I am trying to improve though.

I went to my first funeral today. It rained today, I got really wet on the way home. I'll never wear a poppy the same way again. I want to be a terrific person, but I feel chained to something awful, and today, I feel like I am a ghost or a zombie or something without much soul or body to move about with. I don't know why.

Things are sad.

But things are also happy, and I am trying to get the sadness and the happiness to mingle amongst each other so I can get over the girl and go out again with another pretty girl some time, and I wish that I was not so lonely.

I still feel like I took to much of some drug and I'm still in a coma, ever since the hospital night. The only thing I've been able to find any sort of closure on was Nichola's death, via funeral.

I still do not believe that it's all over. The awful of the past month just feels like dream, a horrific dream. It's one of the dreams I used to have when I was a kid and I would wake up sobbing because the dream was just so sad and so broken.

Everything just feels broken and I don't think I've had much fun, or much sleep.

Music: I am listening to everything but I keep coming back to Iron & Wine and the CD Our Endless Numbered Days.

Let's Amaze the World.

In my absense I have become a collector. I don't know what it is about change, about feeling like a pin ball, about trying to overcome catastrophically bad events that makes me this way, but I have become an obsessive.

This month has been bad, but I'm on drugs and they seem to be doing what I'm paying them to do. Things feel okay.

I keep thinking that maybe this month isn't so bad. Maybe I just feel okay because everything is okay.

Maybe.

But I keep collecting. Music, books, movies, art supplies, web pages, online comics, bookmarks [both the online and the paper kind]and plans in my day timer.

I come home from work almost every day with some new toy that I have no use for and really souldn't have purchased, but I need it none the less.

Maybe I'm nesting.

I've also not produced anything of any great merit in a long time. I was rereading the zine I made as an extracredit english project in grade 11, and it's pretty cool. I want to make something cool like that.

So, there's lot to look forward to, A summer train adventure, future craft parties, hanging out at work with awesome people reading. Discovering a new band everyday. [and so far it's working.]

I'm going to try to get all of this uploaded onto a new livejournal, and then maybe carry on with the lj community as well.

Alright, who wants a mix tape?

I've become horrible disconnected in my though, which might be the root of my creation issues.

I'm going to fix the blog up too, poor thing,horribly outdated.

I have got to go home.

Last night the wind blew and I rolled over with Jason Collett in my head.

Did I tell you I'm becoming a music expert? It's hard work. Between reading the articles on Pitchfork, and keeping up with the music blogs, and checking the playlists of local radio stations, plus the playlists of hit tv shows [cough, Grey's anatomy and the O.C. because I can still learn about new things! Cough!]and trying to track down songs and CD's and trying to remember my library barcode and then running to the library to retrieve CD's, [bumping into their impressively large adult graphic novel collection along the way] and then actually sitting down and listening to the CD's. Oh boy. Life is hectic. Starting anything with a new format and dedication is always tough though, so I'm going to keep at it. Maybe it'll pay off one day, until then, I know what's going on, and I know what I like and what I don't like, and I have opinions, and knowledge and useless trivia, and when someone says what do you think of Antony and the Johnson's I can say that I think it is amazingly well put together, and that it sound beautiful, and that my favorite song so far is "You Are My Sister."

It's really hard only having one day off in a row, especially when one spends the whole day doing laundry, and not even finishing because one has so much clothing one doesn't really need to do laundry for two and a half weeks, and even then one didn't need to do the laundry, except for the lack of underwear issue, and the lack of a proper dirty clothes hamper to contain two and a half weeks of clothes.

This is life my friends.

Music: Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! - Over and Over Again (Lost and Found) [I particularly like this song.]