See the thing is, I want so much more than I can actually have, and I don't want to admit wanting any of it. I just don't want to have desires, because I don't want to lose them, I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be open to attack. I just want so much that I was taught early on that I will never ever recieve. I am trying to figure out how to grab things and hold on and really truly want and have and experience, and love and give and share and open up and be okay with being emotional and not a rock. I don't want to be a rock anymore.

So I am listening to sad Jenny Lewis songs, and trying to remember a time in my life where I was openly needy, openly vocal, okay with being whatever I needed to be. What fucked up thing happened to me that I am not strong enough for desire?