Sometimes I am empty.

I've been having trouble sleeping, often it is not before 4am that I fall asleep, only to rise with a feeling of soulessness in the morning. Perhaps it is because you are not sleeping beside me these days. I am having hot flashes and stomach pains as well, is it from your absence, my impending move, or simply from a drug change?

I have undertaken the task of making you a masterpiece. Though, at times I don't feel that I am deserving of this job. I am filled with the dread that one day, you will look upon this art with contempt. I feel sometimes as if I am being too much, too ridiculous. Too much in love with you. Do you think so? This is passively addressing the issue. Is there an issue?

When you are around our world is amazing, and when you are gone, it is flat and uncomfortable. Who am I? What should I be doing? I am filled with self-doubt, a lack of ambition, a lack of desire. I am a shell of what I could be, what I should be. I go through the motions, I complete my tasks, but I do them without joy, without the knowledge that I am making things better, I am working towards an end, or a new beginning.

I will soon be back in my beloved city, in the arms for my lover, in the warmth of my friends and surrounded again with a sense of purpose.Who am I without you? Who am I without school? Who am I without the years of collected memories, ones that I have decided to leave behind.

All I know, is that I don't ever want to lose anything that I have in my life now. I have found paradise, and only when I am displaced completely can I realize the full effect of my magical home.

In three days, everything will be alright.

The Story of Us.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who stood alone in a bar, and there was another solitary girl, and they moved closer to each other, and surprisingly found themselves chatting and getting along famously. At the end of the evening nether girl had a pen and they could not exchange contact info. So they went their separate ways.

One month later, the girl found an article written by the other girl, and took a guess at her e-mail and sent one off. It was a lucky guess and within a week they had a coffee date.

They once again spent hours speaking of things they loved, and the one coffee date turned into weekly coffee dates, and within three weeks they were spending a lot of time together, talking and walking and cruising the shops on Barrington. One girl was smitten but nervous, and one girl was confused and curious, but mostly terrified.

The girls consulted everyone around. What were they to do? Did the other girl like her? Was it possible? Did they want to be more than friends, was it worth it? Were they falling in love? How far did they want to go…? All of these questions we tentatively asked, addressed to friends and family, but they did not ask each other..

The other girl moved to a sea side cove out of the city and the other girl went for a sleepover. They stayed up most of the night talking of everything in the universe, and some things that can't be pinned down that way. They finally fell into their respective sleeping arrangements, one girl snuggled in her princess bed, one on the couch. They tossed and turned all night, confused with curiosity and desire, but frozen in place with fear.

A week later one girl said to the other, her stomach full of butterflies, after a month of subversive flirtation, "I think I really like you." And the other replied, “I think I really like you too.”

After that the girls spend every weekend together. They would trek out to the cove Saturday evening and hibernate until Monday. They read, and talked, and made art, and wrote. At night they slept in separate spaces, but each slept restlessly, and eventually the girls made it to the same bed.

That night, they were so nervous. One girl thought she would throw up, and the other one was shivering violently. They laid shyly beside each other until they were pulled together into a first kiss.

Eventually the girls happily bounded into the world together to embark on all kinds of adventures, sea side walks, concerts, ferry riding, exploring, and even some hard stuff, like dealing with apprehensive and maniacal family members.

Who knows where they story goes from there, it has yet to be lived, but the girls vowed that no matter what they wouldn't walk away or give up; they would love each other in every way possible.

"Guess it's gonna be love for the fucked up kids."

I have spent the last four hours exploring the Hype Machine.

Interesting conclusions are:
1. I am not sure how I've been surviving with out it.
2. Rilo Kiley is remarkably different than they were.
3. STARS has a new cd coming out. I am amazing and impressed and terribly excited.
4. Devendra is amazing.
5. Check out the Good Grief.
6. The Arcade Fire covered YYY's Maps. Go find now!
7. Kevin Drew is almost exactly the same as Broken Social Scene. Which equals awesome.

I plan on exploring a bunch of new music blogs, and old music blogs that I'd forgotten about. Maybe I'll kick this blog into high gear, so you can see what I'm obsessively listening too, because you know I don't ever do anything in moderation.

I am going to go enjoy all this newness while I pack. Packing by the way, is terribly frustrating.
Life is alright when I have music.

P.S. I've updated all of my links. Check them out. They wouldn't be on here if they weren't awesome.

Downtown.

Schedule 2007/2008

I have finally organized my schedule for the upcoming year. A few minor glitches appeared, but have since been worked out. Due to my negligence, I won't be able to take any NSCAD courses this year, because I signed up too late. Potentially I could take them in the summer.

My classes are as follows:

FALL 2007:

Romantic Era 1789-1832
Monday & Friday: 11:35 am - 1:25 pm
This course focuses on a selection of writings by men and women from this Age of Revolutions. Students will get a sense of the spirit of the age through reading poetry, novels, and the prose of political controversy. The creative development of canonical writers like Blake, Wordsworth, Keats, and Shelley will be studied in the context of works by female authors and other representative but neglected writers.

Photojournalism
Monday: 6:35 pm - 8:25 pm
This course will explore visual perception as applied to photojournalism. Students will be taught to “see” photos and explore ideas visually, especially as applied to the essence of news photography. Students will also examine the beginnings of news photography and modern developments in the business. Students must have their own digital cameras to take this course.


Post Modern Strategies in Literature by Women
Tuesday: 6:05 - 8:55
Against a widespread view that postmodernism is inimical to feminism, the readings in this class demonstrate that recent literature by women, both fiction and critical theory, has widely adopted postmodern strategies in order to advance feminist views. The postmodern canon has allowed female authors to question the way in which woman’s subjectivity has always been constructed through male-oriented processes of signification. The works of fiction covered in this class, by Kathy Acker, Angela Carter, Marianna Hauser, Octavia Butler, and others, exemplify aesthetic subversions of phallocentric discourses. Literary texts will be supplemented with theoretical works by leading feminist/post-structuralist thinkers such as Judith Butler, Drucilla Cornell, Diane Elam, and Gayatri Spivak. The class includes video-taped material and slide-shows of postmodern feminist art.


Listening to Classical Music
Wednesday: 6:05 pm - 8:25 pm
Designed for the interested listener who desires to acquire an informed response to musical experiences. Knowledge of musical notation and terminology is not a prerequisite. The class is a survey of musical styles from the pre-modern era through baroque and classical styles and into the ate nineteenth century. We will consider: music and image; music and the elated arts; the art and psychology of listening. This class is for non-music majors and cannot be counted as a credit toward a degree in Music.


Foundations of Journalism
Thursday: 1:35 - 6:25
This course gives students both a theoretical and practical introduction to journalism. In one part, students will learn how to read, listen and watch the news knowledgeably and critically. They will look at the history of journalism as it has developed in newspapers, radio, television and internet and examine how the structure of the media influence journalistic principles and practices. The other part of this class teaches students how to write imaginative and interesting prose using correct English and effective story telling methods. Students will be required to write nearly every day and will have their work assessed by professional journalists.

WINTER 2008

Romantic Era 1789-1832
Monday & Friday: 11:35 am - 1:25 pm :: Part 2

Contemporary Critical Theory
Monday: 7:05 pm - 9:25 pm
A survey of major issues and schools in recent literary theory. This class will debate the merits of various critical approaches to literature, including formalism, Marxism, feminism, psychoanalysis, structuralism, deconstruction, new historicism, and cultural studies.

Renaissance Drama
Wednesday: 11:35 am - 1:25 pm
Friday: 12:35 am - 1:25 pm

This class will explore the richness and strangeness of some of the playwrights too often obscured by Shakespeare’s shadow. Between the opening of the first professional playhouse in London (1576) and the closing of the theatres by Parliament (1641), the Globe was only one of many venues catering to an avid theatre-going public, and the first English play by a woman was circulated in manuscript. Playwrights to be studied include Christopher Marlowe, Ben Jonson, Thomas Middleton, John Webster, Elizabeth Cary and John Ford.

Fiction of the Later 20th Century
Wednesday: 7:05 pm - 9:25 pm
An introduction to fiction in English from the middle of the twentieth century to the end.


Foundations of Journalism
Thursday: 1:35 - 6:25 :: Continued

Let's see how much complaining I do.

Marion & Kyle

I miss these guys. What will they do without each other? I swear, I didn't even pose them for this, or dress them, they are just like this. So wonderful.

I feel dead inside.

Sometimes I wish I could see myself in this mans size. I made BBQ chicken dinner for my girlfriend a couple nights ago, and we're eating well, spectacularly in fact, because eariler that day, we made fluffly golden waffles for breakfast. It's amazing what I can be when my mother goes away.

I'm becoming bitter in Calgary. I am not enjoying life as much as I could and should. Someone once told someone who told me, Calgary is like cancer, it makes good people bad and bad people worse. I want to be a good person, I want to stay a good person. I want to appreciate every day I live, ever kiss I receive, every mouthful I eat and everything I see. I don't want it to all wash through me in my endless efforts to consume and rush and live and see everything around me.

I want to buy one cd or book a week and actually enjoy it for everything it holds. I am in a state of over consumption. It aches.

Badasses in the Badlands

This week my fabulous mother took my beautiful bad ass girlfriend and our bad ass best friend to the badlands. Lomos are fun, though I think I might have to give up film soon.