an essay on my indefinable emotions

I started crying halfway through the parking lot on the way home last night. I've been crying ever since. The worst part is, I can't pin point why. There's not a definable cause and I'm just crying and crying and crying. I'll probably miss breakfast again today. I can't write about it because I don't know what it's about. It's painful and deep and I haven't felt this in months and I don't want to be feeling it but I have no choice because I don't know how to fix myself.

"Would it be weird if I asked you for a hug." I asked Peter with tears in my eyes. He said sure and put his arm around me then wandered of to his room. It's not the same, it's not like my friends at home. I need so intensely to be with Melissa right now.

I am an all or nothing girl. When I meet someone I know instantly if I want to be friends with them. I don't know that I know how to be friends with someone though. Of course I do, but I find that the line between friendship and love is very, very fine. It only takes me about a week, or five to ten fantastic words to fall in love with someone. It doesn't mean that I want to have a "relationship" with them, or have sex with them, just that I love them. I think they are the coolest person on the planet, I would do anything for them.

When I was a kid my mother always said, "If so and so jumped off a bridge would you?" It started with Jonah when I was barely five. I knew I'd jump off a bridge if he did. I would jump in front of a train to save him, I would drop everything to be with him if he ever needed it [which is something that will probably never happen.] He and his partner want to have children and they are having trouble finding someone to carry a child and heaven forbid a gay couple should be allowed to adopt. If he asked though, I wouldn't have to think very hard about carrying a baby for him. It's bizarre to think this way, being a nineteen year old lesbian. I'd do it too, except for social conventions getting in the way, and the fact that I couldn’t in good faith give a child my genetics. But I would if he asked. He would do anything for me. He would do anything for me.

This is what I look for in friends, and if they don't offer it, there's no point. The friendship will never get past it's infancy. The kids I live with are like this. There is no way I'd ever feel comfortable asking any of them for anything. Even asking Peter for a hug was going out on a limb.

I have friends who will always come before my lover. I believe that if I could fulfill my physical contact quota simply by having friends I wouldn't need a lover.

I talked to Jessica over the computer last night while I was crying.
"I need a real hug so badly." I say to her and she replies. "I would so wrap you up in a real hug." I know she would, without a doubt. "I am wrapping you up in a psychological hug. it's a warm long one. with back rubbings and shh shh shhs." And it helped a bit. I've never met her, but she's always there when I need her.

I told her about my new Halifax friend, my only Halifax friend. I am nervous about her, only because I don't know what to expect from this. People are not prepared for this kind of devotion. I don't know if she can give me what I need from her. I want so desperately for her to be able too, and I want it to work out and be fabulous, but it's so new right now that I am wary. She says things and I think, "Exactly! I couldn't put that feeling into words before." And I think it will be fantastic, but I am trying to be less intense. [Obviously, this will end all that cause she will be reading this.]

Jessica and I talked about needing someone who understands us. I want someone who understands every part of me, every cell of my body and every thought and emotion in my mind. But I can't even give myself that. The only person who comes close is Brenna. She tries so hard to be able to understand what I am talking about, even though we are polar opposites in emotion. Being away from her is so hard. I miss being able to be with someone who finishes my sentences and who I share an exclusive vernacular with. She counts the number of words she says in a day and I want to sit on her bed and talk about how we can begin thinking about computer games and in the span of a minute that will transition to thinking about this time when we were kids and we invented Badball. I miss having someone who remembers my childhood as much as I do, having someone who remembers the parts that I don't.

I am convinced that I was never supposed to be a teenager. I want to be old. I have no desire to grow up and marry and right now, I don't even really have any desire to be in a sexual relationship with anyone. I am scared though that I will be lonely like this when I am old. I always wish that Brenna and I could spend our whole lives together, like in this children's book where one grandmother lived upstairs and one grandmother lived downstairs. I would love that. But I've never lived in a story book and I was never taught about my life in story books. I'm sure, if interpreted in an altered way I could have found clues, meanings, hints as to how I should live my life. But there is no societal term for a person who loves her friends as much as I do, and therefore I am the only one who can understand this world I live in. I cannot share this in language, love is love is love and it's all different to everyone who is loving and loved and in love.

I am homesick and I miss Melissa and I am so glad I have a sister like her. I wanted a big sister my entire life. I always wanted that feeling that if I had to I could call someone to talk me off whatever ledge I had perched on. I wanted unconditional love from someone. I only realized recently that not everyone thinks about the word suicide every day. I only recently realized that not everyone is sad, that life can be happy.

I'll be okay here in Halifax. I'll find what I need. I will go to the library and read children's books when I am feeling homesick. I will find a good slurpee source, and I will wander down to HMV when I need to go home. In time, I'll find new places that make me feel at home, and one day Halifax will be home and Calgary will be the place I grew up, and my friends will still be the most important people in my life, and my family will get to know me better and better over time.

Eventually, I am certain, I will find a girl, or a boy or a girl who used to be a boy or a boy who used to be a girl, a person, who will promise to give me everything I need for as long as they can, and I will give them everything I can, for as long as I can, and I will talk to my best friend every day, or every other day, but I won't be able to go longer than that. And the boy or girl that I love will have to be okay that Brenna comes before them. Brenna always comes before everyone else in my world.

I am continually trying to make myself normal. I know I never will be, I will always feel akward and different and separate from every other human on the planet, but I hope that one day I will be okay with this and stop trying to be something else.

I don't know how to end this. I feel better, a bit, I am still homesick, and I still miss people and I still don't think I can do things today. I've stopped crying however, and the sun is shining outside, and I've remembered how much I love Halifax, and that there a boy down the hall who is here to give me hugs when I need them. I remember that Shannon is visiting next weekend and we are going to paint the town in rainbow colours.