My life has become a mush of heat and paper. I spent the weekend pulling little pieces of paper from a small pentagon glass jar. The paper told me what I had to do and I did it, for the most part. I've almost done the application, and the portfolio, I've written a letter and a half, I've messed with my blog and put it back together.

I finished the final rough draft of the program this evening for the second time. Don't ask it was a disaster.

I feel like I'm in the middle of the desert. I might as well be. Everything is dry and sandy and beige. It's hot in the sun room where I spent the remainder of the evening reading. It's hot down in the basement and I just want to listen to Ani instrumentals and lay on my bed in my underwear, but all of my Ani instrumental songs are on the computer and so I've stripped down to my bra and my Vegas mermaid skirt.

All of my black clothing is wet because our clothes line is broken and our drier is broken too, and would it be redundant to say that our dishwasher and stove also seem to be on the fritz?

I'm scared that I just created this whole Alternative thing just so I would have a project to distract me. I'm scared that everything is going to change and I won't be able to deal with it and I'll end up kicking some poor guy and storming out again. True story.

In grade seven there were a whole bunch of boys and the class was massive 60 kids. Crazy hey? Anyway, there was a particular boy who I thought was amazingly vulgar. I hated him. He consequently hated me. He would follow me home throwing stuff at me and muttering obscenities and I would just go to someone else's back yard and then sneak away through the alley. One day he called me something in the middle of the class room and I kicked him in the crotch and left the building. It took me a week before I went back to class because I had another asthma attack that night.

I feel the strangest desire to tell you all of my deep dark secrets like Jessica did the other day, but I can't I only have one that comes to mind anyway.

I'm terrified that if I get attacked that I won't be able to scream. That being said, I don't think I could scream in any situation. I'm just silent for the most part.