It's just me. I'm 18 now. Not much has changed. I'm still anti-social while longing for a social life. I am still not even looking at my english homework which happens to be due tomorrow and will somehow be done for tomorrow. My room is still horrendously messy.

Today I swapped bottoms with Twiggy. By bottoms I mean; She was up in the tree and needed to get down and she was wearing very short black skirts, which made it difficult, and I was wearing pants. Personally I think Shannon just wanted to see me get naked in a public setting... Anyway, long story short after some fidgeting and a little grunting I was in her skirt and she was in my pants.... that wasn't supposed to sound dirty.

This all happened in CommTech. I'm pretty sure one of the english teachers, and the GSA teacher is now quite worried about all of our safety since we told her about Mr. Burnette at lunch. He brought it on himself.

My mother just invited me to go outside and blow bubbles... so I guess I won't be working on the monologue just yet.

Big Talker - The Murmurs

My inbox has been a hive of celebrity correspondence. By celebrity I mean humble local celebrities. Which doesn't make much of a differece to me, if anything I love them more for it, I just didn't want you to get all excited.

The big names among the list include; Laura Vickerson, Jenny Allen, Denise Clark, and Andy Curtis. Dude, I think this is so cool.

The last couple of weeks I've been painfully aware that I am exactly where I need to be for this year. It's developing into one of the best school years I've ever had, and considering my expectations, that's a miracle. I am really, really happy.

That being said, I am stressed. I went to the dentist today with the intent of having three cavity's filled. [I won't get into the fact that I brush and floss at least twice a day and they just keep coming!] I was all ready, I was talking to the dentist who is by far the sweetest person I've met. She always remembers that I love books and we have these awesome conversations about what I'm reading because she has usually read it as well.

So she put in the first bit of freezing. Leaves me for about ten minutes, I feel a bit shakey but I listen to Ani and I calm down by the time she comes back. You see, I hate needles of any kind but when they are put into my mouth I HATE it. but it was all good, then she decides she needs to "top it up" okay fine I won't feel anything, or so I think, she sticks the needle in my mouth and I can vaiguely feel it but it doesn't feel bad, then she hits the nerve on the bottom of my jaw and I scream. I start crying but I get ahold of myself after a minute or two, so they commense, they start drilling the top of my mouth which is only half frozen and I scream again. Then they say "were going to have to top this one up too" and I bolt up and start sobbing. My mother back from grocery shopping at this point, and expecting to take me home finds me in the absolute worst state. I can't even talk I'm so distraught.

Anyway, I get calmed down, takes a half an hour this time. But I'm able to allow them near me again, and they finish the one tooth that is sucessfuly frozen and then repace the seal on the top tooth they started.

Then I get the brilliant idea to go back to school. I think in my subconscious I thought that going to english would make it better because I love it so much and i'd been looking forward to it all day. I got back to school a while before english so I sat in the pit with Mr. Jobb and Marina a we talked about books and I lounged with my head under my hood and I felt really good. Then I went to english, and the freezing started coming out of my mouth. Oh man. I felt so terrible. I stayed underneith my hood the whole class, much to the delight, or maybe horror of my teacher. I was able to laugh at it though.

Work, to say the least was unbearable. But I stayed. Now I must finish some of my interview prep, and homework and get ready to go off on my fabulous birthday weekend retreat the the condo.

Adieu!

I know what I should be doing [making up interview question for Laura Vickerson] and what I want to be doing [sleeping] and what I have been doing [messing around with te program graphic.]

What am I doing? Life is flying by.

I am on page 100 of Grapes of Wrath, go me. In other news; I saw In Klezskavania this evening. It was indeed the "Gothic, Gypsy, Rock, Opera" It was also fabulous. Inspiring and uplifting. Exactly what I needed. For further details go to the art blog.

Over and out.

Beautiful - Laurelle

Wow. I seem to have actually put every uncomfortable thing behind me and I'm just moving forward. It works well with me. The new plan, to get out and do stuff without worrying about the trivial aspects of it, guilt free, has definitely made my life better.

Last Sunday I dragged my mother to The Merchant of Venice. Good ol' Al was in it. He was fabulous. The rest of it had me thinking about it for a few days. Definitely worth the time.

On Tuesday my mom's friend Trea had some free tickets to Marion Bridge at ATP. It was so amazing. I was so happy to see it. It opened with the sounds of the ocean. I know what the ocean sounds like, on tapes and stuff. I had a baby's lullaby's tape of Pachbels Cannon when I was little and it had the ocean on it, sea gulls and waves and wind. I can't actually remember what it sounds like when I'm there. When I'm standing in the ocean I don't notice the sounds. Yet when I'm back in the flat prairies and I hear a seagull, or the wind, or a recording of the ocean I get all nostalgic and homesick. The whole play made me homesick. I loved it. For two hours I was there, in the Maritimes, and when it was over I wiped away tears as I stood and applauded. Not because it was sad, it was beautiful and emotional, but because it was over. The people on stage representing my family, were not going to continue the act. I don't really know what I'm getting at with this. My thoughts are getting harder to put a voice too. All I really know is that for a little bit I was back in the middle of it all and I wasn't so far away.

I went and saw it again today. I had too, I needed that feeling just once more. After this I'll have to be alright with the distance.

Last night I went to a benefit concert to raise money to go to Africa and help with the AIDS atrocity. It was far better than I expected. My mothers group, who were opening were embarrassingly bad. However, all of the other acts were much better than I expected. Most of the crowd was between 20 and 35 or so. I felt a little cooler that I was there, and pretended that I had nothing to do with my mothers group. The last girl performing last night was also a hula-hoop dancer. She was singing as well, it was quite fantastic. She was definitely in the same league as Feist and the like. I bought her CD, which unfortunately only has five songs, however, I've been listening to those five songs over and over again. Her name is Laurelle and she's from Red Deer. Go figure.

I have decided, well I decided this last night while I was watching my mother and her floundering group, that the crack down begins today. I know I've been saying this a lot lately. And I know that I haven't really held up my end of the bargain. However, from now on I'm doing everything the the very best of my ability. Who stays that I can only do one thing really well, and because I do many things I do them all not very well? I'm done thinking like that. I can be fantastic at anything I do and the only reason why I'm not currently fantastic is because I do everything with the lazy attitude that I find so comfortable.

The crack down starts now, as they say.

The Fates - Flowers & Things [yes, I seem to be stuck in some sort of time warp where I only play three different CD's over and over again for weeks.]

What am I doing? Is it weird that I write to do list for everything? Most of the stuff doesn't get crossed off, it's either an on going thing, or simply impossible. I am officially on page 10 of Grapes of Wrath. I'm having issues with it. They will pass. On my list it says 'shower,' it also says 'forage for lunch.' Is that acceptable.

What should I be doing? I should be e-mailing artists regarding my interviews/survey. I should be draft the design of my tide box, but you know how it goes. It's so big that I don't know where to start, or where to go from here.

I just don't know where to go from here. That seems to be the theme today, yesterday, probably tomorrow.

My grandparents bought their plane tickets to come to my grad. I cried when I found out. I didn't think they would actually come. I miss them, and my whole family so, so, much.

Spring is good. I was reading Othello in English today and things didn't seem quite so dire due to the sun shining on my face.

My mother just announced that she and I are going to Marion Bridge tomorrow evening with her best friend, and possibly her daughter. Voila! Oh I am happy.

Also, I saw bus girl today. She was wearing a fluorescent green/yellow fleece jacket and it was all very exciting.

It's all very exciting.

Kinnie Starr - Dreaming

The other day at work, during a particularly quiet lull, my co-worker, ACAD student, David reinacted the entire convience store scene from Ghost World, he pretended to be the different characters and made all of the various voices.

He is my hero.

So, the plan is, vaigue. Very vague. But I think, that I will just go with it, do the french, because I want to be less confused when I visit Montreal in the fall. ( Does this make sense to you or am I just really talking to myself?) Otherwise, I will just deal with school now, have a lot of fun, in these the final months of highschool, and then I'll deal with the large unknown future.

I realized today, that if I don't go to unversity it won't be the end of my life. It won't even be a step down from what I want. All I want is to be happy, I don't need to go to the best school in the country, I don't need to leave my home, I don't need to become a successful career woman to be happy. I just need to love what I'm doing. And if what I need to do to love what I'm doing is go to SAIT or ACAD or Mount Royal, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. And in time I will realize what it is that will make me happy in the long term.

In the short term, tomorrow I have double commtech, so I can get caught up on all the crap I've been letting slip. It's beautiful outside, my mother and I are going to go see The Merchant of Venice today, in the hopes that it will inspire me to read the rest of Othello.

In the next couple of weeks i plan to attend: In Klezskavania, Marion Bridge, Humble Boy, Anomaly at lunch box theatre. Last time I was at the epcore centre there was this thing, that I vaiguely remember, about Gothic dance, something or other... it could have very well been In Klezskavania, or not, but if you know anything about it and would like to inform me I'd be thirlled. Also if anyone would like to accompany me to any of these events my mother would be thrilled. She is very not into going places, and I am very into going, in fact, I may spend every free evening I have from now until the end of april going out. Yes, good plan?

Sigh. I feel better. All around better.

I figured I should check in. This week has been the type of week I used to have. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I believe I spent more time sleeping this week than being awake. I started tearing up at work on Wednesday night, reasons unknown.

I skipped school yesterday, which was probably for the best, I woke up at seven, felt like I was minutes from death, woke again at nine thirty believing that someone set off a nail bomb in my abdomen. I fell asleep, after lying on the couch for a good couple of hours. I was going to go back to school at two thirty for English, but I didn't wake up from my nap until quarter to four, just in time to go to work again.

The new guy at work is strange. He is the geeks accountant type. He like Bruce Springsteen. Bleck.

Things are going fine otherwise. My English mark is slipping and I'm not sure why. I have to work tomorrow and I do not want too, but I will preoccupy myself with the idea of going to a party tomorrow night. I figure I should at least make an appearance at the Pride Rainbow Project 500ft party, one, because it's something I genuinely support, and two, because I need to get involved in a community that unconditionally accepts me.

Speaking of acceptance, I went to an Acadia information session tonight. Much to my delight it was the parallel opposite of the UofC information session at school. I feel MUCH better about going to university now. I still have no direction, but I know that nearly everything I've been told by guidance counselors is a pack of lies. Which makes me feel less horrible about myself.

I need commtech projects, so if you want posters, buttons, note pads, t-shirts, (but I would either prefer that they are one colour or not at all) or anything I might be able to make with the various materials we have let me know. I'm up for anything at this point.

I'm off to watch Monster.

Alright - Kinnie Starr

Oh man.
It's like three million degrees of niceness outside. The kind of niceness that inspires me to do yard work. I want to be out, in every sense of the word. Today all of my clothes are color coordinated. They all fit together nicely. I'm wearing my Combat Baby t-shirt. Which makes me happy.

Life is good, you know? I feel horribly transitionary though... there are three months of school left and then I'm nothing. There's nothing. Which means there are an infinate number of possibilites avaliable to me. I could be anything in three months.

I was stumbling around the internet at two in the morning the other day and I fell upon the Murmurs. I used to listen to them back in my girl rock, Letters to Cleo days. I've been listening to their song Genius from Blender.

I'm also becoming moderately obsessed with Kinnie Starr.

Anyway, things are good, school is coming up, and I'm nearly caught up/ahead of everything, so that makes me feel good about going back. Plus, I've had a fairly uneventful spring break consisting of staying up till three cleaning, and working and sleeping in till noon and then laying around until I either go to work or get motivated to do something.

Oh man. It's spring. This feels so good.