my, "ok, I'm not really going to put much effort into anything" plan worked. I got everything about 80% which is nice and cushy.

(First period) Comm Tech, proves to be just as slack as last year. We are modifying the newspaper format, and we have so far spent three days reading newspapers, and writing practice articles on our exam break. The teacher is just as spacey as ever, and despite asking to print photos on Monday, I have yet to do so. Gears are broken or something.

(Second Period) Sculpture 10. Another almost entirely brainless class. I've done four of the six projects at an earlier time, so, it seems stupid. I'm done one already, working on most of them at home, and hoping to finish them all soon and have a spare.

(Third Period) Third period began as the most hideously boring science 20 class in existence, with a teacher who resembles the father of Full House. It became my Pure Math 20 class. The teacher, has an interesting sense of humor... she doesn't quite understand why she's funny, and she's mostly scary funny, as math teachers tend to be. Scary. I feel like I'm drowning in the class. It's like swimming lessons and I just can't float. I've been telling people all day I might as well be in a German 30 class for all I understand. No one is listening, it doesn't look like I'll be switching to Applied any time soon. I spent roughly five hours on math today, three in class, two for homework. This seems insane to me. But whatever.

(Period 4) Science 20. This was originally a math class, in which the teacher talked faster than I could write, and I'm guessing her goal was to get through the entire unit in one day. I was in tears at one point. It became a decent Science 20 class, in which the teacher is nice, and speaks clearly and is very very calm, and the rest of the class is full of rather interesting people. I'm sure it will be fine.

Meanwhile, I've been looking at this school. I'm sure my unhealthy obsession is highly unlikely to develop into me switching schools, yet again. However it's not completely unlikely, because this tends to be a pattern with me.

All outside of school projects, including mailing, have been put on hold. I will send the zines I promised by Friday. Everything else might take a while.

I believe that is all.

I believe this is an appropriate "Squeeeeeee!" moment! I was just watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!!!! Heehee! It's awesome! And it's finally on the new non-snazzy channels so, squeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Hummm... what'd just tell you?

My father has flipped out and is now watching the superbowl with my brother (is it even on right now?) My mother who took over the making of dinner just told me to go cook the dinner because she has to make a call.

I haven't the slightest clue how to make spaghetti.

You can tell it's Sunday today. It's like the air changes and everyone has taken some kind of laughing gas in their inhalation. Mubby, is stressed to the max and starting projects while trying to finish others, baking bread and making cupcakes for my bother and I to go into tomorrow's lunch.

My Fappy is leaving empty beer glasses around the house, playing his centre of the universe game, where he pretends that he's king and therefore can do whatever he likes. This game usually results in him creating more projects for Mubby, making large messes, and complaining a great deal when we ask him to do something like make dinner.

Erik is also playing his centre of the universe game, but his is slightly different from Fappy's. He sit in front of a large screen either playing fast paced racing games, or watching anything but fast paces football games. He whines when we ask him to move... or simply go shovel. He purposely picks at everyone's scabs, seeing who will pay the most attention to him first. Usually it's me, because I have a very low sibling tolerance level.

The day usually ends with no one talking to anyone else, and today doesn't seem like much of an exception.

My mother's wonderful artist friend (same person with the woodstock pants fabric) gave me this hat a while ago, and at first I thought it was really silly, and "why would I want this hat?" and then I saw it when my mother was cleaning out her sewing room and I wore it all night. I think it might just be my new favorite hat.