Bullets.

I've been reading a biography about Andy Warhol. He fascinates me. He was so bizarre.

I'm noticing a lot of similarities between Andy Warhol, Tennessee Williams and Michael Alig. I'm not sure where the Michael Alig part came in, but it did. It's all very interesting.

Tomorrow I'm *hopefully* going to try to find some new clothes. I've miraculously outgrown/worn a lot of my springy clothing.

It's amazing how secure I feel when I listen to Ani.

I'm exhausted. I haven't been this tired in a while, physically tired. My poor father has given up feeding me. My diet baffels him.
"So tell me again, why can't you eat pizza?"
So yeah... tired, and cranky and really tired of treading water. I guess.

I never cried. And I don't think it's because I'm any less sad. It's probably the opposite. I think I'm just getting better at surpressing it. When I was a little kid and my mother would go on retreats I would scream my head off all while she was packing, and then for hours after she left. Dad would always have to bribe me to come out from underneath the couch.

Which explains in total and complete simplicity why I was so freaked out when my brother was born. She went away, and I was staying with.... a relative, I can't remember who, probably my Grandmother from New Brunswick. When they took me to visit the hospital there are family legends that I stuck my hand in a dish of butter. There are greater stories of far more truth involving me, and the fact that I screamed all the way from the hospital to my grandmothers house, which was a few blocks away, and then all day at my grandma's house, and then most of the night at home.

They all say I hated Erik. I don't think I actually registered that he existed until he came home. I just wanted my Mamma!

So I get up to see her off this morning. I didn't really sleep last night, because no one else slept last night, I don't think. They are gone for about a minute and I'm just standing drinking iced tea in the middle of the kitchen. I instinctively start cleaning it, even though I've only been up for ten minutes and haven't yet been able to actually make a mess.

Things are kind of messy now. My father is an asshole, which isn't new. My family is falling apart, which also isn't new. My family has been falling apart for what feels like eternity. I feel guilty because it's been falling apart forever, but it hasn't fallen apart entirely yet. It's like a piece of fabric, all of the threads keep unraveling but there are still more and it's just frayed a bit.

Every time I'm alone in the car with dad he complains about how much my mother annoys him. EVERYTIME. Every friggin' conversation I ever have with my father is based on the fact that my mother annoys him.

It's not my job to listen to him.

When ever I start to stand up for my mother, which usually I try to do after I let him vent for a while, he turns it all on me. It's my fault that he has to do so much house work. It's my fault my mother annoys him. Great. See, I told you, he's an asshole.

Anyway, he yelled at me on the five minute drive home today. He says I shouldn't work so much out side of the house. (I shall remind you now, he was the one who told me to get a job.) He was just yelling and yelling that I don't do my part around the house, and I'm the one who creates the junk and the mess and everything he hates. I walked into the house silently. Down the hall to the bathroom, because it was closer than my room.

I was making my ritual "after work Iced tea" and my mother came into the kitchen and asked me what happened and I just started bawling right there in the middle of the kitchen.

Then she went and yelled at dad, and dad yelled at her, and it was basically the same as it is everynight, except this time I could hear them and I was the reason that they were yelling and it just made me cry more.

Now, they both seem genuinely concerned with my wellbeing, as I don't typically cry in the middle of the kitchen. Dad popped in and was acting all "cutesy" and sickenly apologetic. My mother is worried that I will end up slitting someone's throat, or my wrists if she goes away on Friday, and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be part of this family unit anymore.

So, I've noticed, recently, that, every spring, or late spring usually, my hair gets shorter by several inches. Coincidence? I think not.
There probably won't be any pictures in the near future, or future at all, sorry, I don't feel like being a camera whore these days.
It's short... About three inches at longest, and one inch at the shortest bit. We'll leave it at that.

I'm busy, but not busy at all. I'm off to pick up my photos and I am so glad I have a double spare today. I'm way to fidgety to sit for prolonged periods of time.

I want to go to the airport and watch the airplanes take off and land. I was thinking it would be a good photo opportunity. I think it might kill me though. I feel as if I need to get away so desperately right now. I pause in front of the travel agencies in the malls, I stop and look at the travel books in the book stores, I flip through the travel books while I shelve them at the library.

It's probably because it's spring, and my mother is going away without me. I'm not good at that sort of thing, people going places without me. It seems as if everyone is doing that this spring.

This evening I bought FANTA!!!!!!!!!! Yep the yummy orange stuff that I became extremely addicted to while I was in the UK. (Brenna, It's at Jimmy's) Mmmmm... sooo orangey.

Dad: I want a new SUV.
Nova: What the hell for?
D: Cause I want a new one.
N: Dad, We're focusing on Pizza now.
D: Okay, lets order, get the phone and mom'll call.
Mom: Oh, so it's my job is it?
D:Well if a kid will fetch the phone then I'll call. *Looks at Nova expectantly*
N: What do I look like to you? I don't even eat Pizza!!!!!!!!!!

Geez... my family is so silly. My father is such a baby, it's getting ridiculous. My mother and I have inhaled something and are now simply rolling on the floor while Dad throws a temper tantrum. It's fun, my house is.

I've just had a veryveryveryvery bad past hour.

So I'm walking to the bus stop, the one on Tenth street, rather than 16 Ave, because I now make a habit of avoiding the Jr. High kids. It's incredibly windy outside, and my hip still hurts. It's a bit hard to walk and I'm worried about my hat blowing away so I take it off. I'm about 20 yards from the bus stop when I see drive by, okay, I say to myself, should I run, and catch the bus and possibly get home a bit earlier than usual, or do I wait for the next one, it's about 20 minutes away and my leg is hurting pretty bad. I decide to run. The bus is JUST pulling away as I run up beside it, so the bus driver stops cause he's the nice one, and not like the others who simply ignore us when we run. So I get on and sit down in an empty seat. At the next stop a guy, mid to late 20's, with braids in his hair and a pointy face like Snoop Dogg gets on and sits down beside. Alarmingly close to me, so much so that I can feel his butt next to mine. Eeeugh. Obviously this guy has no respect for personal space, and doesn't realize how poor my temper is. All goes on uneventfully for the next few stops, until it's my turn to get off.

There was a huge accident at the intersection I usually have to cross, and where the buss turns at. There were three police cars in the intersection as well as this tiny green car. There was very little space for traffic to move. So the bus driver opened the doors for us to get off before he turned, cause he does that sometimes. I got off, and followed this woman who was wobbling her way through the intersection, and the wind was blowing really hard by this point. I couldn't really see anything because my hair was blowing everywhere, and I was getting dust in my eyes and mouth.

I make it safely across the street but I still have to cross again to get to my side of the street, I wait for the walk like, unlike the wobbly woman who just walks through the cars, almost causing an accident herself, then the walk light turns, but the cars that are turning and crossing the cross walk I'm on keep coming, but there's cars coming from two directions now and I'm in the middle of it. I almost got hit, by two different cars at the same time. By that point I was near tears, from the sand and from the cars.

I finally manage to get safely across the intersection and start limping towards my house, it's about two blocks away from the whole mess, and when I've gone one block I realize that I am no longer holding my hat. That was the breaking point I suppose. My hip was shooting pains up my back, my mouth and eyes were full of dust, I was almost in an accident AND I lost my new hat. I started crying, and I cried while I walked through the school yard, and I'm sure most of the parents who were picking up their children probably though I was right mental.

I can't believe how crappy everything got in less than an hour.

Last night I fell asleep full of love. That probably sounds weird doesn't it? Anyway, I was all curled up under my manymanymany covers, and I had my head propped up on my doggie, and I just felt full of love, and happy, and completely content. Which was nice, because I fell asleep easily and my insomnia seems to be going away.

I think it's weird, this is the first time in a really long time that I've felt this way. I felt this way a lot last year around this time, but I had someone then, and I don't now, so I don't know where all of this love is coming from. I think it's just this invisible warm haze around me.

I think I'm absolutely insane.

Do you ever want to do something, completely in the moment, and then you don't, cause you're too shy, or awkward or scared. But then you think about it constantly for the next few days, finally resolving to do it the next time the opportunity arises. But then it's too late, and you will never be in the same situation again.

And then you can't get it out of your head? It plays over and over for weeks, and then it sort of goes away. But then, later, months later, years, it pops up again. And you're full of regret.

Tonight was filled with Metric. Which is WONDERFUL.

Ya know what! My friend Jessica, who is brilliant, and I love her bunches, wrote a song, and recorded it and then sent it to me within hours. I listening to it on repeat for a good hour. It's a seven minute song, so I didn't really listen to it THAT many times. But anyway, I'm just telling you now, that you should expect to see her everywhere in the near future, because she is amazing.

Alkynes confuse me. I think it's cool that my Science teacher is an English major. But I don't think it is cool how I have no idea how to name Alkynes, or what an Alkyne is for that matter.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 7:30 while watching the Virgin Suicides on my couch. I woke up at nine, took my drugs, fixed the internet for erik and went to bed. Asleep by 9.30, didn't wake up until 9.30 this morning. I am soooo happy I finally got some sleep. It's a wonderful feeling. Now I feel somewhat like doing stuff. Like studying for my Chemistry Unit final that I have to write on Monday. And replying to the 35 e-mails in my inbox that I haven't yet replied to. One from my aunt I got back on December 17th. Man...

So yeah, things are slowly getting better as the ammount of sleep I get increases. The new drugs are shitty though. Search for a new doctor begins on Monday. I'm also hoping that I can go to Inside Out on monday night. But I probably won't.

I came home and made a cake. It's a "Congratulations on getting the job!" cake. It's for my father.

My mother bought bagels. I'm so tired. Going for a nap.

Today, a teacher of mine told me that I was his sanity. That I should never leave, because then he wouldn't have a reason to come to work each day. He said I looked miserable. He said he bet I couldn't wait to go to the new school. I said yes. And I wanted to cry. Not because I have to leave, but because I am leaving primarily because of all of the other kids in the class, and how they are destroying perfectly good humans. They destroyed all of the camera's, then they moved on the to 1hr photo machine. Then it was the computers, the paper cutter, the light tables. Now they are destroying the teacher.

I wish that kids would see that their teachers are human. I don't think they understand that. I think they feel as if it's Charlie Brown and the teachers aren't really living breathing people.

It's incredibly frustrating.

But when he said "I bet you can't wait to leave this place." and I didn't even have to consider my response before I replied with "It won't be soon enough." I don't think I really mean that, I'm enjoying working on the Drama stuff, and now, there are a couple of teachers who smile at me in the hallway, even if the number of peers who smile at me dwindle by the hour. It's bearable.

...

On a side note. I went to the doctor's this morning. He gave me a headache and some new drugs. I'm very, very tired of it all. I hate him. I hate how he dismissed everything I say. I hate how he thinks that my mother is crazy. I hate how my mother is crazy. I mostly hate not knowing what the rest of my life will look like, regarding health. I am absolutely terrified that I will be 25, 30, 35, 40, and I'll still be sick like this. I'm scared that I won't ever feel like a normal person. I used to hate the word 'normal' because it's everything I'm not.

It's late, and today I wanted to be a puppet, so that someone else could hold my head up, and some one else could be responsible.

Where Do I Begin
"Sunday morning I'm waking Up
Can't even focus on a coffee cup
Don't even know who's bed I'm in
Where do I start
Where do I begin"

I am going to make another zine. Simply for the fun of it. I still have a bunch. If ANYONE wants one I can send them. I'm hoping to exploit more of the Comm Tech resources, because that's my specialty.

I am cleaning my room, I came home early from school to clean my room. Why? Because it's part of the problem, or I'm making it part of the problem because I can fix this part by coming home early.

As for the resounding "fffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. fuck." on Saturday afternoon. I had a mental breakdown after my brother wouldn't stop berating me in the absesnce of parents. I finally had enough with the MANYMANYMANY years of almost constant verbal abuse, so I attacked him with my feet. I tried to kick him down the stairs because I was frantic and it was absolutely nessaceary that I make him shut up that instant. Alas, he did not go flying down the stairs like I wanted. Instead he now has a lovely bruise on his hip the size and shape of my foot. I haven't talked to him since, and he hasn't talked to me. So, for now, that part is fixed too.

As for any of you who have looked at my quizzically and asked "How are you? or "Are you alright?" and I've answered with some sort of diverstion. Well, things are messy. I think that's the best way to put it. My health problems are now much bigger than me. I don't have a grasp on them. I'm scared to be alone, ever, I don't sleep at night anymore, or very much.
So yeah... I'm not so good, but things will be okay eventually.

Or so I keep telling myself.

Because I simpy do not have the patience to glue two very smooth surfaces (ie. aluminium) together, the pop can project has been abandoned.

For concert details, ask Brenna. Her version is the best, because she was conscious the entire time. No kidding.

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. fuck.

Can you guess what this is?

 

 

My mother makes me want to cut off all of my hair just in spite of her. She fears my scar, she fears that everyone will see that she was a Bad Mother. She chastises me for my opinion of art, and this artist in particular. When I said, that "In a different lifetime, she would probably be a friend of mine," mom completely flipped out, just because I have a different opinion. Apparently my opinion is "not characteristic of my personality."

It's a good thing I don't act out of spite.

Em, you inspire me to make a life for myself that I actually enjoy!

And so this is the plan.

This upcoming weekend I am very excited about! It will play out as follows:
Friday 1:45, take the bus to the UofC and go to the Nickel Arts Museum to view some sort of display. I believe it is a found art show but I'm not entirely positive.

Then walk over to Blockbuster and rent some movies one of which will be Party Monster, possibly. Then go home and watch them, hopefully if everything works out Bren will accompany me.

Saturday, nothing until the evening, so I plan to chill and possibly finish up some art stuff. Nothing major though, and definitely no shoe shopping. Then in the evening I am going to go to the Broken Social Scene/The Stills/ Raising the Fawn concert at MacEwan Ballroom with Brenna. It will be very very cool. And it will beour first no parents concert.

Sunday will be sleeping in and then going to see The Triplets of Belleville with my mother in the afternoon. In the evening if all goes as planned I shall visit with my girls A & B and I will watch them eat ice cream I hopefully I won't have to perform any heroic medical acts.

I am very excited.

Meanwhile, I glazed today. It was fun, I can't wait to see how it all turns out! I think my rabbits are going to be the best of all the projects I did.

I'm listening to Anthems for a 17 year old girl by Broken Social Scene and trying to decided between showering or building a city. I'll keep you posted.

I've taken to squeaking, in a rather loud high pitched way. I think it means excitement. Anyway, I watched This Is Wonderland tonight. I adore that show.

I didn't go to school today, so I stayed home and slept 16 hours, with a brief waking period from 7:30 till 9. It was lovely. Trouble is, I was home due to extreme dizzyness and neasua. Fun stuff. I did manage to read an entire book this afternoon. The Year of Secret Assignments by Jaclyn Moriarty. It was very entertaining! That was fun.

I think I'll go to bed soon.

This is my eye. I was crying again tonight, so I figured I'd try to get the tear drops on film like they do with little kids wearing pearls and babies with calm faces. It didn't work, and it looks very strange, but here it is anyway.

Meanwhile, I think I need to talk to someone, not a counselor, and not my doctor, and not my mother. Any suggestions?

Also, does anyone know anything about Alesse? Should I be worried about it's side effects, most of which I seem to have now? Should I really be sick every night like this?

Anyway, I exploded tonight and I don't really feel any better, actually I kind of feel worse. Anyway. Some help would be nice. And a life, but I'd settle for some help.