I have been back for a couple of days now. On thursday I had the "I shouldn't have come home, I should be looking for a job and an apartment" moment. I spent a good portion of that day alternating between crying and fighting with my mother. That evening I went out to visit Rene. I wish I could say that it made me feel better, I know he tried and I appreciate it. I just don't fit into the same old roles I had when I left. I couldn't relate to most of what Rene was talking about. I spent most of the time thinking to myself, how did I give him the impression that I am that girl?

Anyway. It's becoming painfully obvious that I need both a job and a cat. I'm perfectly happy hanging out on my own, but my family and I seem to be at odd as to how to get along.

It feels really good though, to fly back into a place that you've lived your entire life and not thing "It's good to be home." or "I missed being here." It's good to feel, for me, that there will be no love lost when I leave this place.

I've also come to the dramatic conclusion that I will get an education anywhere, I will get a job from that education so, why not enjoy the experience in some place thay I enjoy? So in short, I'm not taking advice from people anymore, except, if you have creative ideas for what I can do with an English degree, let me know.

Music: Metric - Poster of a Girl

It hit me right in the pit of my stomach around two o'clock. I was standing in my closet trying to figure out why it felt so uncomfortable while I was tossing out stuffed animals left and right. I made a horrible mistake. It's one of those mistakes that you kind of know you're making, but you don't see any way to reverse your actions, and then it takes a couple of days before it really sinks in and the you're standing in your closet sobbing.

I should never have left Halifax.

I don't fit into my old life, it's gone. I abhor the idea of building a new life in an environment that I have never truly felt comfrotable in. And my mother has stopped talking to me.

I don't know what I can do now, except get a job, [preferably one that keeps me out of the house,] magically aquire Pure math 30, and move to Halifax as soon as I can logically afford it.

Oh god. What have I just started? Why did I come home?

Music: The Stills - Lola Stars and Stripes

I have so much junk. I think, I've officially reached pack rat status. However, as of next friday I hope to have that annoying habit remedied. It's one of those everything must go weeks. Creative ideas as to how I might dump a large quantity of beanie babies would be most helpful.

I'm also slightly reorganizing my wall decorations. They will be as chaotic, if not more so, than they have previously been, but I don't think it's chaotic, everythings straight and lined up, it's really quite organized.

As for settling back into life out here... I'm not sure how it's going to work. I'm trying to keep everything as temporary as possible. I'm also developing the typical Alberta snark. I am not pleased.

Metric - Empty

"Lord lord mother we are all losing love
Lord listen lover we are all missing mama."

There's nothing like a rock concert to totally wipe you off your feet. As per usual, [and disregarding quality and similarity to past music] the astounded me. I adore Metric, there is no need for me to repeat myself, except to say. Sex appeal does a lot of good when you're a musician.

I have arrived at the intended destination. THis is an I am safe and sound and have retunred to my place of orgin, with the usual vow not to get on another airplane until I actually have the valium in my system. Nothing has changed since I was here last, except that there seems to be more stuff in my room. A slightly more detailed post, when I can form a cohent sentance.

So I've been freaking out a bit lately, bordering on complete total hysterics. I hate it, but I know why. I hate being emotional, I hate getting attached to people and places. I hate that the place that I live has never really been "home." Regardless, I'm heading there tomorrow, after two months away. I realized the other day that nothing is ever going to be the same ever again. I left my life behind as a high school student, part time job, feeding family. All of my friends have taken off, the comfortable escape of the drama kids doesn't exist anymore.

So what did I do? I e-mailed someone who is typically quite logical when it comes to my hysteria. Of course, like always she said the one sentence that I needed to hear. "You can create the life you want..." So, if I want to go home, work my ass off until I can move away, well by god that is what I'm going to do.


On a semi unrelated note, I LOVE HALIFAX. I am having an absolutely fabulous time here. Obviously I don't want to leave, and if I didn't have a plane ticket home and a metric concert to attend, I would probably be looking for a job right now.

Highlights include a peanut butter hamburger, ice cream and Gilmore girls, cramming driving, and last night, all of it. [All of it involves amazing Thai food, and a play at the Neptune theatre that was very "Lovely Bones" I'm sure there will be a review as soon as I land on my feet.]

Love.

So finally, web based research! There is an amazing list of decent to excellent looking movies coming out around now. I've been seeing snippets of things on the tv and what not, but there's nothing like actual movie webpages. So, the list, that keeps growing:

Elizabethtown, apparently it's supposed to be quite a bit like Garden State. Cameron Crowe directed it, and we all know of my love of Almost Famous.

Thumbsucker, simply because I read the book, and I haven't yet forgotten that I read it. That means, that either I enjoyed it, or it was disturbing. Either way, the movie looks interesting.

Everything Is Illuminated, one of the funniest books I have ever read. It is based around a really interesting and intricate story too, so I'd love to see how that works on film.

There's many more, far too many more. As luck would have it, Gilmore Girls has moved to Tuesday nights, so I can reinstate my friday movie night tradition.

And I haven't even begun to think about the soundtracks!!

Music: Bring That Thing - Harry Manx

Wanna play a game? Okay! Guess where I am! Ready! Go! Okay here's a hint, I'm not at home yet, but I'm not in New Brunswick either. Yup, you guess it. I found my way back to Halifax. It's fabulous here. I'm here until next tuesday, when I will procede to make my way home.

I don't have a whole lot to say, my cousin Nicole is absolutely fabulous, she bought me some soy yogurt. [It's extrememly difficult to find dairy substitutes in New Brunswick.]

Yesterday I exchanged my headphones that I bought in Moncton a couple of weeks ago, they didn't connect properly or something and sounded terrible. The new ones seem to be working, they got me here. The bus ride was completely uneventful, it rained most of the way. Turuo smelled like dog food.

I think I'm just going to hang out today, take advantage of the quiet and hopefully get into a book. I'm going to find something to do tomorrow.

Yesterday was interesting. I went to work with my aunt at the Falls Brook Centre. It's an organic farm, and people can volunteer to work there, and they live there. They are very big on sustainable living, solar panels and windmills. My aunt is the cook there. I spent from 9 in the morning till 6 in the evening helping to prepare food for a confrence on Organic Food Inspection. I made 36 muffins. Chopped kale. Stirred and stirred and stirred soup. It was fun, but exhausting.

I don't know what I'm doing, because no one has any idea what they are doing from one day to the next. Ideally I'd like to go somewhere that I've never been before, or experience something that I've never experienced before, 'cause that's what I'm out here for.

Sadly, I'm ready to go home. I think it's partially not doing anything, and partially because I've been away, in a state of constant motion, for two months. I have things that need to be done at home, and I have people I want to see at home. Mom and I have started schemeing about the spring. We're going to try to get some family up to fernie for a holiday. We're, of course expecting it to not work out, but if we don't do anything, it really won't work.

Also, I'm ready to re-do my blog layout/template. That's one of my first tasks upon my arrival home.

Love.

Oh boy am I ever glad that the CBC is back. Since arriving at my grandparents house the TV has been on all the time, to various news broadcasts across the country. I loathe watching televised news. However, I like having a vaigue idea as to wether or not the world will explode tomorrow.

That and, "This Is Wonderland" will be back.

Last night I went to visit some friends with my mother. They are fabulous people. It doesn't matter that I really haven't a clue who they are, I got a great big hug from both Jimmy and Pauline upon barely entering their home. We proceded to laugh for a good four hours, then we came home, and I slept until noon today, which was fabulous. Today is a much better day-ish.

Matt Andersen - When My Angel Get the Blues

It appears that when combined with not enough sleep, stressful mother, and looming PMS, I am emotionally unstable, and thus, very grumpy.

I think I'm ready to go home. I wish my mother would either stop complaining about being stuck here doing nothing, or actually take up one of my more than rational suggestions for the next two weeks. Apparently, driving somewhere, anywhere, is like walking across a bed of hot coals in her mind. I either need to get on a bus, or find a good book.

On a brighter note, I've had the above song stuck in my head for the past two days. It's a really pretty song, I keep listening to the CD, as well as other CD's to try to remove the song from my head, but apparently it's not going anywhere.

Send me e-mail, I'm bored.

I figured today was worth a blog entry. Today was the day that I decided that I need to be on the east coast for a while. A long while. Maybe a lifetime long. Who knows? What I do know, is that the next time I come out here, I will be calling it home, real home, where my bed is, and the place that I have stuff, not just the place where my family is.

This conclusion was provided by the painful day of saying goodbye to a bunch of my fabulous family. I spent most of the morning crying, and then most of the afternoon sleeping. It's painful. 95% of my life thus far has been seriously lacking in family. People who share my genes, who understand my family. I even noticed this time around that I am quite a lot like one of my cousins, and I'm not like anyone, usually.

So it's early to bed for me, and in the morning, I'm going to decide what I'm going to do with the remaining two weeks. I was reading one of the advertizement cards that I picked up in Halifax, all about the Halifax Pop Explosion. It looks exactly like the WCMA's that I volunteered at last year, and was essentially the most memorable part of last year, except better. [I am sorry I'm not making any sense, I am so exhausted.] Part of me wants to be in Halifax for it next Saturday, because really, it's just about the coolest thing I could possibly be around for, [It sounds even better than Pop Montreal did.] Part of me doesn't want to make a burden of myself on my more than hospitable cousin and her husband, and I'm not sure that I want a repeat of this morning in a weeks time.

I also have nothing to do in the next few weeks, and all I know is that there is no way I can stay here. I'm thinking there will be a road trip of some description in my future.

Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan

"If I could open my mouth wide enough for a marching band to march out..."

I feel extremely uncomfortable. I have no idea why, or what it is. I am back in Four Falls. I should explain that, to me, four falls consists of about four houses, one being my Grandparents, the then the next closest house is too far away to see from here.

I think, I just loved Halifax, and being away from my mother so much, that being back is a bit of a shock. As I've mentioned, I believe, I find my mother a very stressful person to be around. I'm not sure why, because none of the others are. It's so loud here, most of the noise coming from her, or the tv, or Grampy, or the dynamite blasts from across the field.

I don't want to go home. I've had a couple of offers of long term beds. I pretend that they are not really serious, cause it would be so easy for me to stay here, and never go back to Calgary. I do miss Brenna, and being around people my own age. However, as much as I have planned for this winter, nearly all of it is transferable, and for the first time in my life I'm getting along with my brother.

Anyway, I'm sure my father would start crying if I decided to stay here. Plus, I have a Metric concert to go too, and I am once again poor.

I like having something to work towards though, I haven't had any sort of direction for such a long time. It's nice, know that I love places, I love people and I feel good some places.

I'll just have to remember that for the next two weeks, and try not to freak out too much.

So you know how much excitement everyone was expecting me to have in Montreal? Well I had even more fun in Halifax. Firstly, go google Matt Andersen. He is absolutely amazing. We went to see him in a little bar in Halifax last night. I was close enough to him to watch how he played his guitar and wow!

Secondly, one of the people I was with, who shall for privacy sake remain nameless, except to say that it wasn't Nicole, was drinking large bucket sized glasses of Hoegaarden beer. Five of them, and then a martini. Guess who drove home? Not that person, not the other one, yup, me. Ignoring the long list of rules I'd be breaking, I drove home, it was so much fun. The first time anyone's let me drive a car in a long time. I like driving. So that was fun. I was not drinking, by the way, which was what allowed me the nomination of designated driver. The night ended with a lot of puke, work in the morning for everyone but me, and I'm sure, quite horrifying hangovers.

Horrible you may say, absolutely fucking fantasictly exciting I say.

Last night was so much fun. I've seen a side of Nicole that I don't think I've ever seen before. She was doing the hand jive for heaven sakes! Dancing to Mustang Sally! That's the most enthusiastic I think I have ever seen her!

Anyway, my point is, I'm glad I was there for that, I'm glad it happened, [minus the puke.]

Music: Metric - Poster of a Girl

Nevermind. I'm only at track five and I love it.

Music: Death Cab - I Will Follow You Into the Dark

If you have not yet bought into the fabulous pop sensation Death Cab for Cutie, I highly sugguest that you do. I bought Plans last night, completely on a whim. I've been listening to it most of the morning. They even mention my little town. Which means, that maybe they'll actually come to said town.

I don't know what to think of Metric. Their new cd is much different from their previous stuff. However, it's Emily of Metric, and therefore I will eventually love it, even if it takes a few listens.

I was flipping through Exclaim magazine last night and came across an astonishing discovery. The centerfold belongs to Arts & Crafts, which alone is impressive and may inspire a wall montage in my bedroom. However, more to the point, it says something to the effect of "Broken Social Scene on tour with Feist. Now that prompted some research, and I don't think it's entirely accurate.

All of this music has prompted me to dance about spastically. I also purchased the perfect Metric concert outfit. Wait till you see it. It doesn't look like anything I'd ever wear, and I don't think underwear will be possible, but oh boy am I excited!!!

Music: Mushaboom - Feist

I got an apology e-mail yesterday. It was from an old friend of mine. I found her in highschool, and I left her there. I figured that was where it ended. A few months ago, I asked her to stop telling me about the stupid things she does. I guess she took that to mean that I didn't want her to talk to me about things she needed to talk about. I didn't have to deal with the drama that came with being around her, and I started to make friends who didn't need me to save them. After grad I thought about her only a couple of times, once when someone told me that she'd had an abortion.

She told me all about it yesterday. She was sorry for being difficult on the day we stopped speaking. She misses my presence, my compassion. I wasn't aware that it was that black and white, I figued, if she needed me in any way, I would be there, not particularly happy, but I would be there.

I feel bad, that I have moved on from all of this. That I wasn't there when she was in need of a friend. I don't know that I want to reply, that I want to try to fix this. I said I was done, I am not going to save anyone.

Music: Empty- Metric

Okay, okay, I know. There have been various comment to the effect that I have been letting this old blog slip. I have no excuse. Will you believe me if I say it will never happen again? Yeah, I don't blame you, I wouldn't believe me either. So we'll just get along with the catching up shall we?

Since my last post... I have wandered St. Catherine's St. Taken a bus trip from Montreal to my aunt's house in New Brunswick. The bus ride was eventful. Not so terrible that I didn't want to get right back on and go retrive my hairbrush, and deliver forgotten books to my cousin. The most notable part, was the large [and I mean, very large] smelly man who sat beside me for a good chunk of the trip. He snored, and his hands kept falling off his incredibly round belly and landing in my lap. However, otherwise completely uneventful.

Once in New Brunswick I stayed at my aunts house and hung out with my cousin for a couple of days. It wasn't long before I was back on the road at three in the morning. My aunt and I drove Hannah down to the airport so she could fly to Canmore [I am very very excited about seeing her more often once I get home!!!]. After delivering her to the airport we drove to a nearby mall and slept in the parking lot until nine-ish. We then proceded to wander the mall for the following six hours, until it was time to retrive my mother from the airport and drive the couple of hours back home.

The following day I was awoken quite early to be picked up by my grandfather and be taken to my Grandparent's house for the week. Their house is slightly scary. I'm sure you could find any number of toxic moulds in their basement. Which explains my lack of an update, the computer is down there, and I was limiting my contact with the basement to checking e-mail. My Grandmother wasn't around much because she bounced out of retirement the instant there was a Wal-Mart built in the nearby town. We went to visit her there and I bought some yarn to make long furry scarves, and while I was in the checkout line the power went out. That was exciting.

On friday I grudgingly piled my stuff, yet again, into my backpack loaded my aunt Adeline's car, took off with her, my mother and eventually my aunt Elaine, and drove down to Halifax. We spent the weekend at my cousin Nicole's house. We went to see Matt Andersen [check out his version of Ain't No Sunshine and No Woman, No Cry] spent some time in a local pub, and tried to befriend Nicole's cat Russel. This morning the Auntie's and Mom left, and that brings us up to speed.

I am spending the week here in Halifax. Yesterday we all went to Peggy's Cove which was stunningly beautiful. So far I adore Halifax, it doesn't seem like a city at all.

I am enjoying my trip. I am, as I keep saying, learning so much. I have nearly filled my notebook with all of the things I want to remember. I am loving the person that I am, and spending time by myself. I love my family. And while you remember that last comment I will state that my mother is a very stressful person to live with, I'm just sayin.

I am so excited to start my new life back home. I do miss working, not where I was working, just working. I've been doing a lot of dishes on this journey. My mother has fallen in love with Russel, this is also excellent because I am not allergic to Russel, or any other Siamese cat I've met, which means that we can get a siamese cat. Previously mom has issues with Siamese cats, something about them being evil, which I don't think she really believed anyway. This is my new mission, my family will have a cat by christmas. I can't wait to meet new people in Calgary and get a new job, and start taking that dreaded math class, and a french class, to sort everything out, and have some spare time to do some art.

I feel like I am leaving everything out. I have pictures, many many pictures, which will be posted just as soon as I am home. [We all know that is not entirely true.] Who know's when the next update will be, I make no promises.

Love.