I spent several hours last night watching the glowing stars on my ceiling dim. It takes 1.5 hours for them to fade, and I fell asleep before they faded completely. Last night was hard. There's no reason it should have been, it just was. I was curled up under my fuzzy blanket like burrito. Eventually I listened to the song 'both hands' by Ani, from the 'like i said' album. It calmed me down a bit, and eventually I fell asleep.

1.
Teeth to lips.
Biting that loose bit of skin, tempting. Pulling until blood comes, revealing the life inside her. Then the searing pain reminding her she's alive.

2.
Finger nails to hands.
Pulling at the cuticles until they tear. Then blood comes, pooling around the nail, red and thin. She rips away the last of the skin. The searing pain reminding her she's alive.

3.
Glass to thigh.
Cutting at the milky skin, scratching until it marks, bleeds, scars. Late one night, and then another. Night after night for a year, maybe a little less, felt like more. She scratches, until she snaps. Then the searing pain reminding her she's alive.

4.
Four years later.
Like an addiction it comes back. Like every slice is one step closer, and one slice means going back. She knows how it works. She runs her hands along the inside of her thighs, remembers every scratch she ever made. Remembers the glass so close at hand.

She's okay, she doesn't scar.


This is what I couldn't stop thinking about. It went from internal debating over "should I share this," to "if I cut could I go to sleep" It's been... four years I think since I last intentionally cut myself. I go through stages where it's all I think about, or it's all I want to do. No one's ever noticed, or said anything to me. I like it that way, because most of the time I can pretend it never happened. I don't scar, my legs look like they should. I like that no one tried to help me, or stop me, because it doesn't work that way, and if one person says "You know I'm there for you, I'll stop sharing stuff like this" I know you're there for me, but it doesn't work that way. I never once wanted to kill myself. I was very careful about everything, I don't really know what I was doing, but that was never ever my intention.

Bottom line I'm fine now. I just want you to know that I'm not always what you see.