oh you won't find me.

I am having a fabulous much needed relaxing break from the hustle and bustle of Halifax life. Early saturday morning, in what felt like a dream-like state I crawled onto a whale like smt bus and was lulled to sleep by the end of Barrinton St. Destination: Fredricton. I awoke in Moncton to be hustled off one bus onto another, and was rocked to sleep once again. Waking in the midst of the Gagetown training area I thougt of Nicola and how I mean to send her family a note. I don't know what kind of note, because how do I, a 19 year old, write a letter to one of the most inspirational families I've ever had the privlidge of knowing. How do I say I'm sorry for your loss?

In anycase, the weekend has been spent sleeping off the stress of the past few weeks. My body craves a normal sleeping schedual, and if I do nothing else while I am home I will have a normal sleep cycle.

I am terribly excited about going home. Travel requires lists, lists of things to do before the travel, things to take, things to leave, things to gather while traveling, things to do, places to go. It's fun to think of going home as a vacation. It's comforting to know that I won't be stuck there, that I can come back to this new home that has welcomed me with open arms, to this girl who loves me when I forget to love myself, and who I love with equal passion and admiration.

I have found some new friends. The social group I always longed for in my isolation. These girls are all very different, but each is accepting of me, and I of them. I have adopted their kitten, I have been welcomed into their home. I have been worked into their schemes and when they say "we" or "our" I am included in that. It's a wonderful feeling, and happened so easily, I sometimes wonder what I was missing in Calgary not having this security.

I have been studying like mad. Well, my idea of studying like mad. I wish sometimes, that I had the powers to study to the point of knowing everything. Some kids have the planning, the time, the desire, and I simply do not. I will be happy with any passing grade in this class. In fact, anything above a pass is a bonus. I've given up on being perfect, being amazing. I would rather have a life.

Yesterday Nicole and I set up her new chirstmas tree. New Tradition #1. I think every year I will plan to arrive on her doorstep before I head home for Christmas and we can listen to music and eat junk food and decorate her tree, which, being decorated by the two of us looks like a magazine tree. It looks nothing like my tree at home, haphazardly decorated with everything we've collected over the years, matching or not. Red white and blue garland, Disney ornamnents and ten year old candy canes. I'm not sure which is better. I try for the magazine tree every year, being the only one interested in tree decoration. Christmas is usualy a dramatic event around my house. There is shouting, moping, sickness, crying, sobbing, yelling, throwing, temper tantrums and lots and lots of food. This year there will be four extra guests underfoot and I am excited beyond belief. I will be evicted from my bed, most likely, and our small house will be full of stories, and laughter to keep the tears and sadness at bay.

I anticipate many long phone calls to parts in the east, and tears may be shed over the phone, lost grandparents, aunts, uncles and now girlfriends who I am not spending the holiday with will be wrapped up in my distracted thoughts the whole Christmas season.

On a different note. I had a dream I had blonde hair again. I liked it. I am thinking of going back to blonde, but really, I'm only thinking.

I'm off to study some Sociology and watch the end of 21 Grams. That is one movie that if you don't have everyone you love in the room with you while watching it you really start to freak out. I need to see the ending though.

Love.
Kar.

[Music: Laura Peek - Starlight Ball]