I'm just the girl who loves you, inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out.

The following is an excerpt of a conversation I had on friday night. I am sharing it because I think it's the most honest in the moment description of where I am right now. Just for clarification, I'm in a really excellent place.

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: do you know I was afraid for so long to cut my hair shortshort how i wanted it or thought I wanted it or something?
and then when I did, it looked awesome, and I love/d it.
and but I was so afraid.
I have been thinking of big shifts in my life tonight, and all of them weren't because of me but because of something someone else said.

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: ughughugh! BUT YOU GET IT!!!!

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: I totally get it!
I've been relating that to my own life the past couple of days.
but you know what I was thinking?

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: what?

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: All I've heard all my life is that it's horrible to be part of a minority group, and that if you are life will suck, and I've been living with the horrible idea that because I'm gay my life is going to suck, but it's not, it's going to be so amazing because I am being who I really am, if I had to pretend to be straight my whole life it would be horrible.
and so for a long time I was scared to be gay because everyone said it was scary and dangerous and that I'd die from aids by thirty, but that's how everyone else sees the world and I don't need to be that way, it's not scary being gay once you realize that you are.

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: you know what's so amazing???
i was just talking to my mom about matt and you and gsa/s and a bunch of my other gay friends and how like, when you were going to the "self help" kind of group? or maybe i totally read into it wrong and it was a support group.
but you get to the point
where you don't need a book or a group.
i mean, not entirely
but you realize
your own two legs are good enough.
and being gay isn't all of who you are
and,... I was thinking a lot about what you were saying today.

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: but you know, just realizing that my future won't be the hell that everyone says it is, and that everyone doesn't want to crucify me makes me soooooooo enormously happy.

His shaking knees were like polite maracas: mmm!
I am so glad you are there! and here!!

Last night in Amsterdam 1000 tulips burned: My life is going to be so good, and I'm going to love a lot and live a lot.