I realized for what must be the zillionth time that I'm approaching seven years. Seven years on June 1st. It's been seven years that I've been in this pain. It's been seven years that I have been scared almost all the time how bad it's going to get and when it's going to go away. Seven fucking years, and today was the first day that I've done anything to try to make it go away.

I don't care about any of the drama stuff. In fact I don't really like it. I always feel like a horrible introvert. I feel like I'm on the edge of things, I suppose wallflower is the term but I'm not literally on the edge, I'm right in the middle because it's impossible to be anything else around drama people on opening night. But I'm still not really part of it all.

I miss Emily, a lot. I hate that she's not happy, and I'm always wondering what she's carrying around with her. I don't know why I'm saying this.

I can't remember what it's like to have a good day. My birthday came and went and I was hoping... but it wasn't any different than any of the other days.

I had a really good hour today. We threw bingo cards around in the field because they fly amazingly well (better than the regular frisbees) and I dound a whole bunch of them in the dumpster, as I've mentioned. And Nico got stuck in a tree and traded pants with Erin so that Erin was wearing Nico's skirt and she was wearing Erins pants. Then I had to go get Anthony who rescued her so we could go exchange cards. That was fun. I kind of forgot about everything for a while, and how crappy I felt and everything that goes along with that and I had fun. I laughed, real laughter and I couldn't stop for a while because it just kept coming.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep because I also realized tonight, and is probably the primary reason that I started crying tonight that, I will most likely never be pregnant, or have a child. This never really sunk in, but there is a girl in my book, about my age and she's pregnant and I'm being stupid and I should probably add this to my list of things to surpress for the rest of my life, this whole post infact, except for the tree and the BINGO cards of course, I kind of want to remember that. I don't know when it will happen again.